What should I do?

[yuanyuan mama]

Sometimes ago I was "helping" my dh’s sister to take care of her young son for several months as SIL wanted her son to get a better exposure to learn English (they are from non-english speaking country). I was thinking to give dh and SIL a favor by welcoming this boy to my peaceful home, love, care and feed the same food to him and my dd, everything I gave my dd I prepared extra for him so that he won’t feel left out.


I even scared to show affection to my dd openly as I used to before the boy came cos I dont want him to feel unfair treatment from me. I only gave my kiss and hug to dd when everyone was sleeping. Took the boy and dd to explore SG and join enrichment classes, all paid from my own pocket. Bought him souvenirs before he went back. Got a phone call from SIL the next day the boy arrived in his homeland asking me why I was not fair in treating my dd and her son; why I cooked lousy food for her son and causing him lost weight; why dd got to keep the PSB and not her son (PSB was given by my neighbour to dd for B’day gift), blah…blah…except "thank you for taking care of my son, I appreciate it"

Think twice before you take care of other’s children, no matter how hard you try, people don’t see the way we see it.

[BlueBells]

I would probably do:


1. Put my foot firmly down to a "No" because I am half the owner of the house and what I say should be respected as well, SAHM or not.

2. Tell him if he doesn’t respect my say, I will packup and go back to my mum’s place with the kids (ok… a bit extreme, but I have the liberty because I know my mum’s place has sufficient space, and I have actually said this to not let my MIL and BIL moved in with us many years back)

3. Impose upon DH on the kind of values that is being imparted : as long as it conveniences your SIL, she doesn’t need to care / bother about others, is this what he wants the kids to learn?

4. Subtly sound out your kids, and then have a family discussion involving the kids. It is your household, so I believe everyone’s input should be consulted.

[ppnqq]

yuanyuan mama:

Sometimes ago I was \"helping\" my dh's sister to take care of her young son for several months as SIL wanted her son to get a better exposure to learn English (they are from non-english speaking country). I was thinking to give dh and SIL a favor by welcoming this boy to my peaceful home, love, care and feed the same food to him and my dd, everything I gave my dd I prepared extra for him so that he won't feel left out.


I even scared to show affection to my dd openly as I used to before the boy came cos I dont want him to feel unfair treatment from me. I only gave my kiss and hug to dd when everyone was sleeping. Took the boy and dd to explore SG and join enrichment classes, all paid from my own pocket. Bought him souvenirs before he went back. Got a phone call from SIL the next day the boy arrived in his homeland asking me why I was not fair in treating my dd and her son; why I cooked lousy food for her son and causing him lost weight; why dd got to keep the PSB and not her son (PSB was given by my neighbour to dd for B'day gift), blah....blah....except \"thank you for taking care of my son, I appreciate it\"

Think twice before you take care of other's children, no matter how hard you try, people don't see the way we see it.

Then your sil is really too much! If you are those daring type, you could have told her the truth of what you have mentioned here, afraid that her boy will feel left out etc and also ask her how much she had paid you for taking care of her son and even to bringing him around and sending him to the enrichment.

Such boldness to criticize and bombard people when people are helping her out and I believe without a single cent from them too? Tsk tsk tsk. Shame on her! :nunchuk: :spank:

[sandunes]

Tell your dh that if she stays with you, u guys have to be responsible for her (even though she is quite old and can go anywhere on her own). If anything happens to her, your dh has to answer for it.

[ppnqq]

pinky:

Thank you so much for your advices. Some points to add on:

1. I dun have FIL and MIL to share this burden. The SIL stayed quite a distance from my place.

2. Even when I told my husband about the O level exam next year, he just said 'she will only sleep here so what's the problem?' This idiot husband (IH) always put HIS own family on top of us and there are so many instances that I really really regret marrying him :mad: :mad: :stupid:

3. I suspect IH and his family rally around this SIL bec of the divorce and let her have all the say out of sympathy. For eg she charged all her bills to the supp card issued by my IH and never pays him back :stupid:
she will just pass all the lawyer's documents and ask her sisters and IH to summarise for her and even reply on her behalf. She even hinted that her son (who just passed his driving test) wants to buy a car but need money to buy, I told IH that no way you will be the sponsor bec if he is just a student and I see no way the loan will be repaid to him at all.

4. I will stick to my decision as what you people have advised. I am also praying very very hard that things will be in my favour
If there is any other suggestions, please share them with me. :please:

Then that truly is a headache. But I agree with Bluebells' suggestions and another thing to add on my side. I feel that your sil should be educated on the values of family and life. She also needs to be told what is responsibility and to learn to do things within her limit and not at other's limit and expenses. Eg, if she is able to afford a car for her son, then she get it for him by all means and not to expect people to do so. If her daughter needs strict discipline and care, then she should be the one doing it. Well, may be your husband needs to be educated too. :evil:

Of course in this case since her parents were no longer around to help out when she really needs someone to help supervise her daughter, it's natural for her to turn to her siblings but she should not expect any of them to must-do-it-for-her attitude.

[pinky]

jtoh:

Does your SIL's dd have a good relationship with you? If yes, I can understand why they think you might be a good influence on her. If not, isn't your SIL just throwing her problem child to you handle?


I agree with the other posters that you shouldn't allow the girl in your home especially because your son is taking his O levels this year. She can be a disruption to your home.

no, the dd is not around most of the time. I rarely talk to her except the hello and bye but I find her very aloof and rude. When we were in her house, she would come back from outside, gave a faint smile and walked into her room and never come out at all. That's why I strongly feel the mother is just pushing her child to others to handle.
Another suspicion is my IH could have volunteer to take her in bec he always told his sisters that I am very free at home so they are free to ask me favours :stupid: :stupid: I told him in front of them that I am not that free as what he sees and asked him to mind his own business :mad: :mad:

[pinky]

ppnqq:

pinky:

Thank you so much for your advices. Some points to add on:

1. I dun have FIL and MIL to share this burden. The SIL stayed quite a distance from my place.

2. Even when I told my husband about the O level exam next year, he just said 'she will only sleep here so what's the problem?' This idiot husband (IH) always put HIS own family on top of us and there are so many instances that I really really regret marrying him :mad: :mad: :stupid:

3. I suspect IH and his family rally around this SIL bec of the divorce and let her have all the say out of sympathy. For eg she charged all her bills to the supp card issued by my IH and never pays him back :stupid:
she will just pass all the lawyer's documents and ask her sisters and IH to summarise for her and even reply on her behalf. She even hinted that her son (who just passed his driving test) wants to buy a car but need money to buy, I told IH that no way you will be the sponsor bec if he is just a student and I see no way the loan will be repaid to him at all.

4. I will stick to my decision as what you people have advised. I am also praying very very hard that things will be in my favour
If there is any other suggestions, please share them with me. :please:

Then that truly is a headache. But I agree with Bluebells' suggestions and another thing to add on my side. I feel that your sil should be educated on the values of family and life. She also needs to be told what is responsibility and to learn to do things within her limit and not at other's limit and expenses. Eg, if she is able to afford a car for her son, then she get it for him by all means and not to expect people to do so. If her daughter needs strict discipline and care, then she should be the one doing it. Well, may be your husband needs to be educated too. :evil:
Of course in this case since her parents were no longer around to help out when she really needs someone to help supervise her daughter, it's natural for her to turn to her siblings but she should not expect any of them to must-do-it-for-her attitude.

Agree with what you mentioned above. I find that she's just shifting the responsibilities to others for her own convenience. In fact, she went on a week long holidays 2 months back with her friends and leaving her kids at home alone. The excuse was: she needed a break. :yikes:
As for the other siblings (btw I have 7 SIL and 4 BIL), they know about her kids problems but they did not volunteer to take her in because
'they have 2-3 kids each so very busy' / 'no spare room' etc so she target at me bec I have 1 kid+1 half spare room :mad: :mad:

not just educated, he ought to be slapped until he wakes up from his stupid ideas

[pinky]

latest update: my IH told me that his sister is sending her daughter to stay with us for 1 year and request him to fetch her to school every morning. I told him no way I will say yes and the way she put to him was like an order and fetching her daughter to school every day because there is no direct bus from my place....what the XXXXX :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

[pinky]

I stood firm on my decision against the girl living at my house and finally my husband relented and told his sister. This was also due to the fact that he asked my son about the arrangement and he told his father he felt uncomfortable with it too. Anyway, I heard the mother had approached another of her sibling to take her daughter in.

[corneyAmber]

Think you make a safe decision as your niece sounds like a 计时炸弹 for your kids. i think she needs full time help, a family without other kids of their own to watch over her.