smurf:

I dunno where to post this, so I start a new thread.


My boy who is 6 now has anger management problem I suspect, and he is very emotional.

This scenario happens on daily basis:

Sometimes when I'm busy, maybe doing some writing or making milk, etc. My boy would come to me and ask some questions (very joyously), no anger. When I told him sternly or firmly, 'mama is busy now'. Sometimes I add in, 'can I do it later?. IMMEDIATELY, he changes colour. Change from joy to angry, very angry. Almost furious. And he will REFUSE to talk to me even when I answer his question. If I dun answer him or ignore him, he will NOT let go,he will remember and remember and will later use this to rebuke me later, for whatever reason. 记仇 I would say.

Sometimes i would ask him, 'what's wrong with you?' then he will be angrier.

When I ask him some questions, sometimes he answers them nicely, but sometimes, he shouts. I dunno for what reason, he shouts. After that, he would apologize for his bad manner. he does know that these are bad manner and behavior.
I dunno why he behaves the way he behaves (hooligan behave I called that).

I really dunno what to do. I read up the web, and came across this : oppositional defiant disorder

Do I need to bring him to see a physchiatrist? :?:

wonderm:

SBKS:

Hi Chenonceau,

I am very curious, on the part that is bold.

so if u tell him that, then may i ask, do you scold or yell at him before? did he learn from you and ignore you cos you yell at him? should he do that to you also? you know lah, kids like to emulate parents or their caregivers. so if u told him yelling is no good then do you ever yell at him for not listening to you or misbehaving?

no offence. not nitpicking...if u gt the above solution then you are my saviour...my DD is behaving like me now...yelling when she is angry with something..which i yelled at her for misbehaving and not listening.

TIA.

You brought up a very good question. We have quite similar approach to Chenonceau at home, hence I thought about your question. Our boys know that they will never get anything if they throw a tantrum or if they pester us. We started that when they were babies and never change the \"rule\", not even once, not even when grandparents speak up for them (happened when my younger son was 1+). I won't say we never yell at the boys when they misbehave, but it is very very rare. They are teenagers now, we can hardly remember when we had to yell at them. I agree with you about the kids emulating parents. It is not always easy especially as they grow up. We have to be the kind of adults we want our children to become.

tankee:

Ekari:

Have you tried an alternative approach? Maybe let him connect with people outside of the house more often. Sometimes, bring him to the park or the mall. Let him see more of the world if you know what I mean. I don't know if it will surely help but no harm trying right?


Sometimes, anger are not generated because he was furious of your reply. Have you monitored how your children behave without you around? It's good to know, maybe he feel left out or something.

Or you can try sending him to camps or something let him interact with other children his age. Have some fun and he might just come back differently.

Check out: http://www.applepie.com.sg

Try their holiday program maybe.

how would a holiday camp be useful in this case? :?

Oppsgal:

smurf:

Oh...he has past that phase already...now not so angry anymore...

Can share how to make him past the phrase? Next time if happen to my kid when reach the same age, can use too.

SBKS:

Hi Chenonceau,

I am very curious, on the part that is bold.

so if u tell him that, then may i ask, do you scold or yell at him before? did he learn from you and ignore you cos you yell at him? should he do that to you also? you know lah, kids like to emulate parents or their caregivers. so if u told him yelling is no good then do you ever yell at him for not listening to you or misbehaving?

no offence. not nitpicking...if u gt the above solution then you are my saviour...my DD is behaving like me now...yelling when she is angry with something..which i yelled at her for misbehaving and not listening.

TIA.

smurf:

Oh...he has past that phase already...now not so angry anymore...

smurf:

I dunno where to post this, so I start a new thread.


My boy who is 6 now has anger management problem I suspect, and he is very emotional.

This scenario happens on daily basis:

Sometimes when I'm busy, maybe doing some writing or making milk, etc. My boy would come to me and ask some questions (very joyously), no anger. When I told him sternly or firmly, 'mama is busy now'. Sometimes I add in, 'can I do it later?. IMMEDIATELY, he changes colour. Change from joy to angry, very angry. Almost furious. And he will REFUSE to talk to me even when I answer his question. If I dun answer him or ignore him, he will NOT let go,he will remember and remember and will later use this to rebuke me later, for whatever reason. 记仇 I would say.

Sometimes i would ask him, 'what's wrong with you?' then he will be angrier.

When I ask him some questions, sometimes he answers them nicely, but sometimes, he shouts. I dunno for what reason, he shouts. After that, he would apologize for his bad manner. he does know that these are bad manner and behavior.
I dunno why he behaves the way he behaves (hooligan behave I called that).

I really dunno what to do. I read up the web, and came across this : oppositional defiant disorder

Do I need to bring him to see a physchiatrist? :?:

Ekari:

Have you tried an alternative approach? Maybe let him connect with people outside of the house more often. Sometimes, bring him to the park or the mall. Let him see more of the world if you know what I mean. I don't know if it will surely help but no harm trying right?


Sometimes, anger are not generated because he was furious of your reply. Have you monitored how your children behave without you around? It's good to know, maybe he feel left out or something.

Or you can try sending him to camps or something let him interact with other children his age. Have some fun and he might just come back differently.

Check out: http://www.applepie.com.sg

Try their holiday program maybe.

Chenonceau:

smurf:

Actually it's ok for a child to be angry sometimes, but for my boy, it has reached a point where I no longer know what to do because I think if he is bigger, I think he would fight me! he cannto control his temper and would flare up anytime he wants. Simply thing example, if I didn't hear him or didn't answer immediately, he would flare up. And keep blaming me for everything.he would say, 'u, dun want to answer me, dun want to help me, see lah, now I cant do this, cant do that.' he blames me for everything.


It's reached a point that the doesn't know what is respect at all.

Don't give in to bad temper. You give in, you feed that temper. Don't also yourself get into bad temper because that too feeds a bad temper.

You can place the child in his room or ignore him until he calms down. Then, you be nice... ask why, talk, comfort, cuddle. Then you explain nicely that you don't like him to shout at you, and when he does, you will not pay attention to him.

Devise a schedule of time together, every morning from XX time to XX time, so that he knows you will spend time with him.

Have a signal for alone time. My kids know that when the study room door is closed, I must not be disturbed. I communicate it and I enforce. But of course, I don't close my study room door the whole day. Other times, I go to bed and tell them I am ill, and they can come to comfort me but not disturb my rest.

I am guessing that you have given in to his tantrums before. This must stop. One must NEVER give in to tantrums, not even once. It encourages tantrum development.

Chenonceau:

smurf:

Sigh...where is 2ppaamm and chenonceau?? :?:

I am not sure what to say... Maybe some knowledge of Conservation of Resources Theory may help? My son's teacher (last year) had the whole class eating out of her hand using a derivative technique from Conservation of Resources Theory.

For more details, see here...
http://petunialee.blogspot.com/2010/04/conservation-of-resources-theory.html

This is not a theory for bringing up kids but I have found it useful to apply to my kids. If you praise a lot a lot a lot... and you are always tender and loving and warm... and understanding and cuddly... then the moment you even look a bit sad or unhappy, your kids will do anything to get back the smiley and nice mom because they want that resource back.

However, if you are mostly moody and down and tired... and you are nice only when your son gets angry, then your son learns that if he wants a nice mommy, he should get angry.

All kids want are a nice mommy. Unfortunately, they want her all the time, and it's tiring. I am very firm about one rule. If they throw tantrums at me, they don't get anything they want. The nice mommy becomes cold and aloof. The rest of the time, I try to be very nice (it isn't that bad lah... not that tiring... I love to cuddle my kids and make them laugh).

On days when I am moody, I ask for alone time. The signals are very clear. I will say that I don't feel well and need to rest, and it's mommy's day off from work (and children count as my work). So shooooo... go away.

The beginning may be difficult if you tend to be a moody person. You need to be very very very warm for a sustained period of time and turn OFF the warmth when he gets angry with you.

And in our house, one thing is very clear... angry outbursts NEVER get you what you want. And I do mean NEVER even if you're the mother-in-law. It's an important lesson for kids to learn because they'll get into trouble as adults if they think angry outbursts are acceptable behavior.

lcheong88:

Hi, my son is 7years old, now in primary 1. There has been severals feedbacks from teachers that he has been disturbing his friends in class eg. Singing in the middle of the lesson, step/kicks his friends when they do not respond to him, not paying attention in class, not following teacher's instructions,etc.


Anyone facing the same issues? Any recommendations for external help . E.g. Ethics class, psychologist , anger mgt.

I have tried ways to talk to him, reminding him almost everyday but still getting no improvements.