<![CDATA[What will u do if u r me???]]>Dear KS parents… I would need some opinion if u were me what will u do?


I’m filing divorce with my ex currently on the terms on 4 yrs of separation. Since Ds is 1 yrs old 2 mth, I’ve been separated with my ex and he had nt been payin maintenance to the child neither did he visit the child.

Now that we r going thru divorce, he had given up his custody and gave me sole custody care n control. The only thing he is asking is reasonable access to the child and no maintenance or $1 maintenance for the child.

At the initial stage when we were separated, my ex took Ds birth cert to consult a lawyer to enquire about giving Ds up for adoption. I’ve stopped him in time by making a police report against him. Now that he is asking for reasonable access I worry something bad may happen.

I had proposed his access to be once a mth between 1-4pm on Sunday and it got to be in my house and when I’m around. Am I too much? 2ndly by asking for 50% of Ds expenses as maintenance is it too much especially when he is not working despite being a uni grad? I spend 1.4k on Ds mthly for his sch n classes.

Another issue. I believe most Chinese family will bring their newborn birth character to A Feng shui master to calculate for a good name. When Ds is born, my ex decided to name Ds to his liking. From few mths old to four yrs old Ds had been admitted to kkh once a yr. Finally in '09 I went to you long zi to hav his name calculated. Then I know his actual name is nt gd to his health. Since then I tried getting my ex to agree in the changing of name but he refuse. Friends teachers n relatives had since abandon his actuAl name and call him with the new n better name. since the switch in name, Ds no longer get Admitted to hospital and health is much better now. Which mother dun wish their child to b health and safe? Plus Ds need to enrol for p1 soon…

Parents plZ advise what shld I do???
09

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/topic/19640/what-will-u-do-if-u-r-meRSS for NodeWed, 06 May 2026 03:35:18 GMTFri, 25 Feb 2011 16:36:40 GMT60<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Wed, 20 Apr 2011 06:23:48 GMT]]>I am not indicating you or your husband are right or wrong. I am sure you are doing your best. All I am saying is that the child will have to ride this journey and it is a long journey. Ultimately it is the child’s destiny too, karma in the past life ripening.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/404268https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/404268Wed, 20 Apr 2011 06:23:48 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Wed, 20 Apr 2011 05:58:15 GMT]]>

daddybear:
Hmm, this is just my opinion. Why would you want to change his name? If it is really because it is for better health, then what I will bring up is invalid. It could be possible that your ex-spouse views it as a grave insult. Effectively you want to cut him off totally from his child. Also, the access time of a few hours in your presence a week prevents him from truely interacting with the child.


Personally, I would do the same if this was imposed on me. IE give up all custody totally, financially as well. If the roles were reversed, can you accept those conditions as well? See your child 3 hours a week in front of him, continue to pay maintenance? I doubt it is because of the finances, but rather the emotional wretchedness it brings. Once again, it is not said to offend but just sharing, and I hope i do not open healed wounds.

Focus on the child and ask whether it is good for him to go through the entire range of emotions he is being subjected to? Name change, not seeing father etc. I was brought up by my mother under a single family. I had a change of my surname (not sure if it was for \"health reasons\"). My mother was/is unable to come to terms with her failed marriage and hence, handled things the way she did. My father was either dead in an accident, flew to space as he was an astronaut, went sailing on a ship, living in the moon etc... Naturally, I managed to figure things out as I grew older. During the teenage years, it was a tough time for my mother and me, as I harbored a lot of resentment. It carried over for a very long time into adulthood. At the age of 30+, I finally tracked down my own father. I did so not because I hoped he had money or owned some large business, but rather I needed a sense of completeness and understanding of my life story.

The reason why I am sharing this is I hope that your child can, if possible, not go through unnecessary angst. This angst if not cleansed, will be a seed that grows into something, perhaps, beyond your control when he gets older. Go to buddhism meditation and also talk to counsellors, if you can. It is the process of meditation and talking things out that brings healing.

P.S. I recognise that this is a sensitive topic and if I had caused any offense, please accept my apologies.
Daddybear
i appreciate your advise and different people has different views.. please consider the several points before comment further..

1)I change my child name coz of health issue. I don't know about u but i m sure i won't wana see my child get admitted or risk in admitting my child to hospital. Its just the change of name not even surname that i'm talking about what insult is there??.

2) for a father who when we are going to seperate, can take the child birth cert to consult lawyer to giv up child for adoption how much can i trust him he won't sell my son away? for a father who didn't bother to ask about the child during this 5years of seperation and not a single attempt was made to visit the child and he is right? :x the arrangement for a couple of hours on a stated day is to allow him to build up the relationship with the child in a familiar environment not causing unnecessary stress to the child.

3) he alrdy said very clearly the reason he didn't wana work till now is because he dont want to pay maintenance. anyway we don't need his $$.. it don't make any different financially.

4) i have no intention to stop my son for looking for his father. and i also know its impossible to stop him especially when he grows older. its his dad's intention to disown his child not i force him too.. i offered him visiting right.. he rejected and even say he will hav his own life.. is that my fault? i don't feel so..

ps: you just prove to me that man who goes thru divorce always thinks they are right..

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/404235https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/404235Wed, 20 Apr 2011 05:58:15 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Wed, 20 Apr 2011 03:55:52 GMT]]>Hmm, this is just my opinion. Why would you want to change his name? If it is really because it is for better health, then what I will bring up is invalid. It could be possible that your ex-spouse views it as a grave insult. Effectively you want to cut him off totally from his child. Also, the access time of a few hours in your presence a week prevents him from truely interacting with the child.


Personally, I would do the same if this was imposed on me. IE give up all custody totally, financially as well. If the roles were reversed, can you accept those conditions as well? See your child 3 hours a week in front of him, continue to pay maintenance? I doubt it is because of the finances, but rather the emotional wretchedness it brings. Once again, it is not said to offend but just sharing, and I hope i do not open healed wounds.

Focus on the child and ask whether it is good for him to go through the entire range of emotions he is being subjected to? Name change, not seeing father etc. I was brought up by my mother under a single family. I had a change of my surname (not sure if it was for "health reasons"). My mother was/is unable to come to terms with her failed marriage and hence, handled things the way she did. My father was either dead in an accident, flew to space as he was an astronaut, went sailing on a ship, living in the moon etc… Naturally, I managed to figure things out as I grew older. During the teenage years, it was a tough time for my mother and me, as I harbored a lot of resentment. It carried over for a very long time into adulthood. At the age of 30+, I finally tracked down my own father. I did so not because I hoped he had money or owned some large business, but rather I needed a sense of completeness and understanding of my life story.

The reason why I am sharing this is I hope that your child can, if possible, not go through unnecessary angst. This angst if not cleansed, will be a seed that grows into something, perhaps, beyond your control when he gets older. Go to buddhism meditation and also talk to counsellors, if you can. It is the process of meditation and talking things out that brings healing.

P.S. I recognise that this is a sensitive topic and if I had caused any offense, please accept my apologies.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/404100https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/404100Wed, 20 Apr 2011 03:55:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Tue, 19 Apr 2011 06:41:05 GMT]]>

EatNonStop:
MrsTan:

you should at least get $1 mainteance fr him, just in case he strike toto in the future, dun give up your right totally.


My sis's ex never go court today, the court has issued warrant of arrest.

I have a galfren also going thru separation now, lawyer advised her to sign off to get at least $1 maintenance incase of any future claiming (example kids education fee. medical fee etc)....else in law, you consider you had given up \"TOTAL\" financial support for yourself and kids.

Hi EatNonStop, the $1 is for easy claiming in future. Meaning, if one day u decided to claim against the ex, you do not need to go thru the entire process of justifying the reason why you are requesting for maintenance. Even if $1 is not placed as maintenance, any parties can still apply for maintenance.. Just that the process will be more troublesome.. Lawyers usually will advise the parties to request for at least $1 maintenance so infuture if she wana claim, she juz hav to ask for maintenance variation..

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/403287https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/403287Tue, 19 Apr 2011 06:41:05 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Mon, 18 Apr 2011 01:51:07 GMT]]>

MrsTan:
you should at least get $1 mainteance fr him, just in case he strike toto in the future, dun give up your right totally.


My sis's ex never go court today, the court has issued warrant of arrest.
I have a galfren also going thru separation now, lawyer advised her to sign off to get at least $1 maintenance incase of any future claiming (example kids education fee. medical fee etc)....else in law, you consider you had given up \"TOTAL\" financial support for yourself and kids.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/402003https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/402003Mon, 18 Apr 2011 01:51:07 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Mon, 18 Apr 2011 01:18:11 GMT]]>

jessicawongcs:


:congrats: finally... :celebrate:

now close this chapter of ur life and move on to the next wonderful chapter with ur DS
Yup.. Thanks Jessica.. :lol: I'm gona pop the champagne and call for celebration aft the agreement is signed.. :celebrate:

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/401965https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/401965Mon, 18 Apr 2011 01:18:11 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Fri, 15 Apr 2011 22:29:17 GMT]]>

MrsTan:
you should at least get $1 mainteance fr him, just in case he strike toto in the future, dun give up your right totally.


My sis's ex never go court today, the court has issued warrant of arrest.

If put $1 the whole thing will be drAggy.. It had dragged for 5 yrs alrdy, I Juz want to get over wit it asap Coz Ds gona enroll to P1 this yr.. Anyway with his lazy character n poor man thinking it's reali hard for him to mK it big one day..

Ur sis ex is a typical man.. Lolx.. I think most man when come to divorce case usually will give the don't give a damn attitude.. Luckily my case, my ex is the one who had lawyer and I'm acting in person so he die die got to attend or elas he will b paying more..

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/401144https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/401144Fri, 15 Apr 2011 22:29:17 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Fri, 15 Apr 2011 12:20:57 GMT]]>you should at least get $1 mainteance fr him, just in case he strike toto in the future, dun give up your right totally.


My sis’s ex never go court today, the court has issued warrant of arrest.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/400965https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/400965Fri, 15 Apr 2011 12:20:57 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Fri, 15 Apr 2011 09:00:20 GMT]]>

jessicawongcs:
why not u tell him u agree for no maintenance but he must agree with u changing DS name?


btw, i read this
\"A minor, a person below 21 years of age, however, requires BOTH parents to sign the Deed Poll on his/her behalf. In a case wherein the parents of the said minor are divorced, both natural parents' signature are required, unless the parent signing has been granted sole custody care and control of the said minor. For change of surname, both natural parents' signatures are required in any event. \"

maybe u shld get the sole custody first? then after change it? check with your lawyer, if it is possible, dnt let him comes into your DS life anymore, both of you need to look forward since he is such a useless dad (sorry if i am rude)

DH's dad also like that, now he's old le wants his children to earn $ and look after him. To be bad, if DH has no connect with his dad from young, guess such things will not happen
finally he proposed no mainteance for both ds n me which has no impact on us since he nv pay a single cent previous. he also state in the agreement that he got no objection in ds change in name and surname.. he is giving me sole custody care n control and for any decision made with regard to DS he do not need to be consented and will not dispute in court in future. he even giv up the visiting rights and informed the court he do not wish to have access to ds.. i think this whole episode can be closed.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/400867https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/400867Fri, 15 Apr 2011 09:00:20 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Thu, 14 Apr 2011 03:31:18 GMT]]>my sister divorced her husband before her 2nd child was born, her husband run away from family when he realised that the 2nd child was also a girl, like the 1st one.


He gv up custody, but fought for visitation rite, now my younger niece already 6 yo, he had never bother to visit them. He also had been paying maintenace irregularly, sis had sue him so many times, either he claimed he jobless or he claimed my sis wouldn’t allow him to visit the kids.

After using both excuses so many times, now court also dun trust him, currently my sis going to family court tmr to sue him again, hopefully, this time can put him in jail to teach him a lesson.

Though your husband not working or not earning much, is his problem, so long as you requested for reasonable maintenace and court approve, he has to pay, otherwise, they will help him to find a job, if he refused, they will take harsh actions on him, so dun be lenient w him

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/399618https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/399618Thu, 14 Apr 2011 03:31:18 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 05:03:22 GMT]]>

e3nity:
Dear KS parents.. I would need some opinion if u were me what will u do?


I'm filing divorce with my ex currently on the terms on 4 yrs of separation. Since Ds is 1 yrs old 2 mth, I've been separated with my ex and he had nt been payin maintenance to the child neither did he visit the child.

Now that we r going thru divorce, he had given up his custody and gave me sole custody care n control. The only thing he is asking is reasonable access to the child and no maintenance or $1 maintenance for the child.

At the initial stage when we were separated, my ex took Ds birth cert to consult a lawyer to enquire about giving Ds up for adoption. I've stopped him in time by making a police report against him. Now that he is asking for reasonable access I worry something bad may happen.

I had proposed his access to be once a mth between 1-4pm on Sunday and it got to be in my house and when I'm around. Am I too much? 2ndly by asking for 50% of Ds expenses as maintenance is it too much especially when he is not working despite being a uni grad? I spend 1.4k on Ds mthly for his sch n classes.

Another issue. I believe most Chinese family will bring their newborn birth character to A Feng shui master to calculate for a good name. When Ds is born, my ex decided to name Ds to his liking. From few mths old to four yrs old Ds had been admitted to kkh once a yr. Finally in '09 I went to you long zi to hav his name calculated. Then I know his actual name is nt gd to his health. Since then I tried getting my ex to agree in the changing of name but he refuse. Friends teachers n relatives had since abandon his actuAl name and call him with the new n better name. since the switch in name, Ds no longer get Admitted to hospital and health is much better now. Which mother dun wish their child to b health and safe? Plus Ds need to enrol for p1 soon..

Parents plZ advise what shld I do???
09
Sad to hear about your situation. Raising a child is very tough emotionally as a single parent, let alone the finanical aspect of it. Therefore, I felt that no matter what, the daddy has to pay maintenance for the child (no matter if he don't want to pay for the ex-wife m'tce, but definitely not right not to do so for the child).

I've nothing against any Fengshui Masters, myself also consulted a few over the years too; but I felt that the problem with (some) Fengshui Masters are they tend to start off the consultation session with some cautions which tend to be negatives. Probably to gain trust, before they dished out their own advice. So, it's best to take their words with a pinch of salt on those negative things said.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368365https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368365Sat, 26 Feb 2011 05:03:22 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 04:32:52 GMT]]>oh may i ask if u go for the deed poll without yr ex knowing. I mean do it secretly n may b he won.t even bother to go n oppose against it…

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368361https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368361Sat, 26 Feb 2011 04:32:52 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:53:03 GMT]]>

Herbie:
my nephew change his name when he was in p five. May be u want to seek lawyer help to see whether since u guys were divorced already do u still need hi s consent. Lawyer can help to chane yr ds name too...but got to pay lor

Chk wit lawyer I need his approval.. Haiz..

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368355https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368355Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:53:03 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:29:02 GMT]]>my nephew change his name when he was in p five. May be u want to seek lawyer help to see whether since u guys were divorced already do u still need hi s consent. Lawyer can help to chane yr ds name too…but got to pay lor

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368345https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368345Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:29:02 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:28:43 GMT]]>my nephew change his name when he was in p five. May be u want to seek lawyer help to see whether since u guys were divorced already do u still need hi s consent. Lawyer can help to chane yr ds name too…but got to pay lor

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368344https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368344Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:28:43 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:09:36 GMT]]>Fussymom base on the Singapore law unfortunately, if I change Ds nAme now it is possible by deed poll but if I change without his consent.. He can ask to court to revert the old name bk.. 😞


Herbie my problem nw is thAt Ds is Gg p1 soon and if I don't change it soon Ds will b registered under the old name which he dunno how to write..

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368334https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368334Sat, 26 Feb 2011 03:09:36 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 02:08:09 GMT]]>just hang on call yeds the newname and chanee it later…the more u want to change the more problem he will give u…

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368309https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368309Sat, 26 Feb 2011 02:08:09 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 01:53:19 GMT]]>

e3nity:
... However because of the divorce and my request in changing Ds name its giving me a hard time..

Hi e3nity,

From what I know, name only can change below 1 year old..

My tiny sense think that since he is already out of your life on year 2006, not been pay any child maintenance and you are the sole custody + care & control of your child, so no need to seek any advise from him..

Just like you mentioned which mother doesnt wish their child to be health & Safer, so you have to think about which solution to solve the problem..of course can always seek for advise but the final decision still on yourself...

I was like \"a housefly without head\" during the period I divorced. Lost of direction .....

Try to be Strong and stay firm....

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368295https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368295Sat, 26 Feb 2011 01:53:19 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:39:34 GMT]]>

Herbie:
of o were u o will not get in touch with him and move on with my life and work towards raising the kid on my own.. Life will be better if he is completely out of the picture and move on.....

He is alrdy out of our life since 2006. However because of the divorce and my request in changing Ds name its giving me a hard time..

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368253https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368253Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:39:34 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:31:25 GMT]]>of o were u o will not get in touch with him and move on with my life and work towards raising the kid on my own… Life will be better if he is completely out of the picture and move on…

Yr ex is like a sack of bad potatoes so learn to throw the pptatoes away and move on.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368252https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368252Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:31:25 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Fri, 25 Feb 2011 23:14:11 GMT]]>Our separation is nt because of Feng shui. It’s because he is not supporting the family. I rather believe in the change of name as I see improvements it. His health improved aft we started calling his new name. He no longer need to admit since the last 2 yrs which I’m real grateful about. I don’t wish to risk him from admitting to hospital for neuro tests.


My point is since thru out he is not supporting the kid, did not play the role of a father for the past few years, y do he what’s to stop me from changing my child name? It’s for the child’s health. He had never take care of Ds since birth he don’t know how bad things can be when Ds fall sick…

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368228https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368228Fri, 25 Feb 2011 23:14:11 GMT<![CDATA[Reply to What will u do if u r me??? on Fri, 25 Feb 2011 19:12:41 GMT]]>

e3nity:
Dear KS parents.. I would need some opinion if u were me what will u do?


I'm filing divorce with my ex currently on the terms on 4 yrs of separation. Since Ds is 1 yrs old 2 mth, I've been separated with my ex and he had nt been payin maintenance to the child neither did he visit the child.

Now that we r going thru divorce, he had given up his custody and gave me sole custody care n control. The only thing he is asking is reasonable access to the child and no maintenance or $1 maintenance for the child.

At the initial stage when we were separated, my ex took Ds birth cert to consult a lawyer to enquire about giving Ds up for adoption. I've stopped him in time by making a police report against him. Now that he is asking for reasonable access I worry something bad may happen.

I had proposed his access to be once a mth between 1-4pm on Sunday and it got to be in my house and when I'm around. Am I too much? 2ndly by asking for 50% of Ds expenses as maintenance is it too much especially when he is not working despite being a uni grad? I spend 1.4k on Ds mthly for his sch n classes.

Another issue. I believe most Chinese family will bring their newborn birth character to A Feng shui master to calculate for a good name. When Ds is born, my ex decided to name Ds to his liking. From few mths old to four yrs old Ds had been admitted to kkh once a yr. Finally in '09 I went to you long zi to hav his name calculated. Then I know his actual name is nt gd to his health. Since then I tried getting my ex to agree in the changing of name but he refuse. Friends teachers n relatives had since abandon his actuAl name and call him with the new n better name. since the switch in name, Ds no longer get Admitted to hospital and health is much better now. Which mother dun wish their child to b health and safe? Plus Ds need to enrol for p1 soon..

Parents plZ advise what shld I do???
09
My Dear, did both of you tried to settle the issue during the separation? I may not know the actual reasons for the separation but based on what you have wrote, dont over believe things in feng shui. The child still the connection between both of you.

]]>https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368217https://forum.kiasuparents.com/post/368217Fri, 25 Feb 2011 19:12:41 GMT