Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally?

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Sun, 20 May 2012 23:24:46 GMT

Flowermonaster — Sun, 20 May 2012 23:24:46 GMT

I don't have daughter so there is no comparison. I hope to treat my DIL like my own but will depends on whether she has the same feeling. If she prefers not to be closed, I will keep a distance. We r all brought up differently & have different ways of managing our family so I will try to respect that.

I'm not a talkative DIL but whenever my MIL comes to our house to stay, I will my best to talk to her but most time I just listen. I use to voice out if I don't agree with her especially if it's something that I feel will benefits her. Over the years, I realized that she just wan a listening ear and not advice. So now, I just listen & keep my opinion to myself. This is so much better for me as I don't have to overwork my brain to come up with suitable words to say.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Sun, 20 May 2012 16:27:29 GMT

janet88 — Sun, 20 May 2012 16:27:29 GMT

Precious2.lee:
I will try to be as fair as possible but guess it's tough to treat both equally. Same old question... If DD and DIL are drowning, who would you save first? Likewise, Mummy & MIL are drowing, who would you jump to the rescue first?

I will jump in to save my own mother first lah...but if I see a float, I will throw it to the other one. It's not possible to be fair lah. Like when I am sick, my mother will still cook simple food for me to eat...the other one ah, bochap heck care liao. Mum will even ask me to stay overnight at her place with hubby and kids lah.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Sat, 19 May 2012 13:15:41 GMT

Precious2.012911lee — Sat, 19 May 2012 13:15:41 GMT

I will try to be as fair as possible but guess it's tough to treat both equally. Same old question... If DD and DIL are drowning, who would you save first? Likewise, Mummy & MIL are drowing, who would you jump to the rescue first?

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Sat, 19 May 2012 10:03:45 GMT

Imami — Sat, 19 May 2012 10:03:45 GMT

No, I don’t think I will treat d and dil the same although I believe I shd treat them the same.

I don’t really believe in "blood is thicker than water" either. Think about this - a child was raised by the foster parents. The foster parents treat this child well for many years, until the child grows up. Then the child got to meet his own parents one day. Do you think this child will be closer to foster parents or natural parents?

I don’t think I will treat my dil the same as my d because dil doesn’t grow up in my care. The time spent is just not enough to nurture the bond. My d (if I have one) and i would probably have lived twenty years together before. Dil? Will I get to stay with her for twenty years? Will dil even think of staying with hubby and me in the first place???

But say I Adopted a baby girl who grew up under my care, fallen in love with my son and then they get married. Ah, I think I would treat this dil the same as my d. Because the bond is there, since young…

I believe I shd treat d and dil the same though. Red packets shd be same size, each shd get to choose her fav food if there is a choice (if one can’t choose, the other cannot choose too). My mum does it this way. She has her favorites of course but she’s lucky - my sils are years my senior. I am a little princess at home, since my brothers and sils are at least 7 years older than me.

My mil does not practise "fairness". She would cook what her children request, even if that means I don’t get to eat. For instance, I hate salted veg soup but her d loves it. She would cook salted veg soup even if I am coming over for dinner (we don’t eat at her place everyone), even if it means I have no soup to drink (and in laws know I loves soup).

I am not happy about it but I don’t gripe. Because I don’t treat my mum and mil the same too! Ha!

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Sat, 19 May 2012 05:08:28 GMT

janet88 — Sat, 19 May 2012 05:08:28 GMT

cherrygal:
You're not alone. My mom suffered the same fate as you. She's always ranting that her parents preferred their DIL to her. We think that's becoz the parents were hoping that the son will look after them when they are old mah... as you said it, 爱屋及屋.

DD and DIL hard to compare lah. My MIL has no DD but shows preference for a certain DIL coz she favours the younger son... even their kid gets preference over mine... realli 爱屋及屋. My MIL better go ask that favourite son and DIL to look after her.

It's impossible to treat them both the same. Simply put, mil only believes in her children. Miner here treats son-in-law & daughters-in-law as outcast. My hubby is her favorite son. She prefers grandson, yet never once asked what he likes to eat. She only good in one thing-NATO (no action, talk only). Hubby's youngest bro gives her the most pocket money, and she uses the money to smoke. Eats cheap cheap food from downstairs so that she can buy more cigarettes while his father takes the money to buy beer. Both of them are haggard, weak and look very old.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 18 May 2012 10:20:47 GMT

BeContented — Fri, 18 May 2012 10:20:47 GMT

cherrygal:
You're not alone. My mom suffered the same fate as you. She's always ranting that her parents preferred their DIL to her. We think that's becoz the parents were hoping that the son will look after them when they are old mah... as you said it, 爱屋及屋.

DD and DIL hard to compare lah. My MIL has no DD but shows preference for a certain DIL coz she favours the younger son... even their kid gets preference over mine... realli 爱屋及屋. My MIL better go ask that favourite son and DIL to look after her.

Impossible......
Favorite son means love them most = dun want to trouble them = anything they say goes ie. fav son say NO, I cannot take care of you means NO. And normally, fav also means most inconsiderate and spoilt. :roll: At least that's how it goes over my end......blindly loves and even when she knows the fav is in the wrong, will give reason to bail him out of any situation. Feel so unfair for DH......

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 18 May 2012 09:02:38 GMT

cherrygal — Fri, 18 May 2012 09:02:38 GMT

You’re not alone. My mom suffered the same fate as you. She’s always ranting that her parents preferred their DIL to her. We think that’s becoz the parents were hoping that the son will look after them when they are old mah… as you said it, 爱屋及屋.

DD and DIL hard to compare lah. My MIL has no DD but shows preference for a certain DIL coz she favours the younger son… even their kid gets preference over mine… realli 爱屋及屋. My MIL better go ask that favourite son and DIL to look after her.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 18 May 2012 06:35:57 GMT

cool_hi — Fri, 18 May 2012 06:35:57 GMT

It depends on the person as a mum+mil…coz my mum treats her dil much much better than me,her daughter…simply coz she 重男轻女，so 爱屋及屋！& she is so extreme & outright(as in she doesn’t even bother to hide),that over a few extreme matters(even till lately),that made me so depressed that I was having suicidal thoughts for quite a while…coz I can’t understand what have I done to deserve such extreme unfair treatment!!& it’s not as if my bro & his wife is much more filial than me+my hubby!! Just quote 1 obvious eg,when my parents need financial help to clear some bank loans(coz interest was snowballing),my bro & his wife-to-be(at that time),rejected flatly to help,citing reasons as they need $ to do Reno for their new Hse,& when I suggest delaying Reno,coz they only getting married 1yr later,she gave stupid excuse,saying can’t coz scared Hse empty too long will haf ghost!!wth!

End up me+my Sis fork out $ to help parents tide over crisis!!
& juz coz my mum is bias,even though they so 大逆不道,she never put it to heart+accepted their crap excuse…but easily forgotten daugthets’ help & just last mth,said something that hurts me a lot till I was into serious depression…shd said '你是嫁出去的，不用管这么多！＂can someone tell me how I shd feel?how shd I treat my mum? She behaving as if she is my step-mum,not my real mum!!
I was extremely upset,coz whenever she had problem,financial or whatever,she looks for me…NOT my bro!! The only thing I can think of is,I don’t suck up to her!! Like my sil…very pretentious person… Know how to curry flavor…
I seriously think I won’t cry at her death bed… Am i wrong??

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 18 May 2012 06:12:57 GMT

aurorin — Fri, 18 May 2012 06:12:57 GMT

LOLMum:
will the daughter treat her mother and mother in law equally?

Hahaha good question!

Similarly, i am fair towards my mom and MIL. Several times i put my mom in her place when she was unfair to my MIL, vice versa... but no, i dont love them the same or treat them equally.

Unfortunately, it doesnt seem that there will be much love developing between MIL and I due to our very different outlooks and perspectives with regards to family issues. Well, no biggie Respect will still be given when respect is due!

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 18 May 2012 06:05:32 GMT

Atan — Fri, 18 May 2012 06:05:32 GMT

LOLMum:
will the daughter treat her mother and mother in law equally?

Haha, the answer is 'NO'. Similarly, I don't expect my MIL to treat me and her DD equally.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 18 May 2012 05:40:43 GMT

LOLMum — Fri, 18 May 2012 05:40:43 GMT

will the daughter treat her mother and mother in law equally?

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 18 May 2012 05:22:06 GMT

aurorin — Fri, 18 May 2012 05:22:06 GMT

I think i can strive to be FAIR to future DIL and DD. If DD is wrong, i wouldnt say she is right to put down DIL. Vice versa. I think that's just good parenting.. doesnt matter DIL or DD or DS or even DH...

But it's impossible to treat both the same or equally because the nature of the bond and relationship is different. That said, i think it is very possible that i can develop a love for the future DIL over time if there's mutual understanding and respect. But i would not expect to have that love from either party at the onset.

Anyway, in all things, it takes two hands to clap... I wouldnt force the issue.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Wed, 16 May 2012 05:52:09 GMT

susancollins — Wed, 16 May 2012 05:52:09 GMT

yes off course i will treat my daughter and daughter in law equally. I wont show partiality between them.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 20 Apr 2012 07:51:23 GMT

Han Seo — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 07:51:23 GMT

UncleLim:
Ririan:
[quote=\"flyfree\"]If MIL only hv sons, don't hv daughter, will MIL treat DIL as a \"real daughter\"?

theoritically it should work that way, but unfortunately it is not in my case.
My MIL has three sons, and I married the eldest one. We were forbid to go out without them even when we were newly-wed, I could feel her taking me as a competition, like I am taking her son away (I was not, I am a very mild tempered person). She will say things like how useless and weak I am, compared to how hardworking and strong she is. I really suffer mentally living with her, cos she would use her standards to judge everything I do, the worst time was the first two years after I gave birth. It was hell for me.

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

This is really sad. And too bad our upbringing says filial piety is paramount. But when we get bad in-laws we suffer because we want to maintain the \"harmony\". My ex-colleague was treated badly since the day she married and when her mother-in-law finally passed away, she divorced her husband and moved out of the house.[/quote]I think this filial piety concept is loaded. Does filial piety mean we have to stay with our inlaws or parents after marriage? If your inlaw keeps berating you and making you insane, does filial piety mean you have to suffer in silent? What if one day your blood vessel bursts or you suffer from depression because of the constant belittling? Is this the way to treat a human being just because he or she is your FIL/MIL? What kind of logic is that? At the end of the day, I still think respect is earned and not given as a right.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:08:26 GMT

UncleLim — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:08:26 GMT

Ririan:
flyfree:
If MIL only hv sons, don't hv daughter, will MIL treat DIL as a \"real daughter\"?

theoritically it should work that way, but unfortunately it is not in my case.
My MIL has three sons, and I married the eldest one. We were forbid to go out without them even when we were newly-wed, I could feel her taking me as a competition, like I am taking her son away (I was not, I am a very mild tempered person). She will say things like how useless and weak I am, compared to how hardworking and strong she is. I really suffer mentally living with her, cos she would use her standards to judge everything I do, the worst time was the first two years after I gave birth. It was hell for me.

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Thu, 20 Oct 2011 07:34:30 GMT

Han Seo — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 07:34:30 GMT

I think the question is flawed in the first place. Even with our own children, we tend to favour one/some over the other. It is human nature.

I think the question is not about treating both equally, it is about treating people (whether DIL or PIL) with basic decency. In other words, show basic hospitality when DIL visits, do not interfere in their married life, be courteous when speaking to them, respect their personal space etc. In other words, treat her like how you would want her to treat you as a human being.

If, in the process, a strong bond develops between you and DIL, well and good. If not, do not fret as long as the relationship is not soured and remains cordial. This will go a long way towards family harmony.

I used to get upset that my own sister treats an ex SIL ‘better’ than her own sisters (there are 7 girls in my family). When I said ‘better’, I mean she will give the ex SIL her own jewellery (when she does not even give them to her own sisters) and invite her only for meals at her place.

But as I grow older and mellow down, I feel it is silly for me to think this way. The reason why my sister and the ex SIL got along so well is because both have very similar beliefs about bringing up their children. So be it. It does not bother me anymore.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Tue, 18 Oct 2011 13:11:27 GMT

cherrygal — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 13:11:27 GMT

Yes, accept your fate. That’s why nobody said you must be extremely nice to PIL. Respectful is good enough. I find the PIL won’t dare to bother you or talk too much if you don’t talk so much with them. I tried to be "PR" and made an attempt to chat but end up the PIL still favour their younger DIL as she’s the wife of their fave son. And that DIL only visited them once a year!

So, I say, just treat my own parents better and be cordial but not too chummy with PIL.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Tue, 18 Oct 2011 09:36:22 GMT

garam — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 09:36:22 GMT

Yes it natural, we can never compare Daughter & Daughter-in-law. They will always treat the daughter better, which is fine.

So when it come to daughter & DIL quarrel, the whole family will definetly side the daughter no matter u are right or wrong. To them as a daughter in law, you are the bad guy who has create family dispute & the daughter is always the innocent party who are being bullied.

So as a DIL got to accept fate, no matter how good u treat yr PIL, in the family you are just an outsider.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Sat, 15 Oct 2011 16:39:24 GMT

cherrygal — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 16:39:24 GMT

I think it’s only human to treat your own daughter better than the DIL. You can still treat DIL well but daughter will always get extra. And no DIL should ever get jealous of the daughter / SIL coz it’s only human nature.

We DILs can only be jealous of their other DILs coz must compare apple to apple mah. Blood always thicker than water. DIL is only the mother of their grandchildren, wife of their sons.

I will definitely be nicer to my own baby gal… always my baby. And I make no apologies for it.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Wed, 12 Oct 2011 14:06:16 GMT

wishababy — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 14:06:16 GMT

i doubt i can treat my DIL and daughter equally.

like my MIL, she does not treat me and her daughter equally.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Mon, 05 Sep 2011 06:37:56 GMT

twinklebell — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 06:37:56 GMT

hm… even if i want to… i dont think i will treat both the same.

the bond and feeling is different and most importantly, daughter is my flesh n blood…

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 12 Aug 2011 22:59:23 GMT

Jennifer — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 22:59:23 GMT

I hv 2 sons. I dun think I will treat future DIL like how I treat my children. I think I will treat them like guests- respect their privacy and way of life, dun expect anything in return. Hence I hv already told my children not to live with me when they get married.

I can only babysit my grandchildren whenever necessary. I wont take responsibility for disciplinary/upbringing issues. Our parenting style might not be the same, why create chances for conflicts? If I see sth not right (like pampering the child), I will tell my sons only.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 12 Aug 2011 22:51:27 GMT

Jennifer — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 22:51:27 GMT

Ririan:
Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

Hugs to you.

Reply to Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally? on Fri, 12 Aug 2011 06:37:11 GMT

Ririan — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 06:37:11 GMT

flyfree:
If MIL only hv sons, don't hv daughter, will MIL treat DIL as a \"real daughter\"?

theoritically it should work that way, but unfortunately it is not in my case.
My MIL has three sons, and I married the eldest one. We were forbid to go out without them even when we were newly-wed, I could feel her taking me as a competition, like I am taking her son away (I was not, I am a very mild tempered person). She will say things like how useless and weak I am, compared to how hardworking and strong she is. I really suffer mentally living with her, cos she would use her standards to judge everything I do, the worst time was the first two years after I gave birth. It was hell for me.

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.