1 in 10 S’poreans do not have close friendships

[thebottomsupblog]

@rinsider and @sharonkhoo: Really enjoyed reading your thoughts on this! There are so many things to unpack so I’ll just focus on one thing first.

On mixed gender friendships: I’ve always had a good number of trusted male buddies, and my husband is very chill with this, because it’s been this way since he met me at age 21.

My best friend is male (gay), so even if we were to stay out all night and catch the sunrise together, it would not raise eyebrows in my fam!

With hetero male friends, probably all parties think more about optics, especially if partners are involved. I have said to male friends: “I just saw you yesterday — if we met again today, my husband might have something to say about that!” Whereas with women friends, we might even arrange to meet twice in a day haha!

My own rules are to never disparage my husband, or use male friends as an escape after disagreements at home. (Or to “use” them in any way, really.) When I was younger, I wasn’t very sensitive to how my male friends’ partners would feel — now I would always say it’s important to prioritise your romantic relationship and work within those boundaries. Things like late-night texts and one-on-one hangouts, plus gifts that seem very personal, can trigger unhappiness and insecurity. In the end it’s about trust and communication.

Ultimately, feelings can be fluid and unpredictable, but if we have the desire to do the right thing + do no harm, most of such relationships can remain healthy. That’s my idealistic view of things

[Wonder-ful]

@thebottomsupblog I’m not so well expose. Only have a really close male friend for about 40 years and catch up pretty often, we both share both work and family life openly with little restriction. Probably easier than sharing with my spouse without worrying about be being too sensitive. There is the other group of secondary school mate that we chat and share quite a bit on our chat group, mostly sharing good stuffs and latest happening. Used to share birthday wishes with my ex-wife and girlfriend but it becomes quite meaningless after a while when we don’t really have any idea how’s life on each other end.

[HNS2015]

@thebottomsupblog

I asked myself how should we define a “close friend”? Is it someone we meet often, or someone we turn to when we truly need help?

I do maintain contact with my primary school friends from P1 and we have a group chat. We don’t meet very often — usually during CNY or when a classmate returns from the US for a short stay. However, I realise that over the years, while I’ve kept in touch, I’ve never actually approached them for help when I was struggling. Because of that, I sometimes wonder whether this would still be considered a “close” friendship, even though I’ve witnessed support being extended within the group when others needed it.

In contrast, during my challenging periods of my life after having children, the people I sought help from were those I had gotten to know in more recent years. That experience made me reflect on how closeness can also be shaped by trust, timing, and shared vulnerability — not just history.

At this stage of life, my most connected group of friends are fellow mums from my children’s primary school, and I also have a few other close friends where we make the effort to meet for each other’s birthdays and pray for one another when someone is troubled.

So for me, “close friendship” seems to take different forms at different stages of life.

[sharonkhoo]

@HNS2015 I agree that people you see often would generally be the ones you ask for help, and also those who have similar experiences (or have had similar experiences). I’m not sure that there is a single narrow definition of “close” friends. The other way of looking at it might be to ask who we would offer help to if they needed it, or who would welcome our help or even expect our help.

[randomblackore]

as parents, it is really hard to maintain close friendship. everybody has their own priorities. i’m looking forward to my kids growing older and becoming more independent before i can try to reconnect consistently with my old friends

[thebottomsupblog]

Thanks everyone for chiming in!

I used to think that there should be a minimum length of time that we know someone, before we can even think to call them “close.” So sometimes I’m taken by surprise if I’ve only known someone a few months and they’re already suggesting that we’re “close enough” or “close friends.”

But I agree with @HNS2015 that closeness can be shaped by shared vulnerability, I’ve also experienced feeling close to workmates at a workplace within a few months, because we felt vulnerable and banded together.

@randomblackore How old are your kids?

I’ve only had much more time for friends in recent years, now that my youngest is 14 going on 15! It’s really refreshing to be able to head out and hang out again, and do things like watch movies I have my younger friends (20-somethings, 30-somethings) to credit for this — they have some habits that are new to me, like short-notice meet-ups, the so-called “casual hang” where we co-work together or even do random things like trips to the supermarket/laundromat, and checking in every month to say “hey, what are we doing?” In contrast, my Gen X friends are less free + need more prep time haha!

@sharonkhoo In terms of what we would do for a friend, in my experience, it’s sometimes easier to be the “best friend” rather than “close.” As best friend, it’s clearer that we are the default support person, whereas with others, I’m not quite sure what my exact role is, although I want to be there…

@Wonder-ful My husband also prefers to have a small network — he too has just one very close male friend, and most times he prefers to go out jogging/cycling by himself, or join me and my friends! I think if one doesn’t feel lonely, that can work very well too.

[HNS2015]

@sharonkhoo I agree. On second thought, “close” can be quite one-sided at times. Feeling close enough to offer help doesn’t always mean the closeness is mutual.

[HNS2015]

@thebottomsupblog Yes,shared vulnerability can shape closeness quite quickly. When people go through a challenging season together — like you have mentioned at a workplace. The sense of openness and mutual support can happen within a relatively short period of time.

[MsHuppy]

I am blessed to have many friends through my wide circles, but only a small handful are truly close friendships that have been built and tested over many years. I don’t need to meet my friends frequently to feel secure in these relationships; I know these close friends will cheer me on, support me, and never judge me. They accept me as I am.

That said, I don’t consider connections maintained purely through social media as close friendships. For me, closeness requires real presence, making the effort to meet, spend time together, and connect face to face. It is through these in-person interactions that trust deepens and relationships grow.

Likewise, as a friend, I believe in showing up. When my friends are in need, I will go the extra mile to support them, just as I know they would for me.

[thebottomsupblog]

@MsHuppy When I still used to blog regularly, there was a mom who would leave messages on my blog almost daily. She was very loving and encouraging, and we would chat on social media as well.

She passed away very young, due to an auto-immune disease. I really felt her absence I would say that she’s the only person that I’ve never met in real life, but consider a real friend.