Singapore's challenge to grow its population!

[rinsider]

https://youtu.be/0QxZHHHO5ew?si=fFpcvoAUFmuveGkg

My dream to be a grandparent is shrinking by the day. My son is 26, my daughter is 20.

Both have expressed disinterest in marriage and having babies, let alone dating.

Throwing a spanner into the works makes more sense to them. They don’t feel alone. They don’t feel inclined to make that huge leap, filled with even more commitments like housing, child raising.

They asked me, what’s in it for them? Especially when children now are not expected to take care of their elderly parents. They have no motivation to change their current lifestyles whatsoever. Cohabiting may become the norm. The number of single mothers or parents will increase. Living with your ageing parents or supporting them is no longer a stigma of source of embarrassment. The government is still lagging to address these realities, but have raised concerns about caregiver duties (a very wide spectrum).

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What compelled you to get married and have babies? Rose-tinted glasses or a genuine feeling to have and grow a family?

For myself, pregnancy happened and the story had to be shaped from there. But for younger people with pragmatic mindsets and a much more challenging landscape to navigate when it comes to marriage, let alone having a child, what’s the incentive for them in Singapore?

When my kids ask me this question, I’m hard pressed to give them an answer. And the longer they stay single, the more they whittle it down as character faults or individual preferences.

The mindset shift was already simmering and brewing years ago. Financial and personal freedom have become addictive markers of success and independence, rather than building a family, which requires a ton of resources.

I could tell you how rewarding it is to have kids. But they didn’t grow up in an extended or connected family network. So really, what’s in it for them to get married and have babies now?

Look at your child today. You would desire for them to earn a degree and gain some traction in the workforce thereafter. They might. Would marriage and kids be foremost on their minds at the same time…? What if they did give everything all up for that, how would you feel?

[thebottomsupblog]

@rinsider said:

What compelled you to get married and have babies? Rose-tinted glasses or a genuine feeling to have and grow a family?

What compelled me to get married? I would say I didn’t know any better!

On second thought, we had been dating for 7 years and I was very comfortable just existing that way. Plus being in the creative circle, most of my network was single (in 20s and 30s). But I was renting at the time, and there was increasing buzz that they would be tearing down our apartments to make way for a station. I had to get a new home, and my partner was willing to suffer with me haha!

Looking back, even though we did marriage prep (he’s Catholic), it wasn’t very useful. We held on to unhealthy communication behaviours. But in my case, parenthood was a big motivator to work on myself: brood less, set goals, take action.

I think some people may really feel lonely and socially excluded, without a partner. But long-term partnerships also require a lot of effort. We don’t assume that our kids will find partners, but I hope they will find many good friends, and enjoy mix-gender friendships. What I do tell them is to make themselves useful in the world, be problem solvers!

[sharonkhoo]

@rinsider said:

What compelled you to get married and have babies? Rose-tinted glasses or a genuine feeling to have and grow a family?

Although I hardly dated before university, I think I always assumed that I would get married one day, though I was uncertain about having kids (I’ve never been interested in babies!). It just seemed preferable to have someone to share life with. It turned out that I met my husband in our first year in university, started dating, and married a year after graduation. It was 3 yrs later that I finally made up my mind that I wanted kids (my husband said either with/without kids was OK by him), and then it took 4 yrs of infertility treatment plus a couple of years after giving up before I got pregnant. I can’t really explain why I wanted kids - A desire to create something uniquely ours? Having the opportunity to nurture and care for new humans? Biological urge?

We have made it clear to our girls that we don’t assume that they will marry, or have kids, and we are fine either way. We don’t believe that either is necessary for happiness, and we only want them to marry and have kids if they actually want them. Having kids “for the sake of society” is too big an idea to cope with! One daughter is now married, and I’m fairly sure she will want to have kids eventually (she’s 26). I think she enjoyed growing up in a family with a sibling, and she is willing to reduce or stop work for a time if need be.

I think that the lack of interest in having kids is partly due to the pressure to do well in career, earn more, etc, coupled with the materialism that equates happiness with having more and indulging self. Nurturing and caring for kids, especially in the early years, is costly in time, effort, emotions, opportunity cost, and of course, money. Our govt is trying to fix the problem with money, but really, no amount of money is going to tip the scales from “no kids” to “yes kids”; it may change “1 kid” to “2 kids”. It’s only if our young people consider the sacrifice worth it that they are likely to have kids. How to “fix” that is a tougher issue and has to be dealt with in families, and not by social policy. How many of us raise our kids to do housework and chores, and to put others before self? If kids are used to putting themselves first, then it’s less likely they will willingly have kids that will take precedence in their homes.

Just my thoughts.