Should I have hothoused her?
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Hope n Peace:
Dear Hope and Peace,
Should I have hothoused her? I had tried to be more relaxed on her mainly because I was hothoused before by my mother and it really strained our relationship. Up till today, it is still strained as the bond just isn't there. Because of this, my philosophy for my kids has always been that building a bond with them is more important than anything else as it will give them life-long happiness.
Children, unfortunately, do not come with an instruction manual. Please do not be too hard on yourself. Personally, I feel that being a parent is so scary. It's like I'm \"playing\" with another person's life and if I made a wrong decision, it's another person's life that I'm messing with! We do what we think it's best for our kids. On the same token, please do not bear any grudge against your mom. She had your best interest at heart. She did what she thought was best for you! My mom was the other extreme. She was not pushy at all and I really wish she had been! We could come home with horrible results and she would always say, \"so long as you're not the last in class, it's good enough for me!\" :faint:
To be honest, I used to \"blame\" her for not hothousing us (my siblings and I) but after I have my kids, 将心比心，我还忍心怪她吗？And especially for the first child, we can't run away from trial-and-error. I made a lot of mistakes with my older child too and honestly, it was because I didn't give her tuition early enough. She only started having tuition for Math and Chinese at P6. She's in a top girls' school now and doing well but in retrospect, she said, she could have done better with help earlier. However, she has never blamed me and she even said it's like that for the first child but she gets all the good stuff first so it's a trade-off!
Take heart, learn from the mistakes so that we can do better for the younger ones but of course, in our hearts, we love them all the same! :grphug: -
Hope n Peace:
You made hotshousing sound like some sort of abuse/torture (you're not talking about the extreme form, right?)! So if your younger one doesn't look adorable, you'll hothouse him huh?
As for my younger one, he looks so adorable that I can't bear to hothouse him!
Just teasing you, dear.. :evil:
My take on tuition/enrichment is still : every child is different. If your child likes the extra push or challenge, by all means! Always monitor the child's stress level. If the child dreads going to classes or shows signs of fatigue, it's time to re-evaluate the time-table.
Hope and Peace, you're a great mom. Give yourself a pat on the back :salute: -
FireflyMom:
we didn't give son tuition for math and english early enough...which was why he had to learn the basics only at p6 ie this crucial year. time was so tight and it was like really very tough.
To be honest, I used to \"blame\" her for not hothousing us (my siblings and I) but after I have my kids, 将心比心，我还忍心怪她吗？And especially for the first child, we can't run away from trial-and-error. I made a lot of mistakes with my older child too and honestly, it was because I didn't give her tuition early enough. She only started having tuition for Math and Chinese at P6. She's in a top girls' school now and doing well but in retrospect, she said, she could have done better with help earlier. However, she has never blamed me and she even said it's like that for the first child but she gets all the good stuff first so it's a trade-off!
Take heart, learn from the mistakes so that we can do better for the younger ones but of course, in our hearts, we love them all the same! :grphug:
we also made a lot of mistakes and yes the first child enjoyed good stuff FIRST. with this, we are doing reflection and like what some parents mentioned, 'post mortem'...hothouse the younger one from now, so that she will be ready for P3 and in time to come, P5 and P6. -
in short, we need to understand and know the ability of our children. Every child is different in ability and aptitude! We have to manage our own expectation, always take the middle path. We are parents, we know when and where to stretch them, BUT not to their breaking point and REVOLT. We have to accept our child as who and what he/she is. And not we want him/her to be what she cannot be! Intervene where you deem is good, i.e… tuition when they really need it, if not needed, let them be., go with the flow. I always tell her Ah Mah, not to give stress to her cousins, b’cos DD’s Ah Mah like to compare why like that & like this.
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Dear Hope n Peace, I totally understand how you feel. We are exactly in the same situation and I share the same view point as you. Bonding, character development and giving my son his ‘childhood life’ is much more important than anything else.
My son’s T-score is very much below the COP of his dream school. In fact amongst all cousins and friends, he is the worst performer. My son is an average student, also someone who is not fantastic in his work.
Similarly, we also let him play computer games and watch youtube/TV after having done the practice papers/assessment books.
We stopped sending him to tuition classes as we realized that he did better in school exam when there is no tuition. We tried a few times, sending him for tuition classes (branded tuition centres, 1 to 1 tuition, etc) and each time, the results ended up failing the subject or borderline cases.
We decided to stop tuition and got him to do practice papers and assessment books and surprisely, his result was better. So, I conclude that whether tuition really help a child or not, it really depends on the individual child. So, it may not necessarily mean that you got to enrol her to tuition classes to get good result.
Tuition does not work on my child at all. It will only add on more stress to him as he had to struggle with his school work.
I do not regret my decision for choosing bonding over hothousing him. Yes, I am abit disappointed with his score but I know he has done his best. In fact, before the result release day, I was rather worried how my son will take it if he did not do well or if he fails his PSLE (cos he was sharing with me that the PSLE was more difficult than his school prelim).
I ever witnessed a child jumping out of a building near his school on PSLE result day. And it was very clear to me that the child must be too stressed up, worried that he might get scolding from his parents, etc that in the end, the child couldnt manage his psychology.
Since that incident, I told myself, this is something definitely I do not wish to see it happening to my son. As parents, we have to help them manage their mental well-being too as after all, they are just 12 years old.
I always believe that motivational teaching is very important for a child. In Singapore, life is already so stressful and competitive. We have to teach our child how to think positively and manage their pyschology from young so that when they move on to adult hood, they are prepared to face the stressful world. This is an important life teaching that a school cant teach. But parent can.
Now is the time for us to congrat our child for having gone through the PSLE phrase and to motivate our child to look forward and prepare for their Secondary phrase.
I agree with Sammifan that even if our child did not get into their dream school and they are posted to school with a lower COP, they are likely to get into one of the better classes, be recognised and excel there. I, myself, is a real life example.
I hope my long posting does not bored you down but I just want to share how I feel and congrats you for doing well as a parent. You are not alone. And your girl has done well. -
http://catalogue.nlb.gov.sg/cgi-bin/cw_cgi?fullRecord+31894+3002+14277847+1+0
The above is a book I'd like to share with you, written by a former jc teacher. From the title,it looks like one of the guide books out there. But there are actually some interesting insights from a teacher's perspective. He wrote about how parents race to put their children in top schools, only to find that the opportunities there are limited to the top students. -
VALyap:
Hahaha. I like the bolded line.just sharing, we never practised hothousing our DD. I tell you a secret how we motivate DD to do well, most parents hear will be totally surprised. Below is our secret:
Well, firstly, there is always time for her to play = her favorite… Ballet class even up to P6, 3 times a week and 2 hours. (ballet ends at 8 to 10pm), Piano class… swimming. Every weekend, is family day, out in EAST Coast park or some museums or movies.
secondly, we never imposed her study hours, we just monitor, if she is tired, she can rest or even go to sleep!
Thirdly, the most shocking to some kiasu parents, Strictly NO STUDYING B4 day of exam! this we imposed strictly from P1 to P6, even during PSLE. While her classmate were still studying up to last minutes just b4 entering PSLE exam hall, she totally no books. Her classmates' & their parents were so surprised, and worried, asked her why like that? She just told them it's been like that since P1…
More shocking, the day B4 PSLE, we were at EAST Coast park cycling and flying kite! For some kiasuparents, they called us MAD…. But we just did it, so that DD can relax her mind to tackle PSLE the next day! B'cos, we told our DD, whatever she has done, Mummy & Papa has already prepared her since P1 to relax and ready for any exams! She has been prepared more than 6 yrs ago…hahaha
WHY? We believe, exam is about consistency, if you everyday diligently do your home work or study, you don't have to study like MAD during exam time!
KIDS need time to play , even today, she is in R, she plays hard… now is school holidays, she and her buddies still go back to school very often! they love their school very much….
Kids must be motivated to enjoy learning and NOT by rogue learning! :grphug: -
Thanks weather bee,
But now, my DD is independent to walk alone, she charts her own path or course. We don't impose our expectation on DD. We always give her unconditional support and love. To some some kiasuparents, we are MAD .
My concerns rather on our nation or society and not the education system! Many unrealistic parents imposing unrealistic & high expectation on their Children that stress the kids to breaking point. All parents will know their kids capabilities and abilities. If every kid can be rocket scientist, what kind of world it will be? not all kids will go to IP schools.
Even all cats are not the same breed! Cheetah can't be moulded or trained and turned into Lion! I know my little ones' capabilities & abilities and I accept who they are. I don't expect the little siblings to be like their elder sister who is in Raffles. Cause I accept every child is different and I am realistic. My eldest DD can compose poem b4 she is 5years old! Now the little siblings, going to be 7 yrs (2013), has yet to show that kind of potential. Lion will NEVER run as fast as Cheetah or Cheetah can NEver be as strong as Lion, that is a fact of nature!
Hence, I am realistic and accept my little ones for WHO they are and NOT what I expect them to be! :rahrah: -
VALyap:
Just my 2 cents worth.......Thanks weather bee,
But now, my DD is independent to walk alone, she charts her own path or course. We don't impose our expectation on DD. We always give her unconditional support and love. To some some kiasuparents, we are MAD .
My concerns rather on our nation or society and not the education system! Many unrealistic parents imposing unrealistic & high expectation on their Children that stress the kids to breaking point. All parents will know their kids capabilities and abilities. If every kid can be rocket scientist, what kind of world it will be? not all kids will go to IP schools.
Even all cats are not the same breed! Cheetah can't be moulded or trained and turned into Lion! I know my little ones' capabilities & abilities and I accept who they are. I don't expect the little siblings to be like their elder sister who is in Raffles. Cause I accept every child is different and I am realistic. My eldest DD can compose poem b4 she is 5years old! Now the little siblings, going to be 7 yrs (2013), has yet to show that kind of potential. Lion will NEVER run as fast as Cheetah or Cheetah can NEver be as strong as Lion, that is a fact of nature!
Hence, I am realistic and accept my little ones for WHO they are and NOT what I expect them to be! :rahrah:
It is hard to fault parents who invariably have their children interests at heart, even making big sacrifices. It is probably not about wanting to turn their \"cheetahs\" into \"lions\". I think you have heard this from CNN on numerous occasions during bad financial times: \"It is not about the people making the millions; it is about the millions just trying to make it\". The same analogy can be drawn to our competitive education system where it is not about students trying to make it to those few IP/IB schools; it is about the many just trying to make a decent grade to allow them to progress to decent sec schools and catch up or not fall too far behind. Perhaps some students/parents do aim for those few IP/IB schools but not all. Many probably just want to train their \"cheetahs\" to run true so that they will be able to catch their prey and feed themselves when they grow up and live among the \"lions\".
Just like hot-housing and rote learning. It is hard to begrudge parents in adopting some form of hot-housing/rote learning just so that their children don't stray too far off from academics. You are fortunate to have children who willingly follow you to parks etc. But you might just think differently if you have kids who prefer to dye their hair during holidays and just hang out, texting or tweeting all day long. And then there are children who does'nt know that the sun rises from the east and set in the west in P4, and introverts who are too afraid or shy to ask questions and learn or simply cannot do well in oral exams because of who they are.
What works for us may not work that well for others. Many agree that every child is different. Therefore, it follows that different methods and strategies would have to come into play to get the best out of a child. Its about striking the right balance without compromising on kinship. Its about not losing touch of reality at the same time. But when one is at a lost, all these can get thrown out of the window.
Time is changing. It is a cruel world out there. So the sooner our children learn this reality and be independent the better. -
sammifan:
Hi,Dear MMM,
How is your DS' work? I do not believe that everything must come to a standstill all because of a Primary 6 exam. My elder DD swims competitively, and was training 3 times a week right up to PSLE. Her friend was swimming everyday and went on to get 25X.
We know of another girl who has just sat for her PSLE and was also training intensively all the way to PSLE and also went on to get 25X.
But when does SYF end? If it ends by June, just make sure he does consistent work and allow him to continue with his CCA. You will be amazed that his love for his CCA may spur him to want to study hard and well so that he does not miss his practices.
Ds I would say is probably the 30-40 percentile of his school cohort type. At P4, he is getting something like between 75-85 range for all subjects. Boys being boys... ds is a typical boy. Not as discipline and as focus and handwriting is :mad: . During CA2, he missed a page of EL questions thereby costing him 10 marks :mad: I emphasized alot on checking.... I was really fuming... I had to watch him like a hawk.... We felt that there is no knowledge gap on his part but really his internal desire to do his best. Once that is turn on, the rest is history.
But I was quite happy with his P4 SA2 performance where he did 2 subjs in high 70's and 2 subj above 80 and the best part was he would call me right after school to tell me the \"good news\". The pride was there and we know he worked hard and yes, we know his gap and we had to strategize. Eg. we know his science section B sucks but for MCQ he is good. So I told him to try to score full marks for mcq and at least try to pass section B so he can at least get 80. He did that. I really hope he can sustain his SA2 momentum into P5. Though he did not make it to top 2-3 classes (like dd1) but I told him to work hard for top 3 in class. Probably more achievable since the good ones already moved to the same class. If he does that, he will probably felt the pride and more desire to do well in P6.
I actually felt stressed up because I think sec schools will look at P6 mid yr results for DSA too.... With SYF, the training demands are high and there are days where they will be till late that he might have to skip some of the enrichment classes. Also, they might have to leave the class 1-2 periods earlier due to rehearsal, etc... So I wonder how that will affect his PSLE. Actually I think ds performance in P5 will be a good gauge. I heard P5 to P6 jump will not be significantly. So if the child can survive P5, P6 is more predictable. Is that true???
For him, the target very clear. We are aiming for Maris Stella. The COP is 232 and their band is GWH. It's near our place. So it's like the best school for ds as alot of his primary band friends are there too... He love band and if I asked him to drop band... he would be very upset. So yes... i am using band to motivate him to work hard towards a decent PSLE score that allows him to make it to Maris Stella.
Frankly... reading the PSLE posting here about results followed by school choices is really :yikes: me out.... I also saw the disappointment in my sil and bil and feel for them as nephew just sat for PSLE and did 21+. School selection was the next problem. Spoke to bil who said that despite that he prepared for the worst, he was secretly hoping for some miracles. So nevertheless, he was still disappointed. I could fully understand and my heart goes out to them.
I told dh last night... I hope that next year when dd1 sits for PSLE, we are in a good position to make school choices. Hopefully she has a CO by then or her PSLE results allows her to go to her desired school. :xedfingers:
This PSLE thingy is just sooo stressful...
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