auntieM:

krazy:

Does that mean that it is not appropriate to give $50 as ang bao? must either give $40 or $60?

[quote=\"janet_lee88\"]Hi buds,
:slapshead: to think they are ELDERS and yet don't know odd numbers are given for funerals.

Giving and receiving $50 quite 'acceptable' for us.. ...but $5 def no no, it is worse than giving $58 (won't huat in cantonese) .. [/quote]
since after my sister told that $50 is not appropriate, i have not given any $50 hongbao to anyone since it is \"unacceptable to some\". I also got ppl gave me $50 hongbao for my DD full month. But thought what about $40? maybe some wont like it too, coz it four ?
Coz four sound like die in some dialect?? to play safe now usually i make it $60 or $38 hongbao. Wont go wrong liao like that.

tutormum:

fifiyeo:

Ningning, Tutormum,


Same, same.
Not in family business = unhappy PILs. DH would be termed unfilial. Family business is a one way ticket. Can go in, can't come out. End of the day, trapped and unhappy.

Worst thing is their family biz very big and get first priority. I'm not badly affected cos never part of the biz mah. MIL only allow her own children to run the biz cos very afraid ppl like DIL know how much they earn etc. Only SIL2 and SIL3 know what's happening cos their DH manage the biz. SIL1 knows the financial state cos her DH do auditing mah. I don't know and bochap and they very secretive so scared to let ppl know. Only 'big matter' then heard some sound :imanangel: . I pity the 2 younger BIL cos they were treated like suckers, ended up with nothing and their DW working hard to help support their families. PIL left lots of valuables when they passed on but all act blur. When relatives asked, they claimed FIL still around when MIL passed on so could not distribute. After FIL passed on, they 'yi shi yi shi' took out something to distribute then :xedfingers: :xedfingers: everybody happy. It's just that we :censored: :censored: don't want to find out and leave it to their conscience. :spank:

Dear tutormum,

You are lucky that your DH is not involved in their family business. Cos one can only find oneself trapped and unhappy if you are not the favourite child of the parents. One can only survive well in a family business if you are the \"golden child\". After reading, i wonder why all the same similar stories, i am sorry to say this -- whats wrong with all these old folks, why they always placed the business fate in wrong hand?
These old folks also went through up and down in life too, why when they are rich, then they chose to be so blind. Is it, the higher you are, the more blind one gets? My PIls and SIls are so suspicious of me, then in the first place, should let their son be a monk forever, so there wont be a \"third party\" in their circle and worry that oh the \"her son money all gone liao\"........

mine also same lah. My PILs and that single SIL hold the accounts. So only they knew how much exactly that the business made. they were always so secretive , often asked my DH to sign documents without the front pages and only the final page that need to sign was shown to him. God, like that also can? So it is very obvious that it is SILs that is creating all the waves and torrent among him and parents. My dh cant asked PIls on the financial status of the business. If queried, my MIl would tell him \"dun worry, all the money is well kept\" and they became even more secretive after my dh got married. I knew they were suspicious of me and they were worried \" i ran away with the money with other man\",(once quarrel, MIL and SIL remark that i ran away with the money etc...got man outside blah blah), so they die die also cant let my Dh know how much profit the business made. Crazy. We knew they are only using my DH to roll in the profit for business whereas the two SILs just work relax relax and afternoon go facial, slimming center,spa etc. Go holidays whenever they like. Whereas my DH can only go holiday during CNY. Yet at the end of day, they got the say in the business.

I told my DH this kind of family business have no future for him, coz first you dun know how much the business earn as SILs they hold the accounts though they are the junior, secondly, pay increment is slow like turtle even the sales volume increased yearly. Thirdly, if the siblings dun see and manage the business eye to eye, really this kind business sure bound to fail once the old folks withered.

A business cant thrive in this kind of enviroment with so many politics and SILs they dun place the well being of business as their priority , they always becoz of personally feelings , they oppose and object everything their brother proposed even it is a common sense thing that will benefit the business. They rather let the opportunity get passed them.

DH and me now only wait for the withering to be withered, split from business and go separate ways from the two SILs forever . Things have turned so sour that this is only way out.

Yes i agreed with fifiyeo that \"once in , cant get out\". I can see the my poor DH is trapped now, i feel sorry for him. So if he dun want to go visit PILs during CNY, i let him be. Even we visit, they also got things to \"comment on us\". Sigh, now can only wait liao.. for the old to ......

Lucky as for myself i earn my own bread and butter now though i also went through a very very rough patch before i was out. They pay me peanuts, yet expect me to work like a \"cow\" whereas their two princess work relax relax and buy all the branded stuff and get their $500 haircut(which i dun see any difference from my normal salon cut) and claimed all their expenses from the company. We dun even get to claim on daily things. and the old folks will get very mad if we hint to them on pay increment issue. they will yell\" why so calculative har har?? didnt you know this is a family business, the business is not doing good blah blah, your two mei mei nvr asked for increment blah blah\" . God they think we are stupid, we knew the sums. On the opposite, the business is doing very well. The two SIls of course lah, of course never asked for increment coz they get to claim everything they touched.

This is the fate of many asian family business. I had some clients and suppliers , they also face the same fate, just waiting lorr.....then bye bye to each other.

krazy:

Does that mean that it is not appropriate to give $50 as ang bao? must either give $40 or $60?

janet_lee88:

Hi buds,
:slapshead: to think they are ELDERS and yet don't know odd numbers are given for funerals.

I also not very sure. Once I gave my nephew $50 angpow for his birthday as I were busy to buy him a birthday gift. I dun have enough cash at that time. After a few weeks, using another occasion as an excuse , My sister told me it's not appropriate coz it's consider odd number. to think she's is a graduate and feel that is \"pang dang\". Personally I feel it's ok to have $50 coz it's still even number to me.

Can someone enlighten me too?

laughingcat:

Hi ningning,


Kinda of feeling uncomfortable here. Since your PIL and SILs have such bad feeling for their son and brother, why then bother to continue to work in the family business? Have you guys ever considered that if one day should your SIL takes over the business, then what would be the future of your husband financial status?

Have you guys ever consider such unpleasant scenario?

Life is really short, why bother to shorten it further with all the unnecessary quarrels?

Yes, we have thought abt it many times , each time my dh told PILS that he wanted to split from the business, mil would be so mad. My dh has always placed the importance of this business above everything else but he is disheartened already after been backstab by SILs time after time and PILs chose to believe liars. He is a man that dun play dirty unlike those women.But this business require some hard work so even the SIls were to take over one day, they can't survive long. So we all knew its a wait till old folks no longer ard then bye bye to each other and nvr meet again. PILs are contradicting themselves, know siblings can't get along to this extent but still want them to be together working under the same business. Din they know is very torturing to him? I bet they knew.

As for myself I had started my own small business some times back. Knew what, my FIL insisted that I closed my business. I refused and persisted till today. It pain to know that the reason is PILs wants us to solely survive on that family business and they want to control my life too to this extent. Personally I feel they are very \"sick\".

This CNY we din go back and it is my dh that decided to do so, so we went holiday. I had nvr once told him to be unfilial to his parents cause I am also have parents. I knew dh can't be happy in his heart either to do so.

In family business usually bad feelings will spill over to family relations too. Unfortunately, this is what exactly happened in this family even before my marriage till now. though I agreed totally we have to show respect to the elderly as what I was taught since as a child. But in our case, my true filial towards them was already a past. I dun pretend to be a saint after so many rounds of extreme unfair n unreasonable treatments from them, how can I still be filial to them.. . Perhaps to some, yes , we are a bad example for our children by not going back on CNY to show our respect but on the other hand din PILs are also bad examples themselves . In this world, not only junior makes mistake, old folks do behave very badly too. But they get away, becoz most ppl had this thinking that elderly dun lie, they are upright ppl given their age and must be the junior at fault. I used to think so too, but not anymore now.

buds:

ningning.. did ur DH mind tt he didn't get to celebrate CNY with his family?

I think so DH is somewhow sad but not so sad in recent years liao. But what to do, PILs practise extreme favourism. PILs always will place their DD feelings as top most priority. So if princess say dun want to see us, then we are shut out from entering that \"door\" even special occasion like Mothers day , fathers day or PILs birthdays, we are forever excluded though we did bought gifts for them. But recent years, we stopped buying gifts for them liao since they always excluded us in many activities or gatherings. Even when one of the princess got married, we also dun know which part of singapore she is residing at. With parents that treat their own son like that , so does it make any difference to visit them during CNY, I wonder? But if ones knows how he is being treated unfairly by parents and how his parents always believed blindly what his sisters had complaint on us, will also agree that to see less of them is blessed. He had told me before marriage that his parents is unfair but i dun really take it seriously coz i tot he is a \"good boy\" to any parents. But after marriage quickly i realised that is 100% biased coz i was also treated very very unfairly by his parents.

Of course i know he is sad deep in his heart coz he did nothing wrong and had performed very well in their business but yet at the end of day, this is what he gets. I am a mother and a daughter too, i can tell he tried and had proved his worth in the business inorder to gain his parents \"love\" but sometimes \"love just cant be compel\". If you are not the\" golden child\" of your parents, no matter how well you study or performed or how much you earn, or how much concern you show for them, all effort will only be wasted and washed away in the drain without them giving one look. If you are the golden child \" even you fail in studies, fail in everything you do or touch and not filial\" , parents will treat that child like a \"prince\" or \"princess\". I knew he has figured out it already in recent years . and that this is the kind of \"family values\" his parents practised. So whenever, my PILs talked about \"we are a family, .....blah blah...... i always got very irked by it. Personally , i felt that they are not qualify to tell me \"we are a family..........\" since they do not treat us like one in the first place. Sad to not spend CNY with them? Better not cause go already, come home sure feel \"cake sim\" and we will end up sigh at each other and laughed off bitterly again.......

janet_lee88:

Emelyn:

[quote=\"fifiyeo\"]The story would have been totally different if PIL's golden boy and wife showed up. We have often witness how MIL could suddenly change from foul mood to win toto mood! All smiles and calling them on top of her voice. There were times when we arrived and PILs thought that their precious had arrived and dashed to the front so happy. See its us and staight away \"oh, it's you ah\" and the smile and sunshine all gone.

Then why you still bother to visit them ? I will so pissed that I won't bother.

If all she wants to SEE is her golden boy, then I really don't think you need to visit her, esp since she has made her preference so obvious.
Outright favouritism :mad: next year no need to visit them.[/quote]
My case is the same. thats why we din go back this year and went hoilday instead. We knew very well the PILS would rather be happy to see their DD family visit them only. As the whole family are all involved in their family business so there are many quarrels on and off. If we went there, everyone will be \"black face\". The two SILs has been trying very hard to ostracise my DH coz they din want their big brother to take over the business should their dad oneday old and need retire. They want to call the shots instead. They enjoyed to be at the most top. So far they have an upperhand, coz PILs doted on the single SIL. So whether we make it to visit them or not during CNY, PILs definitely can always squeeze something to complain about us. Since so , why visit them? anyway they dun appreciate except \"bad comments\". Since their princess, dun like to see our face, we \"disappear\" lor......It is a known fact that if princess tell MIL she dun want to see us then it is common that for probably one year or so , we will not be asked to go back for dinner in normal days too. So its all depends on that single SIL lor......If they dare complain this time that we din visit them, i wil tell at their face\" we knew we are unlikeable by ur DD, so it is better we dun visit\". also if we die die go visit PILS, then that princess wil have to remain upstair at her bedroom or has to go out somewhere else. PILs will be heartbroken to see their precious DD remain in her room or go \"exile\" for few hours coz of us. So i knew they wont be happy to see us. so forget about visiting them since it is unhappy for everyone.

Yes while i agreed that as family we should give and take, but alamak, if you are in my shoes, definitely that cant be apply here. You give in, she steps in two steps......u know...If you face very evil ppl. i would prefer to stay clear from them and whatever they comment , will not change my mind for not visit them in CNY. :imcool:

i din really follow what was discussed earlier on. But i definitely agreed that it is never easy to stay with the elderly and it is even so if you are under the same roof with in laws. My mum also has this thinking that no matter what she will stay with my elder sister though i had mentioned to her a couple times for her to stay with me but she just remained silent. My elder sister was my mum "whole world" , she was her "pride" , her life revolve around my sister’s life, her kids etc…I had already accepted this fact long time . As long as i treated my mum with my heart and done what i as a daughter should, and she is happy then i am happy too.


But sometimes my sister will complaint to me that mum had mood swing maybe due to old age? So if they are our own parents and at times we also had to bear with their behaviour or mood , what about PILs whom are not our parents though we should also treat them with respect. It is a very tedious task to be in harmony with PILs if unfortunately they fall on the "not so easy to get along with" type.

for myself i just work with PILs, SILs in their family business, and get all the bruises internally and externally. Its only after i get out , then i can breathe again easily. If stay together, think my marriage would have been dead liao…

hi! everyone here, i am back from my one week holiday liao.


really happy to go holiday and not see any of those evil ppl faces, SILS, PILS. We did not go for re dinner coz we left days before the festive begins. But my Dh today passed the angpow to his parents at their office though we did not go visiting them at their home coz PIls they all resume work liao. We know we are not welcome by that single SIL so why bother to visit and see her face. With this somehow end the festive liao. But PILs did not pass any angpow to my DD. So i told my Dh maybe next year dun need even to give PILs angpow liao since we had done our part. after so many rounds of fights, quarrel etc........this family has left nothing liao except hatred for each other all thanks to that always remain at home SIL. PIls are contented as long as their precious old princess is with them till they die. ha ha .....i used to care what they say if we din do the CNY visit, but i dun care now. :imcool:

For me this year, well we will travel for the whole full week. By the time we return from holiday, everyone has resume work liao…hee hee. cos we got so much "bad blood" with PILs, SILs so we tot of why not go for holiday instead to see those evils. dun care whether PIl happy or not, I no longer placed their emotion on my agenda anymore.


Anyway according to my past experiences, whenever i am there, i were not suppose to talk coz they will all open their"ears" wide and "record" whatever i said and either correct what i say or will pretend not to hear me. and after i left, i knew they will critise and will start to "decipher" whatever i said into something "evil". so i always keep mum especially so if that unmarrried SIL is around. sigh…they are all too free liao…got maid at home, got slightly above average income, private home, somemore no family committments (single SIL), life is sweet to them, so i suppose by gossip about me really spice up their life. Anyway we knew, we will not be "missed" by PILS, my MIL asked my DH in a very loud frustrated tone "coming for dinner"? sigh…since PILs are always biased against us, even we go dinner is only my "phyical is there". "soul is out somewhere else" . Theres no words spoken at the table, everyone just black face througout, the ambience is very "cold". WHERE GOT MEANING LIKE THAT FOR REUNION DINNER? My SIL will put all those expensive food not within my reachable distance and put those ytd food infront of me. so childish. Usually i will just quickly finish my meal and sit to stare at the tv blankly (they are the long life taiwan drama supporters). Any minute spent there, seem like a life time to me. Can anyone understand how torture it is?

This year we chosed to stay away from these TROUBLE MARKERS. Hurray!!! When i am back, my mum and sister will cook a good meal for us as reunion dinner, though not much fancy food but it is the tots thats counts and we are family, theres no stress to talk about anything we like. we dun "record" and "decipher" what ones says at the table.

Kompressor:

ningning:

[quote=\"Kompressor\"]My mother in law stays with us and also SLEEPS WITH US IN THE SAME ROOM!


Told my DW I was not too comfortable with her sleeping in the same room however she feels its nothing wrong.

I mean I just dont feel comfortable sleeping with someone else, kids ok, but not MIL rite?

Perhaps any gals out there can tell me how they feel? Its it ok? As in am I being unreasonable?

I cant imagine to have my inlaw or my parent to sleep in the same room with me and DH. Unless if theres a special situation, maybe feel unwell or so.......even it is my own mum coz i can imagine the scenerio. its odd, isnt it? kids is ok when they are junior. Maybe your spouse is very close to her mum...........

i can fully understand why you feel uncomfortable to have someone else in the same bedroom.

I share the same feeling as you. I am totally ok with my kids, but not parents or PIL.

Its like I wanna sleep in some unglam position or what also cannot...[/quote]ya i totally agreed with the rest that you need to talk to your DW that you are not ok to sleep same room with ur MIL. I feel that bedroom to me is the place where i unwind and relax for the day, i want to be \"myself\" in my own bedroom. I dun want to worry about my sleeping posture or so..........while i relax and sleep well. if you have a guestroom, maybe u can sleep there when u are ready to sleep if ur dw insist that her mum shld sleep with her. My dh also sleep in another room while me and my DD sleep together, he spent time with us in the bedroom but retreat to the guestroom when he is ready to sleep liao. Its ok with us.

you should try to let dw know how you feel.......