Pls help! - My gal seems to have split personalities

[anxiousmummy123]

Hi,


my gal is in cc suggested by my bb doc aft I spoke to her abt my gal's condition when i ask her is my gal ADHD? She doesnt tink tat my gal has ADHD. Just suggested tat we switch her fm kindy 2 cc as its more discipline & organise. She commented tat my gal is lack of discipline as my maid cant ctrl her at hm & maid had neglected her as she's oso caring for my 2yo son. Oso commented tat my gal is searching for my knowledge as brain grows.

She behaved differently at hm: She cant bathe on her own w/o any noise & when maid helped her, there's bound to be screams or shouts fm her. She'll smetimes scream when maid is tying her hair(either complained tat maid pulled her hair or is tying it 2 tight), comb her hair & she'll throw tantrums when it dangled. Eat with mess or walking abt. Not serious when doing her hmwrk, she'll just scribbled or stared blankly. When u ask her to try, she'll keep saying \"i dont know\" w/o trying. Refused to read or do accessments. When reading, dont know is it careless or bo chap, eg: \"then\" will be read as \"the\" or either skip a word or insert a word. Had been on phonics enrichment class but phonics is still weak. Nt gd at hearing sounds nt to mention blending. Cant visualise well. She can spell the word \"baby\" but when tested, she wrote \"dady\" instead. She's always throwing tantrums & on top of her voices. Seems to like wat her bro is playing or shall says she envy her bro with no hmwrk as she oso likes to laz ard.

There are times when my maid called to say my gal kept touching her butt & laughing hysterically even when scolded by my maid. She dont listen to maid's instruction though this is the same maid that had been looking after her since she's born. My gal is getting worse in terms of character & behaviour at hm ever since the birth of my son. I wondered y is she loggerheads with the maid ever since. Cld it be bcos my maid had divert most of her attention to my son as my son is more obedient as his character is mre tamed than my gal?

Recently I do sme checks with the cc in chg, they dont suspect her of any learning disability. She showed me sme of her wrksheets done in sch, surprisingly her handwriting is so much better than those written at hm. She seems to understand most of her work. Teachers says she can coped v well n does her wrk independently. Teachers agreed that her attention span is shorter than others & she's a bit talkative tats y teachers will arrange for her to sit in front. She can follow instructions & oso get along well with the others. She bathe on her own & dress herself w/o any noise. Teacher tied & combed her hair and there's no scream or complain fm her. She take turns in cc & have her group of frds. She speak softly to evyone in cc and never cranky even though she dont nap during nap time when the rest are zz... She's really soft spoken at cc, even to me when she normally dont at hm. She wait for her turn to talk to me patiently at cc but if its at hm, she'll interrupt & throw tantrums by throwing things,banging or even walking off.

There are times when i dropped by her cc(she's on 2 way cc transport), she'll looked surprised, happy & yet shy with finger on her lip calling me \"mummy\" softly which she normally dont if she's at hm. Can u imagine hw sweet & innocent she looked? I understand that most mummies find that sweetness in their child most of the times but nt for me. How I wish she cld behave like tis just like normal kids. Everything's ok if her mood is gd & she's enough zz...

At her enrichment class, tat teacher who used to complain alot on my gal's conduct & handwriting, actually sing praises starting tis year. Commenting tat she's more well behaved & attentive & serious in her wrk. In fact its overall improvement. Saying she's grown up. I was tinking OMG!

Looks like all positive remarks on her behaviour & wrk except at hm. Wat shld we do, where to seek help?

Does my gal have any learning disability & where to get her diagnose? We're desperate to seek help as this may affect her future. She definitely have some disciplinery prob but hw do we explain the split personalities in her? We've used both the hard & soft method but it doesnt work on her. She's nt even afraid of canes. We really dont know wats in her mind. She cld be seeking our attention but we've family outing on most wkends & bought her things that she requested. We're afraid that she might take us/things for granted.

There are times that I feel like giving up on her. (My hubbie kept consoling me that we're considered fortunate as our child is at least born healthy which I thinks its true tats y I move on) I dont expect her to be gifted or whatsoever just dont give me such headaches.

Anything wrg with our way of teaching, upbringing & etc???

Any kind soul out there???


my email: anxiousmummy@gmail.com

[jedamum]

anxiousmummy123:

Does my gal have any learning disability & where to get her diagnose? We're desperate to seek help as this may affect her future. She definitely have some disciplinery prob but hw do we explain the split personalities in her? We've used both the hard & soft method but it doesnt work on her. She's nt even afraid of canes. We really dont know wats in her mind. She cld be seeking our attention but we've family outing on most wkends & bought her things that she requested. We're afraid that she might take us/things for granted.

hi anxiousmummy,
family outing is time together as a family. do you have one-to-one quality time with her? it is obvious she is seeking attention from the tantrums she threw at home.

it's time that you take control. show her who is 'boss' - not by way of caning unreasonably, but by instilling in her that she has the duty to behave and do what she ought to do for kids her age - respect elders. but by insisting that, have you and your husband done your part in staying connected with her? what forms of discipline works on her? time out? withdrawal of privileges? or she just needs lots of praise, security and assurance? insisting that she should get along with the maid just cos the maid has been her caregiver may not be fair to her... the maid may have taken care of her daily routine, but where will your daughter get the love and bonding from?

do not be too keen to stick any medical labels onto your dd just cos you feel that you can't cope with her tantrums. if you are really that desperate to seek help, do you have the option to quit your job or take long long leave so that you can spend more time with her? tackle one issue at a time. at times like this, knowing how to blend/read/spell is not as important as getting her to behave and show respect to people around her at home.

jmho.

[jedamum]

anxiousmummy123:

She behaved differently at hm: She cant bathe on her own w/o any noise & when maid helped her, there's bound to be screams or shouts fm her. She'll smetimes scream when maid is tying her hair(either complained tat maid pulled her hair or is tying it 2 tight), comb her hair & she'll throw tantrums when it dangled. Eat with mess or walking abt. Not serious when doing her hmwrk, she'll just scribbled or stared blankly. When u ask her to try, she'll keep saying \"i dont know\" w/o trying. Refused to read or do accessments. When reading, dont know is it careless or bo chap, eg: \"then\" will be read as \"the\" or either skip a word or insert a word. Had been on phonics enrichment class but phonics is still weak. Nt gd at hearing sounds nt to mention blending. Cant visualise well. She can spell the word \"baby\" but when tested, she wrote \"dady\" instead. She's always throwing tantrums & on top of her voices. Seems to like wat her bro is playing or shall says she envy her bro with no hmwrk as she oso likes to laz ard.

There are times when my maid called to say my gal kept touching her butt & laughing hysterically even when scolded by my maid.

for the above, jmho...
1) She cant bathe on her own w/o any noise & when maid helped her, there's bound to be screams or shouts fm her.
- stop getting the maid to bathe for her. ask her if she prefers mummy to bathe for her. how about mummy take time to bathe her on alternate days? how about mummy bring her on a trip to the store to pick out her fav bathing gel? how about mummy blowing her hair after she bathe?

2)She'll smetimes scream when maid is tying her hair(either complained tat maid pulled her hair or is tying it 2 tight), comb her hair & she'll throw tantrums when it dangled.
- maybe she is cranky cos she's tired? i am assuming that the maid needs to tie her hair early in the morning before school. tell her that she can leave her hair in a mess to go to school if that is what she prefers.

3) Eat with mess or walking abt.
- i am assuming again that you refer to dinner time cos childcare will take care of lunch. will you be in time to eat dinner with her at home? eat together. at the family dining.
for mess, kids will be kids. you can get her to help you clean up with you afterwards.

4) Not serious when doing her hmwrk, she'll just scribbled or stared blankly. When u ask her to try, she'll keep saying \"i dont know\" w/o trying. Refused to read or do accessments.
- you have mentioned that she has a good record in school. why won't she do the homework to maintain her good record?
if you are referring to additional home assignment, my husband's take is,'majority of kids like or dislike homework?' :roll:

5) Had been on phonics enrichment class but phonics is still weak. Nt gd at hearing sounds nt to mention blending. Cant visualise well. She can spell the word \"baby\" but when tested, she wrote \"dady\" instead.
- some kids learn better through repetition (eg sight words/flashcards) rather than phonics. there is a thread on 'mirrored image' words that you may want to check it out.
my P1 still writes 'b' and 'd' wrongly...spelling he spelt 'tub' as 'tud' (or is it 'mud' as 'mub'...can't remember). :roll:

6) Seems to like wat her bro is playing or shall says she envy her bro with no hmwrk as she oso likes to laz ard.
- my boy likes to laze around too and occasionally commented that his bro so good..eat and play whole day. i'll tell him, his bro can't snack on ice-cream and snacks, his bro can't play with lego (for >3+) and he can cos he is older. and being older comes with their own set of responsibilities. the dad is older and needs to work even if he is tired. the dad/mum needs to wake up early to ensure that he reach sch on time even if we are tired. that are some things that we just have to do our part.

7) There are times when my maid called to say my gal kept touching her butt & laughing hysterically even when scolded by my maid.
- this is a phase. you have to let your girl know that there is a need to respect people's privacy and space. does she like others to touch her butt and laugh?

there are alot of communication needed...have you spent enough one to one time with her? get the dad to spend alone time with her too...cos at times, dads click better with daughters.

jmho.

[smurf]

what I think is that your dotter might be seeking attention at home. If she stays at CC wholeday, when she comes home, she will want to play with the parents, especially if you and your hubby is working. and the maid is busying attending to the baby. or she might even be seeking attention from th maid since the maid is the one who has been taking care of her since birth.


jedamum is right, u got to spend more ALONE time with her, and not just involve baby everytime. I find that elder child tends to seek love from the parents more.
Bring her out just the 3 of you (hub, u and her).

I was in similar position and I really regret that I didn't seek help at that time. :stupid:

Talk to her like u r talking to an adult and you will be surprised how much she knows.

[Observer]

As mentioned by someone, Your gal may be seeking your "Full attention" towards her in home.

Also, your gal must be very intelligent because "She knows how to behave where". In CC, she knows her limits, because CC have teachers not parents. In home, it’s her dear parents, so she is trying to manipulate you and maid. She is with the same maid since birth, the maid also must be very dear to her.

If you want to seek medical help, dun go to GPs. They are not trained in child development and Psychology. You can contact "Child Development Unit" at KK Hospital or any other Child psychologists.

[jedamum]

insider:

PS: When facing kids with emotional issues, I do \"book therapy\" a lot in my cc.

Yes...'book therapy' works on behavioural issues too.
a while ago, i went to borrow a Mr Men (Mr Rude) story for my boy :roll: and we had a good laugh thereafter followed by some discussion on his recent behaviour.

[schellen]

jedamum:

insider:

PS: When facing kids with emotional issues, I do \"book therapy\" a lot in my cc.

Yes...'book therapy' works on behavioural issues too.
a while ago, i went to borrow a Mr Men (Mr Rude) story for my boy :roll: and we had a good laugh thereafter followed by some discussion on his recent behaviour.

If you have younger children and they are girls, you can try the Little Princess series, easily available at libraries. They're by Tony Ross.

When my DD was younger (she's 7 now), she was a bit rude and demanding, instead of requesting politely so I read \"I Want My Dinner!\" with her and she got it. It helps that the illustrations are funny and the story/characters are hilarious.

P.S. My DD still loves this series so we still borrow them for her even though the stories are fairly simple.

[corneyAmber]

Just a thought, is praise lacking at home? The way the teachers talked about her, it would mean that she must be receiving alot of praises in school.


Perhaps start by surprising her with some small praises to see if she responds well to them at home. If she does, then you will know the root of the problem. Sometimes things work in a vicious cycle, you have to break the cycle somewhere…to bring out the positive energy from her.

[sashimi]

My 2 cents:


I largely agree with the above observations. To summarize it in sentences:

anxiousmommy,

- To your daughter, home has evolved into a place of stress, associated with feelings of dissatisfaction and unfairness.

- CC has become your daughter’s "home".

- Your daughter does appear to desire equal attention.

- Your maid is NOT helping nor is she the solution for your daughter.

- Your daughter wants friends and guidance, not maids or instructions.


Look at it from the bright side: your daughter IS capable of being nice. Take advantage of this fact, instead of feeling suspicious of it.


I won’t say again what has already been said above regarding the need for you AND your husband to be your child’s friend.

Personally, I am against maids taking care of children. But to each his own. However, I hazard the theory that your maid has been placed in a position that makes things worse.

It is possible that your daughter not only feels she’s not getting enough attention (from you?) but because of that she detests the substitute attention (ie. from your maid) even more. So, your maid is not going to be the solution.

Can I check something - are there situations where you and your girl are alone with each other, no maid present - and in these situations, does your daughter behave better?

[coolbaby]

I am experiencing similar situation as anxiousmummy123. My P1 son is giving us lots of headache too. But it never occurs to me as split personalities. I received positive feedback from his childcare teachers/principal, including his classmate's mother. She told me her girl likes my son cos unlike other kids they like to disturb her. and other parents also said he's a good boy. However, when he's at home, EVERY day and nites, he would be crying and we would be scolding him. I'm sooo tired. We do not have a maid. Everyday there will be some big or small drama in the morning before he goes to school (he's in the am session). At night when I pick him up, also another round of drama before he goes to sleep. He will throw tantrum for the slightless issue, like:

1) last Sunday, while getting ready to go out, so we all get change. But while trying to get his shirt and pants he claimed that Daddy is blocking his way as Daddy was helping younger brother to take his clothes.
2) whine and cried when I tried to help him with his spelling/tingxie, such as he insisted his way of spelling is right or he said he already spelled out the word when I asked him to repeat again... etc
3) this morning after eating the bread, refused to drink his milk, brush teeth, changed. But just want to lie down on the floor. till it's almost time to leave the house so i dragged him to toilet to brush his teeth and changed him. When we all done, he said he wanted to pass motion. After passing motion, he's OK. He's back to his ownself. So I asked him what happened earlier, is he being naughty or not feeling well. He said naughty. Well Thank God, at least he's OK when we leave the house, and I got him to revise the spelling on the way to school.

The worst is that I don't know why he just doesn't understand a simple thing like, if you don't want us to punish/take away your privilege then you just do what we told you (like, finish up your meal, brush teeth, do your homework). Just like this morning. But he is just as stubborn not to move and wait for me to drag him to toilet. Dh already told him every minutes he delayed he has to pay for 10cents per minute. Sometimes, he's ok, sometimes he will whine to protest, meaning he can delay more time instead of moving to get things done.

Anyway, there are many more scenario that he whines and cries for the slightless things that got into his way. It got worst after CNY we are sooo tired of his nonsense. Can't wait for him to mature and stop all these.