Club Only Child Club
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kaithlyangelica:
My boys are 4 years apart and the age gap has been planned for. We are vey lucky that we could get to plan our children's age gap and have it fulfilled as per scheduled.1) Pressure from relatives especially at festive seasons. Queries come in on how come we only have one kid.
2) Feelings of inferiority on why we couldn't 'complete' the family and have no 2?
3) Child constantly asking for sibling.
4) Child very clingey because there is no one else to entertain her.
5) Child less socially apt as she has no one else to interact with.
6) Child rather selfish as she has no one else to share with.
1) During the 4 years, I was always ridiculed for not having a 2nd one, esp came from my hubby's side. I'm constantly compared to bec I have a cousin-in-law who gave birth to her first the same year as me, and one year later, preggy with her 2nd. And our MILs love to compare among themselves. I didn't have it easy from my in-laws too. But well, there's really no need to go explain yourself the why and what and when, just smile, end of obligation, leave the place - dun spoil your own mood.
2) Those 4 years, it does feel kinda 'empty', when my child got bullied in the playground, occupying only 3 seats in macdonalds when it's meant to be utilised for 4 etc. These feelings are in you cos you are still planning (unlike parents here who know that they will have one and only one). It's a psychological barrier here cos #2 didn't quite come as per planned. Should god decide that you have one, treasure it and stop feeling 'empty' about it. 1 might not be such a bad thing afterall, you never know how life is planned for you. My gf's #2's age gap is 8/9 years from her #1. She was in the midst of giving up when I heard that she was preggy! She just gave birth to #3 when her #2 turned 3. Got another friend, tried for many years but no children so went for 人工受孕, gave birth to quadraplets. 3 months later, pregnant with another. Husband just filed for divorce with her.
4& 6) Same point as qms! Having more children won't really make them more sharing and less clingy. It's quite a stereotype for single child. -
carin004:
Hi Carin004,Hi,
I have only one 8 yo gal. I am 36 and DH 38. I grew up in a big family (there are 5 of us), so naturally I wanted to have more than 1 kid. But DH think otherwise.
Whenever relatives ask, I will tell them \"soon\" and soon they give up asking.
2)At first I still try to persuade DH to change his mind and gave him 2 years to reconsider.... Since I thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy, I do not mind having another BB. In the end, due to work stress and not able to get helpers, we finally decided to stop at one, and never regretted it.
3) Every time DD ask for siblings, I tell her that she has many cousins whom we meet every weekend. And she eventually accepted it.
4) When DD was younger, she was very clingy... as she is bigger, she is less clingy. In fact she enjoys doing things with me. Sometimes she is bored playing on her own, she will ask me to let her do some household chores like folding clothes, vacuum or even mop the floor. She even know how to cook instant noodles for me (once) when I am back late from work and hadn't had dinner yet (using induction cooker, no fire).
5) We send my DD to childcare at 18mths, cos we are afraid that she will lose out on interacting with other kids. And its a wise decision made as she is extremely sociable, even with strangers (or maybe its her nature to be sociable)
6) We have been teaching our DD to share, even with her cousins. We will ask her to share with us her fav food or toy. In fact whenever she has something nice to eat, she will save at least 1 of it for her daddy who is not back from work. In fact I observed that DD is more willing to share compared to her cousins who have siblings.
A few years ago, a friend whose only son (16 yo) once told her that he hoped he had sibling whom he can talk to (esp when both parents are not at home). That set me rethink our decision. In the end, we are still with only 1 kid.
Baby dust to you. Sometimes we just can't plan or what we plan just doesn't go our way. -
ks2me:
Hi ks2me,Hi, here's my 2 cents worth...it is a mindset change you need to have first.
1) Pressure from relatives especially at festive seasons. Queries come in on how come we only have one kid.
I do not feel the pressure because having more children does not mean less pressure too. People will continue to query other things, like how come your kids not doing this and that. So treat these as small talk topics, people have limited topics for conversation. If you think this way, it will not affect you. Personally I don't only get this at festive seasons, I get it ALMOST every day! :lol: Because every time they see my kid, they cannot help asking me why I do not have more. I am still very delighted to answer this question gazillion times because it is our happy choice that we decide to stay at 1 and the simple reason is, conceiving, carrying the pregnancy are all the easy stuff, the challenge is how to bring them up WELL in a much more complex world today. Most people will back off after that cos they don't have a good answer either.. :politebleah: This is not to say that we do not love to have kids, we do but the world has changed dramatically.
2) Feelings of inferiority on why we couldn't 'complete' the family and have no 2?
If it is by choice, there is no inferiority feelings. My definition of a 'complete' family is a HAPPY one, not in numbers.
3) Child constantly asking for sibling.
Children also go through phases, at one stage, they demand, then they request and slowly they accept that this is probably the best arrangement ever!! :lol:
4) Child very clingey because there is no one else to entertain her.
Again a phase, instead of having it as perennial clingey, turn it into a strong bonding. Once they go to primary school, with a busload of friends, the clingeyness should diminish but the strong bond remains.
5) Child less socially apt as she has no one else to interact with.
Undoubtedly, parents have to spend more effort to create such interaction opportunities and hopefully this will be further improved when in school. My child is sociable and well-accepted in school. In fact, she has a few friends who want to share her as their best friend. I told her all are friends, no need best friend to go exclusive.
6) Child rather selfish as she has no one else to share with.
Even though only child is more prone to this, but I have noticed those with siblings can also behave like this and even more fiercely. So it boils down to parental guidance to correct the behaviour. We should encourage our child to also SHARE with us. Sharing is not limited to age group, i.e. only with her peers.
This seems to affect dd as well as she gets upset whenever she hears of her friends who have new siblings in the family.
Hmmm.....you first need to determine why she is upset by probing to the root. At the root, then you can guide her why she is no less than her friends. If you ask me, this may just be a comparison issue more than a lonely issue. If a child feels secured about many things, this should not affect them unduly.
Lastly, just to add another consideration. Having children is a major responsibility. If I am getting older and hence a shorter time for my younger kid, I think it is irresponsible of me to bring this kid to the world and to have little time with parents and leave to fend for herself/himself under some care-giver just by satisfying the above conditions you have raised. We also have to spare a thought for the unborn child who is also our child.
I hope by reading this, you feel lighter and happier with your choice. But if you still want baby-dust...
Thanks for your long long reply.Yes I agree. It's a minset which I have to change. We started off wanting to have only one and along the way, mindset took a 360 degree change. Well man proposes but God disposes.
I have been doing many things to try and take my mind of this like signing up for courses and marathons. -
sashimi:
I have long told myself that, [I should have a 2nd child so that the 1st child is not lonely] is an invalid reason for having a 2nd child. You should have another for the sake of the 2nd child, not because you need to satisfy the whims of the 1st. (Even if it is in fact, not an insignificant whim), or the whims of relatives.
The reasons you cited for not having a 2nd one are pretty much the same as mine - job problems, in-laws (and parents) not \"conducive\" to childcare, child kept falling sick.
SO... the solution is to resolve as many probs as you can. So I got a stable job, and I figured out how to boost my family's resistance to illness, etc.
You might want to consider it. It's not impossible.
Truth be told, I was also afraid of having a 2nd one cos I'm sexist. I'm mortally afraid of having a son. Prefer girls, absolutely.
And this is not a silly thread!
Hi Sashimi,
Thanks for kind note.
I have resolved most of the problems that I faced initially. The biggest change I did was a career switch which i though will enable me to conceive more easily. Unfortunately, things didn't go my way.
And yes i agree with you that we shouldn't have a 2nd kid due to pressure but because we truly desire to have one. Hence in the earlier years, I actually didn't feel any pressure at all. I guess I feel it now because most of my friends have managed to conceive no 2 successfully and dd is not gg to p1 next year.
In the earlier years, I remember pp telling me to quickly try for no 2 because you may not be able to have when you want to . However, due to compelling reasons , we did not plan to. Sad to say, when we were finally ready, things didn't go our way. Its really frustrating. -
kaitlynangelica,
I guess we're in the same boat because me too, having only one daughter. Too many times, there're too many 'over-concern' ppl who just pass casual remark asking on the reasons why there's no sibling for my DD. The worst accusation I ever got was \"You are being selfish for not giving your daughter a sibling\" :x
I recently bought a book entitled 'Parenting An Only Child' by Susan Newman (ISBN: 0-385-24963-2). Chinese version '如何教养独生子' ISBN:957-32-2756-8...quote from the book \"...在自我评估下,独生孩子自认为是快乐并满意的, 而且比其他孩子更满意他们的生活. 这是对独生孩子仔细研究下最重要的发现...\"
If you are interested in this book, you can find it in NLB searching with ISBN 9573227568. It might help you to view parenting an only child from a different perspective. As the author put it \"...本书的目的在于为家长解析关于独生子的各种困扰问题,并且帮助你决定最好的解决方式...\"
Hope the info helps.
I agree with what a 前辈 said in the earlier post...\"the definition of a complete family is a HAPPY family...\". If you feel you are already happy with only 3 ppl in the family, why bother about what other ppl say? But of course, if you want a second child out of your own will, I'll for you. -
okay, I am in the 1 child club. DS turning 4 and everybody is asking…
1) Pressure from relatives especially at festive seasons. Queries come in on how come we only have one kid.
Actually I think it is perfectly okay with only one kid. And I let people who ask knows that’s what I think.
2) Feelings of inferiority on why we couldn’t ‘complete’ the family and have no 2?
No inferiority. Agree that a happy family is a complete family. Numbers is not an issue.
3) Child constantly asking for sibling.
My kid strangely bo leh. The CC teacher is jokingly asking him is he want didi or mei mei. And he goes me only.
4) Child very clingey because there is no one else to entertain her.
That won’t last. My is 4 and is starting to let less clingey already.
5) Child less socially apt as she has no one else to interact with.
We go out with cousins, friends who have only one kid quite often and send him to cc and classes so he he gets to interact with lots of people alot. I think he is quite okay in that area now. We also go to indoor playgrounds alot and leave him with little supervision. Without us being too closeby he will just start playing with other kids and practise his social skills.
6) Child rather selfish as she has no one else to share with.
I don’t think a child being selfish is due to being a single child. Just need to encourage the child to share and make her/him feel good about sharing. -
The behaviour of my child, is not easily identified she is a single child as she is quite matured in thinking and independent. However, the behaviour of me, seems very easily identified as a mum of a single child. As I only have one child, I tend to have more time on her and hence get to know many of her issues, problems, friends ... I am surprised, there are times, other parents (first time talking to them) or even teachers, would always ask me, \"Is she a single child ?\" :shock:
Any single child parents face this situation ? -
daisyt:
Hi daisyt,The behaviour of my child, is not easily identified she is a single child as she is quite matured in thinking and independent. However, the behaviour of me, seems very easily identified as a mum of a single child. As I only have one child, I tend to have more time on her and hence get to know many of her issues, problems, friends ... I am surprised, there are times, other parents (first time talking to them) or even teachers, would always ask me, \"Is she a single child ?\" :shock:
Any single child parents face this situation ?
Yes. Because single child parents I believe, tend to be more indulgent and kancheong? Versus if you had a brood to worry about, you would be more relaxed I think.
Pp also say that my gal is more 'xie jie' n 'dae' when she is alone with me but she behaves normally when there is a figure of authority around like when she attends her classes. -
hello everyone~~
Can i join the clubb??? :lol:
My boy is 4 years old this year~~~notty boy kekeke -
hi CanCanmum, you are most welcome. But hor, are you very sure you would be in this club ? your boy only 4yo.
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