Spending time with your parents or in-laws

[mathsparks]

winth:

To us, the immediate family comes first and time to be spent alone with DH and children is vital in maintaining family cohesiveness. Might not be a very popular thought here, but up till now, this is how we get around with more time spent for ourselves and our children.

Hi winth, I also believe in immediate family togetherness esp when kids were young. We used to go to the beach, have picnics, cycling, zoo-ing, every weekend when they were young. There's a favorite picnic spot which my girl remembers well, near the obs campsite in East coast.

Both kids are very close to us and share their tales/woes openly with us. So, even if it's not too popular an idea, it's something to be encouraged too.

[ChiefKiasu]

insider:

怎能将父母当猫狗般遗弃？...

Thanks insider! Reminds me of the story of the Giving Tree. The lesson here is: never put yourself in the position where you need to depend on someone else for your livelihood... even if that someone else is your own flesh and blood.

[MLR]

insider:

不孝子女抛弃父母的事件时有所闻，正因为太过普遍，更令人感慨万千。或者应该借此提醒老年人：“亲生儿，不如近身钱”，要守住棺材本，别把房子让给子女。别寄望养儿防老，唯有老伴才可靠。我国虽有赡养父母法令，但问题是，有些父母宁可自己受委屈也不愿让孩子蒙上不孝之名，法令因此形同虚设。


　　唉，天下父母心，几个子女会了解？

早报网[/size]

So very true. Thats why I never ever thought about our child taking care of us when we are in our twilight years. DH comes from a background where once you are old enough to fend for yourself, you are out, so it goes the same for the parents too. They hv to fend for themselves.

[Funz]

When DH and I were just dating we did talk about living arrangements with our parents. He is the eldest and the only son. I told him that as long as our parents are healthy and capable of taking care of themselves, I do not see a need for them to be staying with us. If they are sick, old and infirmed, then yes I will not turn them away, it could be a situation of having them living together with us or finding a place nearer to us and providing the day help to take care of them depending on what makes more sense.


So far, his mum stayed with us after her surgery, then his dad when he had his ballooning done and then my dad when he went for his triple bypass. My sis kidded saying my home is becoming a convalescence centre.

My parents have long ago told us that they do not wish to live with us as much a possible. My dad actually said that if he reach a point where he needs to be dependant on another on a daily basis, send him to a nursing home but be sure to visit.

养儿防老? DH does not believe in that. He likes my dad’s thinking. He feels that it is not fair to saddle our kids with that responsibility. Of course that does not mean that they disregard us totally but our aim is to be financially stable in our twilight years. And with our actions of being there when our parents need us, including our parents in celebratory events and even holidaying together, being present for anniversary prayers, etc we hope to impart in them the sense of filial piety and regard for us as their parents but at the same time, without being a burden to them.

[mel2sg]

Hi


It makes me jealous reading some of the close-knit family postings. Intro - My family have 4 childrens, and I am the 2nd child or the eldest son. BTW - now I am married with 2 kids - 8 years old daughter & 4 years old boy.

Throughout my childhood, all I can remember are fightings & shoutings in the family. My mum & dad will always fight over money, disciplining kids and any other matters. Worst of all, at times when they are at foul moods they will take it out on us - beating. Somehow, I am the one who got the most beatings. When not arguing, my mum will said all the bad things of my dad of how he ill-treat her, while my dad will also do the same - even up to now when both of them are over 60 years old. Actually, I do not understand why if they hate each other so much, why still stay together and have 4 children - and not divorce.

Although all my brother & sisters have grown up, I believe due to the environment we are brought up being rebellious and very dyfunction. I choose to belive all of us have very low EQ and very hot-headed. When come to family gathering all of us try not to step into each other tail, else all hell come loose....... It has been norm for us (children) to shout at our parents to get certain message across during some of the arguments. BTW - mum stay by herself, and dad stay with sis at elsewhere.

On the part of filial piety on my part:
- give monies to parents, they dont take......as they dont need it
- buy presents for them.........after a while they say dont need
- ask them to come to my house to stay, they dont like singapore (btw theyare in malaysia)
- so end up only visit them 2-3 times a year

I know my parents do not have many more years left but I really do not understand my own parents, even when i called home our conversation is limited to the few standard questions. So, if you ask me what is filial piety,,,i really dont know

[aprilsummer]

Hi,


my parents are the same type as yours. 4 children - 3 sons and 1 daughter, me. They argue nonstop and still stay together. Only difference, my parents loved their sons, esp the eldest one, to death. Treat him like a god. Me - pure dirt. Whenever my parents, esp my mom, are unhappy, like to vent on me.

Left me out of all gatherings, incl CNY reunion. Only the sons are invited. All b’cos I fought wi the eldest pig once. But still expect me to give monthly allowance of at least a few hundreds, even though I am a SAHM.

Recently my mom wanted me to take her to Japan for holiday. I told her that this time her sons need to chit in since I have paid for her previous holidays, and her sons have never brought her overseas. Quoting you, "all hell went loose"…her sons have family to take care of, I have the highest family income (my husband and myself are graduates), its not much $, we should not trouble her sons…

Really really so fed up. I could easily afford that few thousands and my husband don’t mind my mom coming along for the holiday. We have actually planned to take her to central Japan rather than Hakkaido this Dec, as Hakkaido will be too cold for her. But, what is so difficult for her sons to share the costs this time? All of them are working adults. They have never taken her for holidays and they should have, as her precious sons. I am still :x even though the argument was 2 weeks ago.

[winth]

Hi aprilsummer,


Sometimes, it is not so good to keep comparing. I believe that 家家有本难念的经, and believe me, I went through this same thing too, so I'm not trying to criticise you for the thought that you have.

Just to share a story that I read (think it was from some Sunday Times article):

The youngest son has 2 elder brothers. And at the age of 19, is considered the year of adulthood for the family.

As a family tradition, the mother would celebrate her children's birthday with mee sua and 1 hardboiled egg and a motorbike for her son. It happened to her eldest son's birthday. Same thing for her second son.

So, when it was the youngest son's turn, he was eagerly waiting to own his cool motorbike (cos like his brothers, he possessed a motorbike licence). But on his birthday, his mother merely celebrated that day with mee sua and 1 hardboiled egg. He was utterly disappointed that night but didn't show it to his parents. He 'hated' his parents for showing favouritism.

Many years later, this young man grew up and was already in his thirties and once, he casually brought up the motorbike issue and asked her why she didn't buy him a motorbike then (it was still a painful incident up till then). His mother casually replied:'That's because I had to use all my savings, which was suppose to be for your motorbike, for your full time degree studies. Your brothers weren't able to get into a university like you could. So I could no longer afford to buy you a bike.'

It dawned onto him very suddenly that x years ago, his mum did fork out a huge sum for his studies, and he didn't have to worry about financing any study loans. He had been too preoccupied with getting angry with his mum that he did not see what his mum had done for him over the past few years.

The shadow of hatred & pain eventually left him and he was full of :love: for his mother.

I, too, had been preoccupied with wondering if my parents favoured my brothers instead of me that I forgot to see how much they did. Until one day, my brother told me that my father loved me very much. And my mother balanced it out by loving my brothers more. I had tears in my eyes and a painful sore when I heard that.

So what if your parents need you to pay for this and that. Actually, it's a happy thing to be able to give. Usually deep down, parents know who (among their children) are the better-abilitied ones and they tend to support the weaker-abilitied (among their children). But it will always seem like the parents are showing favouritism. Some parents (esp the older generation) might not be able to communicate their love for their children, and they are frequently misunderstood.

If my parents did show my brothers favouritism, I was very thankful for that. Because of this fact, it made me very independent and I stood up on my own two feet very fast. I had to do all housechores and cook for the family in my teens (bec I was the only girl other than my mum) but my brothers did none of those. My brothers could play computer games, sleep at home while I scrub the toilet bowls. In the end, I actually benefited from it, because it gave me a very hardy personality and I'm not afraid of hardships. I fall down and stood up from failures easily. On the other hand, well... like I said 家家有本难念的经.

[winth]

游子吟 （孟郊）


慈母手中线，
游子身上衣。
临行密密缝，
意恐迟迟归。
谁言寸草心，
报得三春晖？

[Eagle-Ladybird]

. . . very touching sharings here (except the mandarin ones, cos I can't read them :stupid: )

[aprilsummer]

Hi Winth,


nice story. Do totally agreed with you that we should not compare. Guess you do not understand the context of my frustration. Its simple-minded to think that doing all housechores constitutes to favouritism. In a lot of asian countries, most of the housechores, if not all, are done by women. I have done all that and that won’t make me feel frustrated.

Wrt your nice story, my parents could totally afford my education at NTU. They, however believed that to educate a girl till that level is a waste of money. We had frequent quarrels during my A levels, my family believed I should start working and don’t "waste rice". The final blow was the fight with their eldest son, police were called. Many things happened, I moved out and supported myself. I paid for my degree course and took a big loan.

As for my "less able" brothers, they live in at least 5-rm or EC. They drive and take their families for overseas holidays. Their children have tutions. What make them less able to pay for my mom’s holiday?? Yes, I should be proud that I could afford to drive a Lexus when they are driving Honda and Toyota. However, does that mean I am so much better off that makes my brothers "less able"? It is naive to think that just becase one could afford, one should be happy to foot all the bill.

I have moved on and forgiven my parents. But, humans do not forget, unless they have dementia. I give them mthly allowance, take them for holidays, listen to their complaints. However, showing favouritism is my trigger point. It got me irritated.

I guess I just need a few weeks to cool off, before I call my mom again, and pay for that holiday.

Finally, don’t preach before you seek to understand the context. It is unwise and silly, it does not reflect well on one’s intellectual capacity.