桃花谈

[mummy of 2]

To continue with my story. I’m also like insider’s second sis marry young to escape the family. My parents did not get along too. Father quick-tempered and mother stubborn, must win all the time. When angry, bang here bang there, scold A indirectly by taking it out on B. Me being the youngest child used to get it a lot of times.


I was however very lucky to marry a good man. He has lots more 仁，智，勇 compared to me.

Besides of my own family background I was very conscious not to create the same unhappy environment for my kids but sad to say I do have some of the same flaws although it is to a lesser extent.

I see my dd is quite similar to me - insecure, temperamental and impatient. Am trying to correct myself so that I can help her.

Ds1 is more like his father and has good 人缘 so less worried about him.

My r/s with my mother is quite bad. Now I only see her every other month and no phone calls in between. I only see her because I need to give her allowance. I know it’s very bad of me but I really wasn’t motivated to do anything about this till I read this thread. It is indeed very timely for me. It’s going to be difficult but I’m going to try one small step at a time.

[work2wdhappiness]

hi fairy


Thank you for sharing the inspirational story about DIL MIL.

I was strictly brought up v sheltered and my mom was successful in molding us into obedient children. So as an adult, my style is to listen, avoid confrontation and try to please. I treated my MIL even better than my own mother. My mom I could "talk back" nicely and becos she loves me, she may compromise.

The diff w MIL is she is not my mother. After so many years, with maturity, I realised the wrong thing I did is marry her beloved son. I never talk back to her whenever she scolds me. The more I endured, the more frequent the scoldings, the worse the treatment. No matter how I do things, it is never correct even if I follow her way.

When I could not take it anymore, we had a very fierce quarrel after 15 years of endurance. Then I started standing up for what I feel is impt. I don’t sweat the small stuff. Guess what. She scolded me less becos I was no longer a pushover.

But insider posted this morning
"When dealing with old folks, I feel it’s not so important whether they are right or wrong. If things are of not life threatening nature, even if they are wrong we can also close one eye instead of trying to correct them…For example, not everything that my mum does is correct but I will just oblige to keep her happy coz making her happy (and not making myself happy) is my Guiding Principle whenever I come into contact with her. Nothing matter more than the Happiness of my mum - that’s my Guiding Principle that I will never lose sight of!)"

So while it is easy to do the Guiding Principle for my own mum, for my MIL it is hard. I worry the more I endure, the worser treatment I get. Just this CNY, her own daughters confided that mum is getting more unreasonable because everyone is spoiling her by "enduring" scoldings even when undeserved. But I want good karma for my kids so I will try to improve the relationship - baby steps. Maybe I am too reserved and serious. Let me try smiling, pleasant face first.

[Nihauma]

insider, u mentioned that giving money to parents is good. i gave money to parents ever since i worked but stop after i become sahm 2 yrs ago. both said i dont hv to give since i am not working. they are also working but earn not much. straightaway after that my father had cancer but he recovered. but his health is not as good anymore. he keeps lamenting that he has bitter life cause still need to work at his age. i feel so sad. i wish he can retire too. but if he retire he will have nothing to support himself as he has zero savings. notice i didnt mention i worry about my mom cause she has a lot a savings. their relationship is very bad so when i asked mom if she could help support dad so that he can retire she refused. so father needs to tahan till i can go back to work when baby is old enough. but my daughter is really attached to me and i dread the day when i have to put her to child care. she is so attached that no one can carry her except me and hubby anow at13 mth.

i am torn between taking care off my children or supporting my father. what should i do?

[Fairy]

insider:

What is a 桃花 (cherry blossom)?


桃花 has a wider meaning than the general interpretation. It refers to whether someone has ‘opposite gender attraction’ (异性缘), not restricted to only opposite gender that are involved in matters of the heart. Eg, a man well liked in the office by his female boss and colleagues or a woman well liked by her male boss and male colleagues = relatively strong 桃花运.

The number of 桃花 stars shinning directly on a person and the type of 桃花 has the following implications on that person.

For example, for those who are Horses next year will have many 桃花 appearing throughout the year.
For those who are singles, they have a high chance of meeting their 真名天子.

For those who are married, they may meet seduction from 小三 or they become 小三.
Other than that, Horses can meet opposite gender who are coming as 贵人 or 小人.

Bad 桃花 = 烂桃花 – can bring disasters (eg Michael Palmer, etc), can break hearts,

Insider,

The above predictions for those born in the year of the horse really got me worried...very worried. :sad:

[SAHM_TAN]

Nihauma:

insider, u mentioned that giving money to parents is good. i gave money to parents ever since i worked but stop after i become sahm 2 yrs ago. both said i dont hv to give since i am not working. they are also working but earn not much. straightaway after that my father had cancer but he recovered. but his health is not as good anymore. he keeps lamenting that he has bitter life cause still need to work at his age. i feel so sad. i wish he can retire too. but if he retire he will have nothing to support himself as he has zero savings. notice i didnt mention i worry about my mom cause she has a lot a savings. their relationship is very bad so when i asked mom if she could help support dad so that he can retire she refused. so father needs to tahan till i can go back to work when baby is old enough. but my daughter is really attached to me and i dread the day when i have to put her to child care. she is so attached that no one can carry her except me and hubby anow at13 mth.

i am torn between taking care off my children or supporting my father. what should i do?

Not advising about your dilemma. Just to share abt bb. She's my 3rd child. I'm the main caregiver since she was born. She's super attached to me. I sent her off to kindy this yr, she's a 2010 bb. 2 reasons why I \"pack\" her off to a 4 hrs kindy, 1, I really needed the rest and 2, I'm not in the state of mind to teach her.

For the 1st month it was really difficult, she cried and held on to me so tightly that the teachers could not pry her off me. Once in kindy, she will settle down, but I think it's also becos ds is there with her. Before she was due to attend the kindy, I will tell her she will be going to school soon. She will go with me when I send and pick dd1 to and from school, and ds too. I will always say, see jie jie / kor kor going to school liao, you will be going too next yr. First few times, she shook her head violently and said no no no. But after a while it was better. I would also said, jie jie / kor kor coming home liao. Although I kind of prepare her, it was still tough. After a month, it's much better, she is ok to say bye bye to me and walk calmly into the kindy. Though I still need to bring her to the kindy, while ds take the bus. When she's 3yos, I hope she will be able to take the school bus to kindy too.

My pt to all this rambling is that if you decide to go to work, your child will adapt too. Look for a good cc.

[insider]

Fengshui is true but this ‘Truth’ can be misleading, like Macbeth and the Witches…


Fengshui can be used to change the Qi of a place to help a person.

As I said before, we are embedded with positive and negative seeds in us. By using Fengshui, we are trying to use the Qi that Fengshui manages to change to activate the good seeds in us so that good things can happen. Hopefully by activating the good seeds (such as family will have lesser quarrels, get more $$$, etc), the family can be more peaceful and more bad seeds will not be sown. This is the positive part of REAL fengshui.

However, by doing so will not get rid of any of the inherent bad seeds already embedded in us.

We take a simple example of someone having the below embedded seeds in him – 10 good and 10 bad:

±±±±±±±±±±

With the help of a GOOD Fengshui Master (not 骗吃 type huh), someone may experience the sequence of events as below:

++++++++++ ----------

That person may feel life to be very smooth. Spouse and kids guai guai, career smooth, money comes easy. Please note that that person needs to have these original good seeds in order for the Qi of Fengshui to activate. If no such good seeds, then fengshui is not useful. So, basically, one is just using fengshui to ‘realise’ the ‘maturity’ of good seeds earlier.

But then if this someone does not go on to cultivate more good seeds, then the good seeds will slowly diminish. Or, if the Qi of fengshui is suddenly ‘broken’ due to whatsoever reasons, then the ‘suppressed’ negative seeds will start to show up in consecutive manner and this can be a very scary thing.

For example, someone may experience a very smooth life by using Fengshui, then for a certain period in his life, he suddenly loses his job, loses his child, goes into bankruptcy, enters into divorce, etc, at about the same time. Coz these things happen one by one, this person may not be able to take the blows one after another. If he is not strong, he may die.

Bad things happen now and then for good purposes. If they happen sporadically, it builds strength into us to face more and more challenges coming ahead of everyone of us. If one’s life has always been smooth is not actually a good thing over the long run. Bad things actually let us appreciate good things more instead of having the tendency of taking things for granted…(阴 vs 阳 concept that these two are always relative and balanced).

So in summary, Fengshui activates good seeds but do nothing to the bad seeds. These bad seeds can only delay their maturity time but they will mature sooner or later if the carrier doesn’t want to do anything kind to counter the effects of these bad seeds when they mature……

So, it’s still must do good deeds to cultivate good seeds coz of really you reap what you sow. …

PS:
I am not against Fengshui per se. I use little items in my office to create money Qi. However, I will not go for full scale fengshui in my house coz I know I can create the Qi myself and to engage other family members to create the Qi to activate our own good seeds naturally. I welcome problems for everyone in my house – coz that builds strength while getting rid of some negative seeds at the same time. Therefore, my strong belief of nothing can kill me. If problems want to come, come lor. See one, solve one…

For those who are using small little things to change the Qi of a house (such as using 文昌塔）, those are OK. Just don’t attempt to change too much. There’s really nothing better than Nature and we know how powerful Nature is…

Always 可信不可迷…

PS2 as add on:

I go back to my Money Bowl Theory that each of us comes to this world with a Bowl Size more or less fixed (changable by the good and bad things we continue to do).

For example (very simple one), someone’s Money Bowl needs to go through the below cycle:

—+++±+±+++++± = net 7 pluses in life

By using Fengshui, one maybe able to activate all the money to come in first:

++++++++++++ ----- = net 7 pluses in life

So this person will have the following probable 下场：

1. got money when young but poor when old.

2. got money throughout his life but all his negatives he has to bring to his next life (or leave to his offsprings to settle).

So, you still can hope to get Money by using small fengshui items but should never go into 强求 extent with a massive 风水阵…

[Brenda10]

Hi Insider,


Thank you for sharing all these interesting topics.

Just like to share with you I was told by a 师父that which 生肖 are my 贵人 as well as my 债主 10 years ago. I recall back and would say all these seem quite accurate and the most unfortunate year that I came across in fact is that particular 生肖 year.

The blessing is that my 债主 is only one out of twelve!

[kylene]

Hi Insider,

Thank you for taking time to share your knowledge .

My Qn is regarding my 4.5 yr old DS. From young, we’ve practised "attachment parenting". Rarely scolding him. Instead we talk to and remind him gently. However as he grew older, he (naturally) started talking back and having a mind of his own.

How do you discipline kids without nagging or scolding? I’m not even a tiger mom, my requirements are simple - sitting down to eat his meals, getting him into the bath for eg.

Thanks !

[insider]

Nihauma:

insider, u mentioned that giving money to parents is good. i gave money to parents ever since i worked but stop after i become sahm 2 yrs ago. both said i dont hv to give since i am not working. they are also working but earn not much. straightaway after that my father had cancer but he recovered. but his health is not as good anymore. he keeps lamenting that he has bitter life cause still need to work at his age. i feel so sad. i wish he can retire too. but if he retire he will have nothing to support himself as he has zero savings. notice i didnt mention i worry about my mom cause she has a lot a savings. their relationship is very bad so when i asked mom if she could help support dad so that he can retire she refused. so father needs to tahan till i can go back to work when baby is old enough. but my daughter is really attached to me and i dread the day when i have to put her to child care. she is so attached that no one can carry her except me and hubby anow at13 mth.

i am torn between taking care off my children or supporting my father. what should i do?

Hi Nihauma

1. Children should give to their parents money that they can afford. If really cant, then it's ok and try to make it up by other non monetary terms such as care and concern whenever possible. It's never the amount that counts actually, it's the 心意 / thought that matters. I giving my mum a few times of what my eldest sis is giving a month doesn't make me a better daughter than her. We are giving within our means (not really according to my mum's needs either. Whatever we can give our mum would never make up for her efforts in bringing us up.)

2. If your dad really needs your financial support, then you may have to think of means to squeeze out money from your daily expense to give it to him. Discuss with your husband. If your husband still can't afford, then have to wait til the day when you can return work.

3. When your child is ready for childcare at probably 18 months, then follow what SAHM_Tan's suggestion to just her in and you go make a living. Go read more about Separation Anxiety of kiddos.


4. Taking care of only own family is not a good reason to foresake our parent/s who brought us up. Kids are stronger than what we think they are coz most of the time we are weak ones that pass our weaknesses to them. So, you may want to start training your child to be less dependent on you.

5. It is no good to be in guilt coz those are real bad seeds. If you want to continue taking care of your daughter and leave your dad alone, then you have to do it WITHOUT guilt. Else have to change the situation to rid yourself from guilt.

Stop feeling being so torn. The way to get out is not as difficult as what you imagine it to be. Speak to your husband to see whether can the family work out a balanced budget for everyone...

[insider]

kylene:

Hi Insider,

Thank you for taking time to share your knowledge .

My Qn is regarding my 4.5 yr old DS. From young, we've practised \"attachment parenting\". Rarely scolding him. Instead we talk to and remind him gently. However as he grew older, he (naturally) started talking back and having a mind of his own.

How do you discipline kids without nagging or scolding? I'm not even a tiger mom, my requirements are simple - sitting down to eat his meals, getting him into the bath for eg.

Thanks !

Hi kylene

\"Do not nag or scold\" does not equate no discipline.

Kids thrive well within well defined discipline framework and we have to correct them if they stay out of line while we definitely have to stay within line that we drew (role modelling).

Firmness is required when kids misbehave. Never let them get away with misbehaviours else that constitutes Spoiling...