桃花谈
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Hi Insider,
Thank you for taking time to share your knowledge .
My Qn is regarding my 4.5 yr old DS. From young, we’ve practised "attachment parenting". Rarely scolding him. Instead we talk to and remind him gently. However as he grew older, he (naturally) started talking back and having a mind of his own.
How do you discipline kids without nagging or scolding? I’m not even a tiger mom, my requirements are simple - sitting down to eat his meals, getting him into the bath for eg.
Thanks ! -
Nihauma:
Hi Nihaumainsider, u mentioned that giving money to parents is good. i gave money to parents ever since i worked but stop after i become sahm 2 yrs ago. both said i dont hv to give since i am not working. they are also working but earn not much. straightaway after that my father had cancer but he recovered. but his health is not as good anymore. he keeps lamenting that he has bitter life cause still need to work at his age. i feel so sad. i wish he can retire too. but if he retire he will have nothing to support himself as he has zero savings. notice i didnt mention i worry about my mom cause she has a lot a savings. their relationship is very bad so when i asked mom if she could help support dad so that he can retire she refused. so father needs to tahan till i can go back to work when baby is old enough. but my daughter is really attached to me and i dread the day when i have to put her to child care. she is so attached that no one can carry her except me and hubby anow at13 mth.
i am torn between taking care off my children or supporting my father. what should i do?
1. Children should give to their parents money that they can afford. If really cant, then it's ok and try to make it up by other non monetary terms such as care and concern whenever possible. It's never the amount that counts actually, it's the 心意 / thought that matters. I giving my mum a few times of what my eldest sis is giving a month doesn't make me a better daughter than her. We are giving within our means (not really according to my mum's needs either. Whatever we can give our mum would never make up for her efforts in bringing us up.)
2. If your dad really needs your financial support, then you may have to think of means to squeeze out money from your daily expense to give it to him. Discuss with your husband. If your husband still can't afford, then have to wait til the day when you can return work.
3. When your child is ready for childcare at probably 18 months, then follow what SAHM_Tan's suggestion to just her in and you go make a living. Go read more about Separation Anxiety of kiddos.
4. Taking care of only own family is not a good reason to foresake our parent/s who brought us up. Kids are stronger than what we think they are coz most of the time we are weak ones that pass our weaknesses to them. So, you may want to start training your child to be less dependent on you.
5. It is no good to be in guilt coz those are real bad seeds. If you want to continue taking care of your daughter and leave your dad alone, then you have to do it WITHOUT guilt. Else have to change the situation to rid yourself from guilt.
Stop feeling being so torn. The way to get out is not as difficult as what you imagine it to be. Speak to your husband to see whether can the family work out a balanced budget for everyone... -
kylene:
Hi kyleneHi Insider,
Thank you for taking time to share your knowledge .
My Qn is regarding my 4.5 yr old DS. From young, we've practised \"attachment parenting\". Rarely scolding him. Instead we talk to and remind him gently. However as he grew older, he (naturally) started talking back and having a mind of his own.
How do you discipline kids without nagging or scolding? I'm not even a tiger mom, my requirements are simple - sitting down to eat his meals, getting him into the bath for eg.
Thanks !
\"Do not nag or scold\" does not equate no discipline.
Kids thrive well within well defined discipline framework and we have to correct them if they stay out of line while we definitely have to stay within line that we drew (role modelling).
Firmness is required when kids misbehave. Never let them get away with misbehaviours else that constitutes Spoiling... -
Easy to read books. Will not give any summary coz different people may get different lessons and so I don’t want to do the unnecessary ‘imprint’.
雪中足迹 - 作者：圣严法师 著
父母恩重难报经 - 作者：释证严 讲述
仿佛居士说慧能禅 (this book is interesting like a storybook)
了凡四训：净空法师讲
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Bite Size Lessons (kind of like Daily Bread) . Effective only when you want to practice bite size lessons else most will read for the sake of reading only…
– series of books by 圣严法师 （自在：不老的快活人生、不操心：心安即是家园、etc）
- series of books by 星云大师 （宽容、舍得、包容的智慧、etc）
Personally I prefer 圣严法师 than星云大师. Basically, teaching has been very ‘diluted’ nowadays, perhaps to make it more suitable for the people who are getting ‘shallower’ and ‘shallower’. It’s not a choice I believe coz Buddhism has a very high ‘Step Up’ requirement coz of it’s abstract concept and therefore makes it so difficult to step in to know more…
More difficult 经书 I will not recommend here (per book I perhaps will take 6 months to finish). These books can only read if your ‘base’ is good enough, meaning when your ‘heart’ is big enough, else may not be able to understand. Perhaps a simple enough one will be 仿佛居士说《坛经》.
My latest reading is going back to 四书五经, after reading 了凡四训 where it says we have to go back to the basics of being a Good Human before we can even know about how to be closer to God. 四书五经 - about how to be a Good Human. Reading those thick books very slowly but surely can finish…
PS:
I am a Buddhist who eats beef and seldom goes temple. I feel the temple is in my heart and I read and learn through reflecting the lessons that are radiating around me. When my mum passes on and my kids are independent enough, my wish is to follow a good master and be a nun. I am looking at donating 50% of my assets to one of my ex schools when I pass on…
Meanwhile, I enjoy life! -
thank you SAHM TAN and Insider.
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How to carry on when everything seems to be against your favour and you have no one to turn to and 叫天不应 . It is very difficult to carry on when the valley seems bottomless. Just when one thinks the worst is over, worser events unfold.
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kittybank:
How to carry on when everything seems to be against your favour and you have no one to turn to and 叫天不应 . It is very difficult to carry on when the valley seems bottomless. Just when one thinks the worst is over, worser events unfold.
I believe you are directing your question to insider. Not trying to answer on her behalf but just to share my thoughts on this.
My mum always say 靠山，山倒。靠人，人跑。靠自己最好。 when you accept that there is no one with you, you stop expecting/ hoping for help to come to you. This will be a turning point of some sort. Whatever help, if any, you receive will become an unexpected bonus because you hv stopped expecting the, to come your way. When you receive help, you will suddenly feel more positive.
When the going gets tough, it's the tough who gets going. Look around you. Surely there will be people who are worse off? I have one friend who pays for everything at home. She complains about it but send her son to 10 enrichment classes. She says she doesnt have savings. I pointed out to her that she is much better off than many for there are couples whose household income = her pay. And these folks have more Children than her.
It's always the darkest before the first ray of light. To get to the light, you need to continue the journey. If you just stay on the ground, then you just prolong the darkness. So long as you keep moving, you will walk out of the dark tunnel.
Open your mind and look around. Tell yourself that you can't be the worst. There must be some kind of lighthouse in your life. For me, my son and mum are my lighthouse.
I am not sure what problem you are facing but try to tackle one at a time and not burning yourself up at both ends. Always remember that you are the most impt person around who can protect what/who you value the most. I always tell myself that there will always be people who are worse off than me and that I won't die becos of this/that. One of the perks of being a mum, to me, is I just can't die. There is always something awaiting for me to do, so I can never die yet. And since I can't die yet, might as well fight on!
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insider:
Thanks Insider.kylene:
Hi kylene
\"Do not nag or scold\" does not equate no discipline.
Kids thrive well within well defined discipline framework and we have to correct them if they stay out of line while we definitely have to stay within line that we drew (role modelling).
Firmness is required when kids misbehave. Never let them get away with misbehaviours else that constitutes Spoiling...
My relationship with inlaws is currently cordial. However I do feel envious of them cos my son prefers to play with them compared to me and my DH. I'm actually the main caregiver as I work part time, DS is in half day childcare.
He is always asking to go to my inlaws' house . I asked him why and he says because he doesn't have to feed himself, doesn't have to do any work there and no one scolds him. Just play and play . Hearing him say that made me very sad- that I have to be the \"bad\" person so that he turns out (hopefully) good ! I often feel that I'm such a failure at parenting .
Where can I find the books that u mentioned ? I really hope to be a better person. -
Kylene,
You can consider ‘natural consequence’ for discipline. (can google) As a very general example for eating, ‘if u move from the table, the food will move away (into the sink)’. This works for some kids, but I know my children will get terribly offended and get the wrong message. Instead for them, I just tell them nicely that I will be washing the plate at x time. If they are not done by then (cleared plates in sink) they have to clean up whatever is left themselves.
On being the ‘bad guy’, I have reflected upon this before and read sharings by older parents. One sharing was by a father who wondered why his ‘good’ son preferred to spend his time with people he (the father) considered as semi- delinquents etc after all the time they had put into bringing him up and instilling the right values. He asked his son and the son said those people like him just as he is. The father realized that he had spent so much time trying to ‘mold’ the son, he did not spend time just
appreciating the son for who he is.
That was a very enlightening insight to me, though it seems so obvious. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to correct our children and instil the right values and habits in them, they start to think that we really don’t like them. Of course there is no need to go to the other extremes (like some grandparents), but maybe just check your parenting "balance sheet". Reading insider’s sharings has helped me refined some of my "techniques" for talking to my children, her idea of "pacing them down" was very helpful, and looking at the child’s original temperament has also given me more confidence in finding the right balance. -
kittybank:
How to carry on when everything seems to be against your favour and you have no one to turn to and 叫天不应 . It is very difficult to carry on when the valley seems bottomless. Just when one thinks the worst is over, worser events unfold.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
You are not alone
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