Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[Busymom]

From what I have heard before, if the husband is the one who has strayed or committed adultery, it would not be easy for him to fight for the custody of his children with you. Generally speaking, the Singapore system is one that favours women more. My advice is you should speak to a good lawyer and work out your options, including what you may get from the home that you are currently staying in. Even if you have not contributed financially to the house, the court will take into consideration the non-financial contributions that you have made, and that include the time that you spent to bring up your kids, do housework, etc.


From a personal experience from someone close, I strongly recommend getting a good lawyer, even if it costs more. Can make a lot of difference to the outcome of the divorce, if you are comtemplating one.

Lastly, I believe kids would be happier/more settled if their parents are as well. If the marriage is bringing you so much pain, your kids would not be happy too (unless you are a really good actress…). Again, from a personal experience, I could tell you honestly that kids do not or would not mind if their parents are divorced. Sometimes, to witness all the quarrels and fights can be more scary for the kids. You should also ask yourself if your husband has played his role as a father to the kids. And I don’t mean just the financial aspects.

Wish you very best in your decision.

[winth]

windy:

My husnabd go drinking everynight from Mon to Sun and only come home 5am or 6am, he will go straight from his office, lock his phone with password, MSN to girl in chinese, chg his bank account, chg his dressing and go for expensive haircut, had ONS with vietnam girl when he was in vietnam last year, visit china pro in KTV, found eye lasher in his front car seat (he said belong to KTV pro), not interested in intimacy with me and not interested to go out with the family. But he still pay monthly maintainance, go market with me, buy me dinner on Sat at coffee shop, pay tution fees and said he love me. After I realised the changed since last Sept, I need to take sleeping pill everynight till today and will wake up at interval of 3am, 4am, 6am to check if he is back or gave him a call, but he still will not come home. I had 2 children, 7 and 9, I m early 40 with a job, should I divorce?

Hi windy, you already have enough tell-tale signs over here that he is definitely having some sorta flings outside, whether there are feelings attached with the women or not.

If you like to know, I think there is a 90% chance that there is some sexual relationships going on already. So hiring a PI will not waste your time or money if you are contemplating a divorce or a full clamp down on your husband and his affairs. A revelation might or might not save your marriage. But this revelation will definitely end your misery.

What you want now is to have justice done to you, not continue suffering in this endless torture and agony.

Please read this to be informed: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
The least you could do now is to gather information before making any rational decisions. It is important to stay collected and deal with this relationship logically.

If you read the above site, you will understand that the idea of coming out clean with your husband's flings/affairs is not to end a marriage. It is actually to end this affair and move on and, whether you do decide to stay married to this man or not is your own personal choice. But now we need to work towards this choice first. What I see now, your husband is asking you to keep all his dirty affairs underground, close both eyes to all his little fantasies.

Many would advice that you first gather evidence, secure your finances (joint account, credit card so that the wayward spouse DO NOT continue to spend on the expense of the family), understand your options - being informed here is very important.

Understand that your husband pays for certain expenses - household, marketing, tuition fees. If you ask me, you should keep your PI investigations hush-hush (no break down even when you get these evidence), keep as much $ away from your husband first, secure those allowances he contribute (say need to pay tuition 3 months in advance, marketing allowance gone up etc).

I have read through so many books and sites and the betrayed spouses who won and saved their own marriages when infidelity occurs are those who are logical and confident enough to challenge their wayward spouses.

This I think insider has proven to us that she has successfully saved her own marriage. IMPT: Revealing and giving your husband 'show-downs' is not the end of your marriage. You are telling your husband here that it is time for hime to wake up from his little fantasies and start facing the realities of your marriage. That is if he is still keen to keep this marriage, if not, you should end your suffering here but ending this marriage.

We are not marriage counsellors or professional lawyers, and what forummers here could give are our support and advices from some of our personal experiences. The actions can only come from you. You will suffer an emotional breakdown if you don't leapt into action. There is also a risk that your husband is spending so much money on his entertainment outside that he will no longer be able to provide for you. And when that day comes, you need to clean up this mess too. So either way, it's a lose-lose. Decide what you need to do first, things will only go worse, almost never better. I have seen it in other people's marriages, light does not appear at the end of the tunnel by 看着办 or 走一步算一步. It happens only to those who brave through darkness to seek for the light.

[3Boys]

It is really sad to see the men who so loved their women, enough to marry and commit to a lifetime relationship, and have children with, start to stray and get into really destructive behaviours.


windy, in your case, it seems really extreme that your hubby can disrespect you so much, so as to continue his dalliances right under your nose.

I have to say, I agree that one way or another you have to make a stand. As winth has mentioned, it may not be so binary as to consider a divorce or not, but certainly you have to get him to end his behaviours. Get good legal advice, in this situation, the law is on your side, and that should be your leverage with him.

Good luck!

[winth]

Hi windy,


Sorry to say this. But I think I have missed out a very important pointer - was suffering from monday blues.

Errm… as there is no details here as to when was the last intimacy act between you and your husband and when the flings/affairs started.

Please do go for a blood test first, make sure you are tested negative for any sexually transmitted diseases. There are many types of STDs around with vaccines and cures for it, so long as those are not into terminal or advanced stages.

[BumGum]

Hi Windy..

sorry to hear about what you are facing right now..
getting a PI will cost a bomb..plus.. what u \"see\" could actually hurt u more. Knowing & \"seeing\".. the level of hurt is differ
Be strong.

[Windy]

I saluted to insider who can forgive and survive her marraige. I wonder how she did it, very super. Maybe I am not dominant enough. Everybody said that I must get hold of the financial string, but before I can do anythings, he already change all his account and kept it secret, I don't even know how much he has in his saving account and he will turn his face if I ask him anything about his money and will end up with quarrel. Now, there is nothing I can do but to get a PI first. Any good recommendation? I though only marry need alot of preparation, now I realised divorce also need alot of preparation. :roll:

[buds]

3Boys:

It is really sad to see the men who so loved their women, enough to marry and commit to a lifetime relationship, and have children with, start to stray and get into really destructive behaviours.

And the hurt stays.

[winth]

Windy:

I though only marry need alot of preparation, now I realised divorce also need alot of preparation. :roll:

Stay strong.
Your man's really an old-timer. He seems to already know what to keep 'secret' when he strays.
Remember don't blow your cover until you have consulted the professionals on your marriage.

[winth]

buds:

And the hurt stays.

There was once I caught DH viewing porn, wa... I kicked such a big fuss, confronted him the very next day and told him how much hurt and how much an insult it was to me.
He told me that he only viewed it on 2 occasions but no such thing lor. Porn is addictive.
Has been couple of years liao and he has never viewed it. How I know, hee... I installed a keylogger.

Now he's into computer games, so I thought it was a slightly better choice than those.

[mintcc]

Windy:

I was very touch to get all the advise and encouragement, as my hb ask me not to discuss this topic to any friends or relatives so I do not know who can I seek advise. Sould I get a PI as he said he definitely not having an affair, he said he just want to drink and chat with his kaki till 5am. If no affair, PI no use right. It cost alot too. I had a confession note for his act of adultery written and sign by him last year, is this enough?

I think it is not a matter of whether you are dominant enough...at least you are financially independent. If you really want a divorce, I think the things he had done are more then enough to divorce base on grounds of unreasonable behavior..but do talk to a lawyer first. I think there is a time limit unless you took some action.

And I don't think your husband has the right to ask you not to discuss this topic with friends and relatives. Whether to do so is your perogative. In the mean time, take care.