Club Only Child Club

[schellen]

raynreg:

Hi everyone, a contrarian here reading these posts as to how parents justify their single child family. What about fellow members who has more than one child. What's the reasons, or your thought process, to have another :? .


Please, I'm not going to start a war with one verus more than one but would like to hear from those who decides to have a bigger family.

Cheers

Have you seen the other thread on having a 3rd child? I think some of the opinions you are looking for should be found there. Here's the link: http://www.kiasuparents.com/kiasu/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1362

[Funz]

sashimi:

I have long told myself that, [I should have a 2nd child so that the 1st child is not lonely] is an invalid reason for having a 2nd child. You should have another for the sake of the 2nd child, not because you need to satisfy the whims of the 1st. (Even if it is in fact, not an insignificant whim), or the whims of relatives.

So agree with this.

I get very irritated with pple who say that they had a 2nd child becos they want a playmate for the older one. Maybe cos I am 2nd borne and I still suffer from middle child syndrome.

Have a 2nd or 3rd kid because you want to and not for all the funny reasons like wanting a playmate for the 1st borne or because of pressures, etc.

As for pressure that an only child will face when the parents are old, it is not so much financial that I would consider as most of us will try to plan to be financially self sufficient. But the stress I am looking at is more emotional as there are no siblings to share worries and grieve together with when the time comes for us to leave them. Yes we can say that they will have friends and spouse but I sincerely think the level of support will not be the same.

[tankee]

watmekiasu:

1) Pressure from relatives especially at festive seasons. Queries come in on how come we only have one kid.

Ignore their remarks.

2) Feelings of inferiority on why we couldn't 'complete' the family and have no 2?
I've never felt inferior as 1 child and parents constitute a complete family to me.

:celebrate: agreed with you !

[kuzco]

Tinkerbell - your post literally took the words right out of my mouth.


I had DS in my mid-30s. Struggled during the initial years to bring him up cos DH work was at that time not stable. Changed jobs quite a few times because of work problems and eventually got retrenched. IL and parents also not staying close by.

To me, having just one does make a complete family. I am happy that I have my DS. He did asked why he has no siblings. I simply told him that if he had, then I would not be able to devote 100% of my time to him and that he would have to share whatever things he had.

Whenever we go out, it is usually me and DS as DH works long hours. We do not have a maid, so housework, etc is done by me after I get back from work. It is tiring.

Years ago, people used to ask why I did not have a second one. I would usually answer, \"Can. You want to look after for me, izzit???\" That simply shut them up.

[Eagle-Ladybird]

A young man in his prime has been "harrassed" by his elderly relatives for the longest time, from "when are you gonna get a grilfriend?"; "when are you gonna get married?" to "when are you gonna start a family?".


So in one of the family get-togethers, he was again being pooked in the ribs and asked "Young man, when are you gonna start having babies?", by one of the elderly auntie. At this stage he was ticked. And here he goes :

"I dunow. You probably won’t live to see it. By the way, when are you gonna die?". All the aunties stormed off, and never again was he asked these questions

[daisyt]

Eagle-Ladybird:

A young man in his prime has been \"harrassed\" by his elderly relatives for the longest time, from \"when are you gonna get a grilfriend?\"; \"when are you gonna get married?\" to \"when are you gonna start a family?\".


So in one of the family get-togethers, he was again being pooked in the ribs and asked \"Young man, when are you gonna start having babies?\", by one of the elderly auntie. At this stage he was ticked. And here he goes :

\"I dunow. You probably won't live to see it. By the way, when are you gonna die?\". All the aunties stormed off, and never again was he asked these questions

hahaha ... don't tell me that young man is you :lol:

[qms]

Hi kaitlynangelica!


I have a boy and a girl, the girl being the younger one.

kaitlynangelica:

3) Child constantly asking for sibling.

This doesn't happen only to the only child. My girl has been asking for one, too! She even offers to help me look after the younger sibling, if any. Her classmates have younger siblings, so she wants to have, too.

kaitlynangelica:

4) Child very clingey because there is no one else to entertain her.

My daughter also very clingey, especially to her father, whenever she wants something. I guess this trait is very typical of children. It's a matter of degree.

kaitlynangelica:

6) Child rather selfish as she has no one else to share with.

My husband's niece is the only child. She used to be selfish. Previously, when she saw my daughter wearing her old clothes, she would become unhappy. Now, she's in P3. She is no longer what she used to be. In fact, as my children are younger than her, she often plays with them, and really behaves like a big sister to my children (maybe that's why my daughter wants to have a younger sibling - someone for her to boss around? ). Hence, I think it's the type of values the parents inculcate in the child that is more important, rather than whether the child is the only child at home.

All humans are selfish, in one way or another. It doesn't happen only to the only child. My son has been taught to share with his sister. He's alright for things that he's not so crazy over. But when it comes to things that he likes very much, he often asks why he should share with his sister. The other day, he wanted to finish all the bananas. I asked him what about his sister if he were to finish everything. Well, he said the sister need not eat. :!:

[winth]

kaithlyangelica:

1) Pressure from relatives especially at festive seasons. Queries come in on how come we only have one kid.

2) Feelings of inferiority on why we couldn't 'complete' the family and have no 2?
3) Child constantly asking for sibling.
4) Child very clingey because there is no one else to entertain her.
5) Child less socially apt as she has no one else to interact with.
6) Child rather selfish as she has no one else to share with.

My boys are 4 years apart and the age gap has been planned for. We are vey lucky that we could get to plan our children's age gap and have it fulfilled as per scheduled.

1) During the 4 years, I was always ridiculed for not having a 2nd one, esp came from my hubby's side. I'm constantly compared to bec I have a cousin-in-law who gave birth to her first the same year as me, and one year later, preggy with her 2nd. And our MILs love to compare among themselves. I didn't have it easy from my in-laws too. But well, there's really no need to go explain yourself the why and what and when, just smile, end of obligation, leave the place - dun spoil your own mood.

2) Those 4 years, it does feel kinda 'empty', when my child got bullied in the playground, occupying only 3 seats in macdonalds when it's meant to be utilised for 4 etc. These feelings are in you cos you are still planning (unlike parents here who know that they will have one and only one). It's a psychological barrier here cos #2 didn't quite come as per planned. Should god decide that you have one, treasure it and stop feeling 'empty' about it. 1 might not be such a bad thing afterall, you never know how life is planned for you. My gf's #2's age gap is 8/9 years from her #1. She was in the midst of giving up when I heard that she was preggy! She just gave birth to #3 when her #2 turned 3. Got another friend, tried for many years but no children so went for 人工受孕, gave birth to quadraplets. 3 months later, pregnant with another. Husband just filed for divorce with her.

4& 6) Same point as qms! Having more children won't really make them more sharing and less clingy. It's quite a stereotype for single child.

[kaitlynangelica]

carin004:

Hi,


I have only one 8 yo gal. I am 36 and DH 38. I grew up in a big family (there are 5 of us), so naturally I wanted to have more than 1 kid. But DH think otherwise.

Whenever relatives ask, I will tell them \"soon\" and soon they give up asking.

2)At first I still try to persuade DH to change his mind and gave him 2 years to reconsider.... Since I thoroughly enjoyed my pregnancy, I do not mind having another BB. In the end, due to work stress and not able to get helpers, we finally decided to stop at one, and never regretted it.

3) Every time DD ask for siblings, I tell her that she has many cousins whom we meet every weekend. And she eventually accepted it.

4) When DD was younger, she was very clingy... as she is bigger, she is less clingy. In fact she enjoys doing things with me. Sometimes she is bored playing on her own, she will ask me to let her do some household chores like folding clothes, vacuum or even mop the floor. She even know how to cook instant noodles for me (once) when I am back late from work and hadn't had dinner yet (using induction cooker, no fire).

5) We send my DD to childcare at 18mths, cos we are afraid that she will lose out on interacting with other kids. And its a wise decision made as she is extremely sociable, even with strangers (or maybe its her nature to be sociable)

6) We have been teaching our DD to share, even with her cousins. We will ask her to share with us her fav food or toy. In fact whenever she has something nice to eat, she will save at least 1 of it for her daddy who is not back from work. In fact I observed that DD is more willing to share compared to her cousins who have siblings.

A few years ago, a friend whose only son (16 yo) once told her that he hoped he had sibling whom he can talk to (esp when both parents are not at home). That set me rethink our decision. In the end, we are still with only 1 kid.

Hi Carin004,

Baby dust to you. Sometimes we just can't plan or what we plan just doesn't go our way.

[kaitlynangelica]

ks2me:

Hi, here's my 2 cents worth...it is a mindset change you need to have first.


1) Pressure from relatives especially at festive seasons. Queries come in on how come we only have one kid.
I do not feel the pressure because having more children does not mean less pressure too. People will continue to query other things, like how come your kids not doing this and that. So treat these as small talk topics, people have limited topics for conversation. If you think this way, it will not affect you. Personally I don't only get this at festive seasons, I get it ALMOST every day! :lol: Because every time they see my kid, they cannot help asking me why I do not have more. I am still very delighted to answer this question gazillion times because it is our happy choice that we decide to stay at 1 and the simple reason is, conceiving, carrying the pregnancy are all the easy stuff, the challenge is how to bring them up WELL in a much more complex world today. Most people will back off after that cos they don't have a good answer either.. :politebleah: This is not to say that we do not love to have kids, we do but the world has changed dramatically.

2) Feelings of inferiority on why we couldn't 'complete' the family and have no 2?
If it is by choice, there is no inferiority feelings. My definition of a 'complete' family is a HAPPY one, not in numbers.

3) Child constantly asking for sibling.
Children also go through phases, at one stage, they demand, then they request and slowly they accept that this is probably the best arrangement ever!! :lol:

4) Child very clingey because there is no one else to entertain her.
Again a phase, instead of having it as perennial clingey, turn it into a strong bonding. Once they go to primary school, with a busload of friends, the clingeyness should diminish but the strong bond remains.

5) Child less socially apt as she has no one else to interact with.
Undoubtedly, parents have to spend more effort to create such interaction opportunities and hopefully this will be further improved when in school. My child is sociable and well-accepted in school. In fact, she has a few friends who want to share her as their best friend. I told her all are friends, no need best friend to go exclusive.

6) Child rather selfish as she has no one else to share with.
Even though only child is more prone to this, but I have noticed those with siblings can also behave like this and even more fiercely. So it boils down to parental guidance to correct the behaviour. We should encourage our child to also SHARE with us. Sharing is not limited to age group, i.e. only with her peers.

This seems to affect dd as well as she gets upset whenever she hears of her friends who have new siblings in the family.
Hmmm.....you first need to determine why she is upset by probing to the root. At the root, then you can guide her why she is no less than her friends. If you ask me, this may just be a comparison issue more than a lonely issue. If a child feels secured about many things, this should not affect them unduly.

Lastly, just to add another consideration. Having children is a major responsibility. If I am getting older and hence a shorter time for my younger kid, I think it is irresponsible of me to bring this kid to the world and to have little time with parents and leave to fend for herself/himself under some care-giver just by satisfying the above conditions you have raised. We also have to spare a thought for the unborn child who is also our child.

I hope by reading this, you feel lighter and happier with your choice. But if you still want baby-dust...

Hi ks2me,

Thanks for your long long reply.Yes I agree. It's a minset which I have to change. We started off wanting to have only one and along the way, mindset took a 360 degree change. Well man proposes but God disposes.

I have been doing many things to try and take my mind of this like signing up for courses and marathons.