Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[lifestylelink]

This is so frustrating. No warning sign, and just drop the bomb. Honestly if I were you, no matter how painful it might be, don’t beg him. If he has been more considerate, he would have at least given you a 2nd chance before dropping the bomb. :x Once the bomb is dropped, the damage is done.


Be strong. You have our support. Woman nowadays don’t need to depend on man for a living. I hope you are not a SAHM.

I am the stubborn type. If my once beloved ever do this to me, I show prove to him that life without him will be better and even more colourful than before. MAKE him regret for life.

[buds]

Mamamal, my heart's with you dear.. :hugs:


There is no way anyone can reali understand
what you're going through unless they have
gone through the exactly same thing.. I can
understand how lousy and at a bottomless
pit kinda feeling you feel. That part, i've
been there and gotten myself back up.

To be told that we (the women) are at fault 4
not being able to attend to their needs is truly
a whammer.. it will take time to rise up from
this. Take care of yourself... your health and
your emotional well being.. This will help you
work better with your child. When you're
feeling good, the positive vibes will rub off on
your child.. The other is to also make effort to
look good so you can feel good.. If we always
see a run-down... tired... haggard... or messy
looking \"us\" in the mirror... it will indirectly
make us feel less of ourselves in times like this.

If he was keen to work on the marriage there
wud be many avenues to seek help.. But well...

Niwae, the \"true\" problem of the intimacy issue
cud jolly well be his problem much to his denial,
hence pointing those fingers at you... we'll never
noe will we?

Like other forummers mentioned, a million and 1
excuses can come up when there's this change of
heart... There must've been a million & 1 things tt
brought you guys together too!! So, if you do love
yer husband despite what happened, look back on
the great stuff you've gone through 2gether.. so it
will not bring you down too much, with your mind
always re-running... playing back to the episode
on that day he said u cudn't satisfy him..

Human nature has it that it is always easy to
remember one bad thing that happened, instead of
the many great things that that person did right... It
is easily overlooked due to the point where whatever
you are undergoing is simply too overwhelming.. a
feeling of disappointment and frustration.

Reading back some points in your posts show that
your hb is a caring fella and a seemingly good father
to your child. Am thinking he may not have other vices
horrible enough for you to hate him..

Though it is hard to swallow that we as wives crushed..
by our own complacent thoughts... it had been a happy
marriage for us and not for him, the more you go back
to the scene in your mind over and over again, the less
opportunities it will pave for you to rise back a more
confident and beautiful woman - inside & outside.

I do hafta add this...
Complacent as we may be... it is due to the simple aspect
that we (women) are really easy to please.. we are happy
and can be happy with the simple things in life.. Men are
too dense to understand this sometimes. :roll:

I sincerely from the bottom of my heart wish you to know
that i will be thinking of you and praying for you... and that
no matter what you do from now on, know that you are in
my thoughts. Do know that we (women) are stronger than
what we credit ourselves for..

All my love.. :love:

[Mamamal]

Dear mummies


Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words. It’s so comforting to have and feel the support given even though we don’t know one another. Glad that i shared and feel so much better now.

I totally agree with Insider that we women should not just neglect ourselves. That reminds me of one of my neighbours who is in her seventies and always has the sad look on her face. I got to know that she has sacrificed a lot for the family by taking care of many grandchildren while her husband just goes fooling around in nearby coffee shops, even going on holiday by himself while leaving the household to the poor old lady. How many of the old couples we see nowadays spend time together? But i really do envy those who still lovingly hold hands together.

[Windy]

Mamamal, be strong. My situation is worst. If u have read about my case in Aug, last Wed the PRC came to my place again, my hb was to be blamed bec last Aug he bought her back and want me to help him to get rid of her and he promised not to meet her again. However, he still meet up with her to hv dinner and drink. They quarrel after the drink and the PRC want to come to my place and meet me again.Don't understand why they want to meet and when things turn sour, they turn to me. She came and this time I fought with her. So bad that she run to my house and knock vry hard at my door to wake up my children, that was 3am. Luckily, with help of God, my children never wake up and my maid did hear but never open the door or response to the knock but told me the next day. I had made a police report the next day worried she might do something to my children. Tell u the truth, no doubt I had done alots for my husband, taking care of the family, teach my children until he is in top class and had intimacy with my hb(no more already), he still not satisfied. In future, he will go around and tell everybody that I am the one who want to divorce and to be blamed for the broken marraige. My fren ask me to forget about him since he don't respect or love me anymore. Sad to said till today, my mouth said let go but my heart is still being carry away. We still sleep in the same room, but somtime he will sleep on the floor. At night, I can hear him calling the PRC name in his dream. Till now I still very loss when come to emotion. One lucky thing is that I have my children. Children, mummy love you and will be strong for you.

[VVJJ]

Windy, i was exactly like you… mine not fm PRC… it’s fm our next neighbouring country… Ex hub also brought her back once and called my dad and aunt to come over to our place. In the end, he announced that he wanted to let go of the family and asked my dad to take care of me. I was crying non stop. Today, i agreed one sentence my aunt told me then: "A change of heart is a change of heart. He will not turn back. You have to let go". During then, i still linger on hopes. Days later, he’s back asking for my forgiveness and said he will let her go. You think that woman will let go of a man who can provides for her needs? SHe’s more than happy to take over the family and my kids. Months later, i dunno how but i found courage to fight with her so hard when i discovered they are together again. It’s a long 3 years then. I harbour the thoughts of not divorcing and wasting everyone time in order to prevent the woman of suceeding her wish. But it’s really tiring and i’m getting into depression and my mood swings whenever he’s late back or even never answer my call. I neglected my kids and spent most of my tots on ex hub. In the end, i give up. He married her soon and had a child. But the best of all is he still blames me for wanting the marriage out.

I totally agree that men will find millions of excuses to hide their guilt. It took me another 2 years to rebuild my life. Today, I’m happily leading a life with no suspicious doubts. Kids are happier and i’m concentrating on their needs/education. I’m a full time working mom as well.

We, being women, have to be strong. I do not want to live in my grandma’s time where men can stray freely and women just need to fulfill their duties as wife/mother.

[winth]

VVJJ:

Windy, i was exactly like you... mine not fm PRC... it's fm our next neighbouring country... Ex hub also brought her back once and called my dad and aunt to come over to our place. In the end, he announced that he wanted to let go of the family and asked my dad to take care of me. I was crying non stop. Today, i agreed one sentence my aunt told me then: \"A change of heart is a change of heart. He will not turn back. You have to let go\". During then, i still linger on hopes. Days later, he's back asking for my forgiveness and said he will let her go. You think that woman will let go of a man who can provides for her needs? SHe's more than happy to take over the family and my kids. Months later, i dunno how but i found courage to fight with her so hard when i discovered they are together again. It's a long 3 years then. I harbour the thoughts of not divorcing and wasting everyone time in order to prevent the woman of suceeding her wish. But it's really tiring and i'm getting into depression and my mood swings whenever he's late back or even never answer my call. I neglected my kids and spent most of my tots on ex hub. In the end, i give up. He married her soon and had a child. But the best of all is he still blames me for wanting the marriage out.

I totally agree that men will find millions of excuses to hide their guilt. It took me another 2 years to rebuild my life. Today, I'm happily leading a life with no suspicious doubts. Kids are happier and i'm concentrating on their needs/education. I'm a full time working mom as well.

We, being women, have to be strong. I do not want to live in my grandma's time where men can stray freely and women just need to fulfill their duties as wife/mother.

Kudos to you!
:celebrate: on your new life found!

Really happy to hear that you have stood up for yourself and your precious. Stay very strong and I'm sure good fortune will find its way to your door!

[cmm]

VVJJ:

We, being women, have to be strong. I do not want to live in my grandma's time where men can stray freely and women just need to fulfill their duties as wife/mother.

Bravo, VVJJ!! :celebrate: :celebrate:

[Windy]

VVJJ, I had heard alot of people said that they suffered when they just divorce and it will take them 2 to 3 yrs to recover and lead a better life. I found myself in this early stage and suffer mentally. Especially when I saw a happy family, spouse holding hand, talking to each other. Those happy moment will appear in my mind and all gone now. May I know how do you walk out of saddness?

[Mamamal]

[quote]VVJJ, I had heard alot of people said that they suffered when they just divorce and it will take them 2 to 3 yrs to recover and lead a better life. I found myself in this early stage and suffer mentally. Especially when I saw a happy family, spouse holding hand, talking to each other. Those happy moment will appear in my mind and all gone now. May I know how do you walk out of saddness? Sad[/quote]
I am in the same situation as you, Windy. Though the papers have not been officially signed, hb has moved out, in a way separated. Have to keep telling myself that i have to be forward-looking and not look back... I am also telling myself to accept the truth, even though very often i have to pinch myself to remind myself that this is not a dream.

[VVJJ]

Hi Windy,


Of course life is never easy though i made up my mind to proceed with the divorce. For a start, i rented a place. I do not want to return to my parents place. Just wanted a place to reflect and move on. It’s tough. I will think of how that woman must be happy to take over my position. I put on a smile whenever there’s friends gathering. I envy my good friends for having doting husbands even till now. Same, I will eny those strangers who are holding hands, smiling to their spouses etc.

However, one can never be aone to fight this battle. It happened during that time one of my good friends went thru the same scenario as i do. We supported each other a lot during that period. At the same time, i started to mix with more colleagues and friends. I improved on my outlook. Ex husband ever commented that i’m fat after birth. This hurts me as i’m expecting twins during then and suffering cos of all his acts with that woman. How can he compare me to a woman who’s 16 yrs his junior? My aunt also told me that being a woman, one must have confidence in order to look good. I also concentratedon my career and kids. My career is important to me and i have wasted much time on my ex husband that i nearly lost my job. Kids are important to me and i have wasted much time on him that i neglected their feelings.

I don’t cope myself home now. Whenever kids are with their dad, i will out, either just plain window shopping or having coffee sessions with friends. This helps to take away memories of him.

Today, I still think of him occassionally. But i know things will never be the same. He has his family and I have my own life. My biggest regret is not able to give the kids a complete family, especially my sons. They will know my story when they grow up. But i will also not stop them from seeing their dad since he loves them a lot.

Windy, it’s not a easy path. I once nearly lost my life cos i thought it’s end of the world for me. I’m grateful I’m still here and sharing my experience with you. Be brave. There’s no right or wrong answer. Move on for whatever decisions you made.

vvjj