Advice - Divorce or Not to Divorce

[buds]

Windy:

If I am in your case, I will change myself first and see any improvement. Also tried to communicate to him, unless he got an internet gf and he don't love you anymore, if not, do not run into Divorce if possible.

This is a strong move and decision on your part, Windy. You have a
positive mindset. You have also tried your best in re-evaluating the
situation you were in and work all the negatives into a positive. :salute:

Windy:

I will pray for you and wish to thank all who had shared as now I know I am not alone.

Windy:

I had problem communicating to my friend who know about my situation, they just felt that I am odd to them because they had a happy family. So now also not many friends. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and socially affected after D. Please think twice!

To protect the sacredness of a marriage, a couple should preferably
communicate with one another regardless the problem. This is thee
most 'ideal' situation if a couple can still level up for an honest to
goodness, no holds barred discussion. However this may not always
be the case.

A familiar line of \"Never wash your dirty linen in public\" can ring true
to a certain extent. There will be people who will not understand... and
will never understand as they may be living in more peaceful lives with
less major turbulences. These friends may not be helpful after all, even
though they are prepared to be there to hear you rant. While one can
go on and on ranting, the other party may not want to hear all the vivid
details of the crumbling marriage... whose fault it was... why does this
happen to me... and many other stuff. While most men believe, the
privileged information of a marriage should remain only between the
husband and wife and only husband and wife... there will be the odd
and off occasions where the heart is just dying to pour out.

Know that you're never alone. There a few avenues one can reach out
to and share any insecurities one may have... dead-end mental blocks...
or just to pour out your heart... Because of these kind people, anyone in
a similar situation can seek solace in finding someone who WILL and who
genuinely tries to understand.

There are Family Service Centres almost in every neighbourhood. If you
need a listening ear or someone who can provide neutral and objective
perspectives to your lives or issues at hand, open yourselves up to speak
to or approach any staff at an FSC near you.You can call ComCare
@ 1800-222-0000 to find out the FSC serving your area.

You may click this link to the MCYS website to know more.>http://app.mcys.gov.sg/web/faml_supfaml_familyservicesctr.asp

There is also the Samaritans of Singapore available for that chat you
have been dying to have with someone... about something... and they
are even toll-free.

Samaritans of Singapore
Tel : 1800 221 4444

Here are a few other helplines you can reach out to :

1. SOS Hotline
DAILY & 24 hours
Tel : 1800 221 4444

2. Parentline
Mon-Fri 9am to 5pm
Tel : 6289 8811

3. Counselling and Care Centre
Mon-Fri 8:30am to 5pm
Tel : 6536 6366

4. Care Corner - Mandarin Counselling Centre
DAILY 10am to 10pm
Tel :1800 353 5800

5. Family Service Centre Hotline
Mon - Fri 9am to 5pm
Sat 9am to 1pm
Tel : 1800 838 0100

6. SAMH Helpline
Mon - Fri 9am to 6pm
Tel : 1800 283 7019

7. AIDS Helpline
Mon - Fri 8am to 5pm
Tel : 1800 252 1324

8. MCDS Family and Child Protection & Welfare Branch
Mon - Fri 8:30am to 5pm
Tel : 1800 258 6378

9. AMP Hotline
Mon - Fri 2pm to 7pm
Tel : 6345 2911

Another avenue is of course a forum. Though as public as it may be. :lol:

The power of a forum can work in different ways... some forums build
friendships... some forums provide networking avenues... some forums
are genre-specific and only targetted at only one main missions - tho' a
few has proven not to be helpful. Here in KiasuParents, while one can
treasure the anonymity of the real person behind the computer screen,
it is also one of the better avenues where will find other people who hv
been there done that... who can try to turn your life around... or provide
that encouragement for one to soldier on. Every single one of us could
use that pat on the back... or that smile of the day... or that shoulder to
cry on... or that listening ear. To be heard. To be understood.

While some others choose to repair what damage has been done... a few
others may decide to take the high road... know that every single one of
us lead different lives with different people... in different lifestyle settings
and also with different beliefs/faiths... but i do know one thing is, that the
power of support can truly lift one up from however low one can be at
that point in life.

Having/Being in a good family is also an asset. It can provide for family
support and close ties of kinship is known to be one of the strongest
bonding for life. A family not only provides love, food and shelter but
comfort and protection too.

So, do take a moment to come out from those times of exasperation
that... whatever route we choose, we should try to allow our love for the
children and find that support in them to be strong and they should know
that through times of adversity, we, as parents will be there for them...
all the way. I for one.. have the most supportive parents in the world
and thanks to them and the strong family relationship we have built
through all our happy moments in life and in great adversities, we have
found strength in each other. We know that whatever the issues at hand
are, as a family we can go through it together hand in hand. I hope to be
able to follow this trait in my parenting ways with my children, in the
hope that they understand through any stress or future road blocks...
just like my parents... i too can and will be there for them.
No matter what.

Hence if you have still have your own family who can still be there for
you, find comfort in them. That said, not all families are similar.. some
have gone through tough roads that may not necessarily have helped
them be what and who they are... and even so, there is strength that
has been inbuilt since then to the point now. Pick up that strength from
there to help you move on.

Windy:

Now, I am in the end of the world stage, very hurt and keep reminding myself to be strong! :stupid:

But at the end of the line, with all the effort you have put in from what
is left of that strength you have garnered and it still didn't seem to work
for you... but do know this. A wise friend once told me, the road to self
reproach will never end... Try not to dwell on the what ifs... or think of
the bad times alone... Use the good ones to carry on of what's left.

Before we took the vow to be together with someone else, we have been
on our own... and managed. Though the journey back to be on your own
will prove to be challenging and mind boggling... life is too short to be
bogged down by the many insecurities in life... find solace in the good
stuff that you still have now.

Know that what you've done for the marriage, for the spouse, for the
children..... for the family..... was done sincerely from the love in your
heart..... Know that you did well and meant well for your own efforts
were the foundation of the good things that you still have now. It was
not for the sole reason of the other party indefinitely. Pat yourself on
the back for that.

No person man or woman will find it easy being separated from that
union that they had and vowed to protect and nurture.. They say that
time heals all wounds. So, take all the time you need..... for yourself
and for the future that can behold more happiness or sadness, however
you want it to be... however you choose for it to be.

Last but not least, you are never alone. :grphug:

[winth]

Funz:

Hi leesf,


Sounds to me like your DH is jealous of your DS. I am no expert here but I think it is a very common mistake that women make once we have children. Everything we do is for the children. We cook the kid's favourite food, we schedule our activities around theirs, etc. Could your DH be resentful because of that?

Try to work things out with your husband. Divorce may seem like a good solution but it brings with it many other issues. And do you really believe that it will benefit your son.

Totally agree with Funz!
For married mums, most of us and even I do fall into this similar mistake of putting my sons' privileges first, no matter how hard I remind myself. Children always seem to be at the vulnerable end and need mothers to be there. This causes jealousy and hubbies might turn to some other outlet. They might not even be aware that it was jealousy in the first place.

Divorce brings you other problems and is usually the last resort, never the first.

As this problem has been there for a number of years, conversations might not start as spontaneous as it used to be. Let say my hubby glues himself to the PC after dinner. I will settle my son by telling him what he's expected to do (learn spelling, do homework, be in bed by 9pm etc cos he's already 11 year-old) I will make a cup of coffee for DH, sit beside him and ask what he's doing, pretending to show interest in your war and conquer games. (believe me: i have done that before, i even set up an online login to his latest game and told him to teach me how to play. After 2 nights of playing, I slowly influenced him and told him this game is quite 'boring', why not we watch DVD together?)

Your son is already 11, he will need both of you to guide him before he turns into a young teenager. Another set of problem will start once he enters secondary school. Don't let this be your problem, let your hubby solve this together with you.

[fussyMummy]

Hi buds,


Thanks for your advise, althought is for Windy but not to me.

I feel touching and tearing while I read it....

Pardon for my poor english...

:thankyou:

[buds]

Heyya fussyMummy...


Quoting Windy doesn't necessarily mean
the thoughts in my entry are specifically
meant for her alone..

People who've joined KiasuParents.com
long enough will know buds has always
and will always have enough love to
share with all.

I'm one who believes (and God do i reali
try my darnest best to do so!) to turn any
of my negatives into positive. It is difficult
sometimes... yeah, no one promised it wud
be easy... but i try lah. Our lives now... on
Earth is but only temporary. Why suffer so
long in agony when there can be more new
and beautiful memories to create.

I earn the right to be happy and to do so is
TO BELIEVE...

Here is a verse from one of my DDs Barbie
songs from DVD selections.

Believe....
In all there can be...
A miracle starts whenever you dream...

Believe....
And sing from your heart, you'll see...
Your song will hold the key.....

So, what do you believe...?
What is in your dreams...?
Which is that song which holds your key...

PS : (Whispering...) Pssst... fussyMummy, one
definitely doesn't only require Queens English
to have empathy... to have compassion... or
to spread the love.

Now dry those tears & start living
for yourself okay, darling? :hug:

[Windy]

Thanks buds. This is the best forum and supports for me. You really put in so much effort to give us all the helplines :salute: Here, I can feel the warmth, sincerity, encouragement just by reading the replies.


I had ever seen someone writting abt her hb affair in the sg forum, and sad to said, she never gets any support and instead she gets alots of cruel replies from the PRC in sg forum.

As I think, this Kiasu Parents forum as it is named attract people who really want to be a good parent and not PRC who want to come here and distory people family, or criticise us that our hb left bec we are the one who should be blamed. (by the way this PRC is 20yrs younger than me, not fair to compare).

In short, members of kiasu Parents are all positive, knowledgeable, sensible, sympatheticm,mindful in characters. Cheers!

I would want to share my true feeling throughout the whole \"D\" process with you gals, so that you will have an idea how is it like. Now, is in the stage of waiting for my lawyer to prepare the script, then my hb will sign it when it is done, it will take about 3 mths to be ready but court oder will take another 3 mths. Alots of paper work and money need to be spend, about 4K, not finalise yet. (Sorry my English also so so only, but with all the understanding people around, I will still write)

[buds]

You're welcome, Windy.


You hang in there ya... :hugs:

[Finally1972]

Hi "fussyMummy"


Read your post. Thank you.

He refused to speak & turn 360 degree changed into a monster within days. He started drinking every night even infront of the kids & gamble football & horses out of sudden (to spite me, I guess). It is so scary when you see a man whom you supposed to know became a stranger.

I could have forgive (but hard to forget) if he shows some remorseful but NOTHING.

Three major things :
(1) Accomodation - I’ll have enough after selling our current home.
(2) Children Custody - Depend on judge, right?
(3) Maintance Fees - Is up to him to pay…if he doesn’t, yes, it would be a headache.

Can recommend a lawyer so that I can speak & find out more…now the problem is our $$$ all in joint account. Sigh…if he is a monster now…I’m unsure what would he do.

[fussyMummy]

Finally1972:

Hi \"fussyMummy\"


Can recommend a lawyer so that I can speak & find out more....now the problem is our $$$ all in joint account. Sigh...if he is a monster now...I'm unsure what would he do.

There is a Free Lawyer consultaion at Community Centre or Care Corner FamilyCare Service near your area, before you really want to enage a Lawyer (Final Decision)

You can get those information from :
http://www.carecorner.org.sg

You can always talk to those professional Counsellors. They will give you some advise and clear what you are doubt with..... and slowly decide what to do and what to avoid.

Try to get more information as you can.. Myself were very panic and blur at that time I filed for \"D\", so went throught quite a lot of unneccessary paths...

I know is miserable at this stage... And I believe that there still have a solution to save/solve :hugs: it. As I mentioned before, \"D\" not the best solution, as you will face a lot of \"funny\" incident after it...

Take good care of yourself always.. No matter how you have be strong, \"KiasuParents\" are with you.. Cheer...

[ChiefKiasu]

Windy:

...I would want to share my true feeling throughout the whole \"D\" process with you gals, so that you will have an idea how is it like. Now, is in the stage of waiting for my lawyer to prepare the script, then my hb will sign it when it is done, it will take about 3 mths to be ready but court oder will take another 3 mths. Alots of paper work and money need to be spend, about 4K, not finalise yet. (Sorry my English also so so only, but with all the understanding people around, I will still write)

And windy, you have grown from a woman dependent on that poor-excuse-for-a-hubs to one who is much more authoritative and in control of your own destiny. I salute you for making a very tough but necessary decision and start on the path of recovery. It will be long and hard, and the scars will remain, but when your children thank you one day for rescuing their childhood, you will know that your sacrifices are fully vindicated.

[Windy]

Thanks Chief!


\"Also need to thank my hb giving me this chance to force myself to build up my strength day by day in life.\"

Finally 1972, I understand how you feel bec my case is similar to yours. I can forgive my husband for his passed affairs but I can't stand his drinking behaviour.

Frankly speaking, I also not sure of my future financial situation as I am a contract staff for 2 yrs, so financially is uncertain but I don't want to think too far.

If you hv evidence of hb's affair, you will win almost 80% and get the child custody. You must able to proof to the judge why your husband is not in the right behaviour to take care of your children, must be concrete evident. Be smart and gather as much evidence as you can. You can also talk to your husband to the agreement for an amicable D, so that he won't contest, if he contest, the lawyer fees may go up to $10K.

However, sometime their behavioural changes is due to remorseful for what they had done to the wife, it might be short term. If possible, try to talk to him as much as you can to make him change. I had tried talking to my hb since last Sept but only found out his affair this year Aug. Had done my best but he still prefer the freedom life style. He so call want to exchage his freedom by giving up on me. I collected alots of evidence and my hb will not contest, he don't have ground to contest, so my case is 99% win. I dare to go ahead bec of mutaul agreement and I will be given house, custody of both my children and maintainent. Even till now, I will still hope he willing to salvage the marriage by changing but he refused.

Use some talking skill to persuade him to give you the house so that you and your children will have shelter. Remember don't fight, sweet talk, you must do that for the moment. If he really serious to marry the woman outside, the children might be a burden to him, alert him with this facts. If he refuse, need to sell the house and divide 50%, if you can, buy over the house by topping up his share by CPF, is more advantage to you.

I do not know since when your marriage light turn red, if it is recently, give yourself at 6 mths period for both of them to cool down and think twice, because of the children. Sometime, it might work.

We are always with you, holding each other hands going thru the difficult time of our fail marriage.