In-law problems?
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I decided to read all the posts in this thread because I have been really unhappy staying with my pil after 3 years.
Things are becoming worse than before.
As I walked to work today, I was crying and look up in the sky and asked what can I do?
Sometimes I feel that I don't want to go on anymore. To take my daughter and leave for NZ.
So I decided to seek some solace and I particularly was captured by all the posts by buds.
Reading your posts make me feel less alone and that everyone is going through the same thing.
Anyway, I decided that I must be positive and choose to focus on other things to distract me.
And I am happy that I have an understanding hubby who fought for our rights to move out.
In a few more months time, I hope all these problems with PIL will lessen.
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I think I am quite lucky as I don't stay with my MIL.
I discussed with my DH and came to a conclusion that living under the same roof is not easy.
Everyone has different lifestyle.
I am quite lucky as my MIL will spend most of her time in USA and will come back for a few months before she flies off again.
When we don't stay together, we will miss and appreciate each other more. :celebrate: -
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Hi all,
Reading thru all the posts, I can't helped but feel sad as its my own mother who gave all these nasty treatment to me.
Before my dd2 was born, she moved with my younger brother to an unit just a street away from me. From my ds1, I knew tt she’s never interested in looking after grandchildren full-time and i respected tt too.
Luckily, my dh's elder sister (ES) was willing to travel to and fro our hse on wkdays to help us take care of dd2 after my maternity leave.
When i went back to work, ES (who is single and aged 65) was physical strained looking after dd2, she was always down with flu and feeling weak. I had difficulties getting leave from my co then and i felt really bad. I had no choice but to turned to my mother for help on a mon nite if she can help take care of my dd2 on thur and fri for tt particular week so tt ES can rest for a block of 4 days. (thur to sun). She agreed and i inform ES too.
But on wed nite, got a sms from my mother, saying she's down with a fever, can't help on thurs. Upon reading the sms, i called her at her hse no and hp no to find out how's is she. But nobody pick up the phone. I was worried if she was alone at home. I called my younger brother at his hp. He told me my mother was not really sick as needed to see doctor but sick enuf not to look after my dd2 as she finds her as a whininy baby. (but which 4mth old baby dun cry when leave their mother???) My younger brother advised me not to go bother her with my kids again or she will fall “sick’ again…. I was so disgusted with my mother then. Luckily, my ES was ever accommodating and said that she’s alright….
After one mth of working, I tendered my resignation as I can’t work in peace when ES is not feeling well and yet need to take care of my dd2. It’s not right to exploit her kindness towards us.
When I break this news to my mother. She said tt my elder brother has a bb too and my sil can still work can bring in $$$ and why can’t I…. When I told her straight in the face tt my sil’s mother is taking care of the baby full time while she work. And when her mother is sick, she (managerial position) can take urgent leave anytime but I can’t leave urgent leave and had no one else to take care dd2.
Her face still dared to turn black!! The next day, still complaint to my younger bro say tt I was very rude to her!!!
My DH always console me by saying this is the mother tt i have, just got to accept but it is
not easy..... -
Hi Yerdua,
don't feel bad, some mothers are like that. My mother negotiated a deal with me after I gave birth to DS. Must have maid + $600 per month allowance, everything regarding the baby and maid must be provided by me. So in total, spent almost $1400 per mth to maintain both at her house. Can send baby on weekdays but must take home at night, no overnight stay. No weekend care unless maid comes along. Need to pay maid extra b'cos she needs to help out at my mother's place.
This deal worked well during this maid's 2 years contract. She's hardworking and my mom gave her all the housework. My mother would enjoy her leisure time while DS would watch TV from morning to night.
Things changed when this hardworking maid wanted to go home after the end of contract. We engaged a philipinno maid who had signed in her contract that she would work at my mom's pl for an extra $250, on top of her $500 salary. However, only after 2 weeks, this idiot run away and accused us of overworking her at 2 household. (Wonder how on earth we could do that when she slept earlier than us at 10pm and woke up just before we left for work at 7am.) Our dear govt agency MOM was super super pro-foreigner that we were under investigation!!! I needed to pay for this idiot stay during investigation and I was not allowed to employ another maid. The whole investigation lasted for almost 1/2 year. Nobody can imagine the amt of stress we were under.
Well, during the first week when all these happened, my mother already gave me \"black face\". Said unable to help me, should ask MIL instead since grandson \"followed their surname\"?! Without maid can't handle a 2 years old child at all....blah....blah.....
In the end, no choice, stop working and looked after DS myself. My dear mother told me that I had to give $300/mth for allowance even if she was not looking after DS.
I learnt my lessons and now I send my son to childcare. No nonsense, no complaints, and spend a lot less. I also have a peace of mind while I work. Life is truly better now w/o depending on idiotic maid and demanding mother. :lol: -
Same here.
When I was 8th month preggy with DS1, MIL ‘barged’ into our already agreed arrangement that my mother will be taking care of baby. She told DH that she wanted to look after my baby, cos she had ‘secured’ her daycare deal to look after DH’s niece (who was 2 months old then) and wanted to look after 2 infants TOGETHER. DH was 2 minds about it but had preferred his own mother taking care since she was a 20 year old full time nanny, compared to my mother who’s obviously not. We didn’t notice her sudden interest then on baby cos she kept saying that she wanted to find a job way before. The baby deal was 90% hers until she started to talk about her fees.
She negotiated for a package too:
- SGD800 (including her monthly-mummy allowance, but not including any milk powder and diapers)
- Dinner included for us and we need to bring DS1 home every night
- We were allowed to put DS1 overnight but there would be additional fee if we do that too often
Bearing in mind that she was already taking care of her grand-niece at SGD800, so if she adds our DS1’s fees, it’s real good salary. So, I kinda understood why her sudden interest.
We had just started our career then, and you know fresh grad’s pay cannot afford an S$800 daycare nanny plus our housing liabilities. With that amount in mind, DH immediately rejected her ‘offer’ and turned to my mother for help.
With my mum, her catch-phrase (in Hokkien) is always ‘You can’t afford to calculate too much among family members, we can never finish calculating the sums. The more you calculate, the lesser you get.’ So we gave her a S$500 which covers all expenses, and later added on to a sum of S$800 when our finances allowed it.
As for my niece, her parents let MIL take care of her grand-niece for 2 years before they quarrelled big time with MIL, who would always complain about how late or how early they come to fetch (the timing must be just nice at 630pm before her dinner, cannot be too early or too late). And my cousins-in-law were very concerned cos their daughter was always sick with stomach or diahorrea problems, and had to go for weekly doc visits which would run up to hundreds of dollars. The problem stopped after they changed her nanny.
We were real lucky that MIL didn’t take care of baby cos imagine we need to reach her home at far end of Jurong West at 630pm exactly to have dinner??? And we work in town? Will surely rush like crazy woman… -
With DS2, no frills or arguments.
It was rather straightforward that my mother had done a good job taking care of infants. So DS2 was sent straight to my mum.
Her catch-phrase still works best and seems to have proven itself: ‘You can’t afford to calculate too much among family members, we can never finish calculating the sums. The more you calculate, the lesser you get.’ -
me too is staying with my in laws and i really cant tahan.... Always ordering do thing and nagging... Have no patient in my son too.... Most of the time i heard my in law scold my son who only 3.5 + months only.. Haiz.... Alot of thing she also wan to kpo... Cant tahan... There one day almost beat her up.... Luckily stop by my husband... :stupid: :x
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Re MIL requesting package for babysitting
I believe that a reasonable package is acceptable to avoid the old lady from being exploited especially when she don't have alternative source of income. I know of a poor grandma who was only given $200 a month, but she has to provide dinner for his son/DIL, meals for the grandkid, and there are times when the son/DIL instructed her to get diapers/FM without reimbursement! $200 less all these, eat grass ah! Then when kid old enough to go childcare, get the old lady to fetch the kid after school/and 'standby' when kid is sick and slash the allowance somemore :x ! The old lady makes no noise to the son cos family member don't calculate ma... :x
We should just weigh our sums, and go for the more economical one or the arrangement that best suits our needs without forgetting to give the old lady some allowance too even if she is not looking after the kid.
erm...off topic liao.
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jedamum:
Agreed to the above that this old lady is truly exploited.Re MIL requesting package for babysitting
I believe that a reasonable package is acceptable to avoid the old lady from being exploited especially when she don't have alternative source of income. I know of a poor grandma who was only given $200 a month, but she has to provide dinner for his son/DIL, meals for the grandkid, and there are times when the son/DIL instructed her to get diapers/FM without reimbursement! $200 less all these, eat grass ah! Then when kid old enough to go childcare, get the old lady to fetch the kid after school/and 'standby' when kid is sick and slash the allowance somemore :x ! The old lady makes no noise to the son cos family member don't calculate ma... :x
We should just weigh our sums, and go for the more economical one or the arrangement that best suits our needs without forgetting to give the old lady some allowance too even if she is not looking after the kid.
erm...off topic liao.
Problem is, sometimes, our ILs or Parents do 'extort' their fees for child-caring when they obviously know the amount we make at that point in time, and vice versa.
Our IL relationship has definitely improved over the years cos she no longer push me around thinking that I'm more inferior as compared to her children. Well, for one thing, at least, she turns her head to look at me when she talks, instead of talking to me without me even realising that she was talking to me.
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