Will you treat Daughter-In-Law and Daughter Equally?

[cherrygal]

Yes, accept your fate. That’s why nobody said you must be extremely nice to PIL. Respectful is good enough. I find the PIL won’t dare to bother you or talk too much if you don’t talk so much with them. I tried to be "PR" and made an attempt to chat but end up the PIL still favour their younger DIL as she’s the wife of their fave son. And that DIL only visited them once a year!


So, I say, just treat my own parents better and be cordial but not too chummy with PIL.

[Han Seo]

I think the question is flawed in the first place. Even with our own children, we tend to favour one/some over the other. It is human nature.


I think the question is not about treating both equally, it is about treating people (whether DIL or PIL) with basic decency. In other words, show basic hospitality when DIL visits, do not interfere in their married life, be courteous when speaking to them, respect their personal space etc. In other words, treat her like how you would want her to treat you as a human being.

If, in the process, a strong bond develops between you and DIL, well and good. If not, do not fret as long as the relationship is not soured and remains cordial. This will go a long way towards family harmony.

I used to get upset that my own sister treats an ex SIL ‘better’ than her own sisters (there are 7 girls in my family). When I said ‘better’, I mean she will give the ex SIL her own jewellery (when she does not even give them to her own sisters) and invite her only for meals at her place.

But as I grow older and mellow down, I feel it is silly for me to think this way. The reason why my sister and the ex SIL got along so well is because both have very similar beliefs about bringing up their children. So be it. It does not bother me anymore.

[UncleLim]

Ririan:

flyfree:

If MIL only hv sons, don't hv daughter, will MIL treat DIL as a \"real daughter\"?

theoritically it should work that way, but unfortunately it is not in my case.
My MIL has three sons, and I married the eldest one. We were forbid to go out without them even when we were newly-wed, I could feel her taking me as a competition, like I am taking her son away (I was not, I am a very mild tempered person). She will say things like how useless and weak I am, compared to how hardworking and strong she is. I really suffer mentally living with her, cos she would use her standards to judge everything I do, the worst time was the first two years after I gave birth. It was hell for me.

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

This is really sad. And too bad our upbringing says filial piety is paramount. But when we get bad in-laws we suffer because we want to maintain the \"harmony\". My ex-colleague was treated badly since the day she married and when her mother-in-law finally passed away, she divorced her husband and moved out of the house.

[Han Seo]

UncleLim:

Ririan:

[quote=\"flyfree\"]If MIL only hv sons, don't hv daughter, will MIL treat DIL as a \"real daughter\"?

theoritically it should work that way, but unfortunately it is not in my case.
My MIL has three sons, and I married the eldest one. We were forbid to go out without them even when we were newly-wed, I could feel her taking me as a competition, like I am taking her son away (I was not, I am a very mild tempered person). She will say things like how useless and weak I am, compared to how hardworking and strong she is. I really suffer mentally living with her, cos she would use her standards to judge everything I do, the worst time was the first two years after I gave birth. It was hell for me.

Unfortunately, I am still staying with her, and home is really not a home for me, when you have someone constantly judging you... sigh. I just try to ignore and think positive.

This is really sad. And too bad our upbringing says filial piety is paramount. But when we get bad in-laws we suffer because we want to maintain the \"harmony\". My ex-colleague was treated badly since the day she married and when her mother-in-law finally passed away, she divorced her husband and moved out of the house.[/quote]I think this filial piety concept is loaded. Does filial piety mean we have to stay with our inlaws or parents after marriage? If your inlaw keeps berating you and making you insane, does filial piety mean you have to suffer in silent? What if one day your blood vessel bursts or you suffer from depression because of the constant belittling? Is this the way to treat a human being just because he or she is your FIL/MIL? What kind of logic is that? At the end of the day, I still think respect is earned and not given as a right.

[susancollins]

yes off course i will treat my daughter and daughter in law equally. I wont show partiality between them.

[aurorin]

I think i can strive to be FAIR to future DIL and DD. If DD is wrong, i wouldnt say she is right to put down DIL. Vice versa. I think that's just good parenting.. doesnt matter DIL or DD or DS or even DH...


But it's impossible to treat both the same or equally because the nature of the bond and relationship is different. That said, i think it is very possible that i can develop a love for the future DIL over time if there's mutual understanding and respect. But i would not expect to have that love from either party at the onset.

Anyway, in all things, it takes two hands to clap... I wouldnt force the issue.

[LOLMum]

will the daughter treat her mother and mother in law equally?

[Atan]

LOLMum:

will the daughter treat her mother and mother in law equally?

Haha, the answer is 'NO'. Similarly, I don't expect my MIL to treat me and her DD equally.

[aurorin]

LOLMum:

will the daughter treat her mother and mother in law equally?

Hahaha good question!

Similarly, i am fair towards my mom and MIL. Several times i put my mom in her place when she was unfair to my MIL, vice versa... but no, i dont love them the same or treat them equally.

Unfortunately, it doesnt seem that there will be much love developing between MIL and I due to our very different outlooks and perspectives with regards to family issues. Well, no biggie Respect will still be given when respect is due!

[cool_hi]

It depends on the person as a mum+mil…coz my mum treats her dil much much better than me,her daughter…simply coz she 重男轻女，so 爱屋及屋！& she is so extreme & outright(as in she doesn’t even bother to hide),that over a few extreme matters(even till lately),that made me so depressed that I was having suicidal thoughts for quite a while…coz I can’t understand what have I done to deserve such extreme unfair treatment!!& it’s not as if my bro & his wife is much more filial than me+my hubby!! Just quote 1 obvious eg,when my parents need financial help to clear some bank loans(coz interest was snowballing),my bro & his wife-to-be(at that time),rejected flatly to help,citing reasons as they need $ to do Reno for their new Hse,& when I suggest delaying Reno,coz they only getting married 1yr later,she gave stupid excuse,saying can’t coz scared Hse empty too long will haf ghost!!wth!

End up me+my Sis fork out $ to help parents tide over crisis!!
& juz coz my mum is bias,even though they so 大逆不道,she never put it to heart+accepted their crap excuse…but easily forgotten daugthets’ help & just last mth,said something that hurts me a lot till I was into serious depression…shd said '你是嫁出去的，不用管这么多！＂can someone tell me how I shd feel?how shd I treat my mum? She behaving as if she is my step-mum,not my real mum!!
I was extremely upset,coz whenever she had problem,financial or whatever,she looks for me…NOT my bro!! The only thing I can think of is,I don’t suck up to her!! Like my sil…very pretentious person… Know how to curry flavor…
I seriously think I won’t cry at her death bed… Am i wrong??