Extra Marital Affair

[winth]

Hi insider,


Though I have been trying to keep myself mentally prepared should my own marriage come to such a stage, it is really easier said than done.

I was already shaking uncontrollably when I found out that my hubby watched porn TWICE, as I was so afraid then that something more worrying was happening. My hands and feet were cold when I confronted him the very next day I found out (it’s just not me to let a matter rest, though it appears negligible). And it took me a month of tears and constant suspicions to make sure he is clean from third parties.

He hasn’t touched it since and I still do my constant checks and discuss about our marriage and potential issues/problems/consequences that might arise. That helped to keep him involved as a husband and daddy.

Your example serves as a powerful reminder to us all, and yes, a role model. Thanks for sharing!

[Honey]

Insider


Thank you for taking time to share in such a frank & honest manner. By sharing here, you've risked feeling hurt again by recalling the past yet you have very unselfishly put that aside & share with us so that we (especially the women) can learn so much & grow along in this path of womenhood.

Indeed, as women & mothers, we have to uphold one another & walk this path together. In society especially in this part of the world, there are many things acceptable of men but not of women. We are still living in an Asian society that holds firmly to our beliefs & values which could at many times be bias against the women - in other words, not fair to the women like men can do this but women cannot.

I am glad that while you are a modern woman who has so much of wisdom & foresight, you can still put aside your deepest hurts & put the family first to continue to live the life for the family. Your kids are very blest to have a mum like you. For many may have taken other paths such as living seperately, divorce or even living together but not communicating, just live together under one roof for the sake of the kids. Yet, you could forgive your husband for his hurts & betrayal & still say you are truly a happier person. I have deep respect for you :salute:

[mathsparks]

Hi Insider,

Hats off to you too! :salute: Sharing yr difficulties with us all. I wonder if religion play a part in yr ability to forgive and be so magnanimous about the whole thing.

[Funz]

It takes a lot to be able to forgive someone who has betrayed your trust and your love. And it is a double whammy DH and best fren! To forgive both betrayals, only someone who is confident, secure of herself and who has positive outlook can do that. :salute:


B4 marriage and even into the 1st few years of marriage, I was pretty adamant that if DH should betray me or ever lay a hand on me, no 2 ways about it, we will go our separate ways. No 2nd chances and no room for negotiation.

Now that we have 2 kids, naturally my views have changed. If it is like Insider's case, & DH shows and prove himself to the family again I can forgive and move on. However, if there are repeat occurences or if emotions are involved, I will have to evaluate the situation. I do not want to hold on to a person who is no longer emotionally vested in the family and I will not subject myself to the heartache of repeated betryals. Yes kids are involved and they need their father. But if I am miserable, or angry, how then can I be a good mother to my kids. They will only experience anger and misery from me.

However, on the other point, I still have not changed my views, if DH were to lay a hand on me then out he goes.

[Fluffy]

I must show your sharing to my girlfriends who complained alot of their husbands. We will never be satisfied with what we have and always ask for more. You have shown that you could move on with your life instead of feeling self-pity and resentful of the incident. It takes alot of courage and your loves for your family clearly lead you to make the decision to forgive. Everyone should learn to forgive like you because retaining the hatred would only make oneself miserable.


Life is meaningful,
only if you feel it so.
Life is fruitful,
only if you make it so.
Life is loving,
only if you want it so.
Life is beautiful,
only when your heart is gold.

You do have a "Heart of Gold".

Blessed you!

[ZacK]

insider:

There are a few mottos / guiding principles in my life that I have shared somewhere else in this forum:

1.\tLife is Beautiful! (ask my kids and they will know this is mummy’s motto). No matter under what kind of circumstances, I maintain this stand and will try to find the ‘beauty’ inside even an ugly situation. If I can’t find, I will tell myself coz I am not wise enough yet and sooner and later I will get to understand why such a thing happened to me…

2.\tDon’t bear grudges towards anyone, esp your love ones, else it will be a double hurt to oneself. As soon as you realize you are harbouring hatred and grudges, be aware of the damage that they will do to you and many times also to the innocent people around you. Many of us know that hating someone or something kills a lot of our cells but somehow many still choose to do so coz they can’t control themselves emotionally (once enter a ‘blind corner’, then it is difficult to see light). Many of us heard of the black dot on a white handkerchief thingy and that we should look at the vast white space instead of the dot but just somehow, many just have to look at the dot and ignore that vast white space. Common human’s flaw coz most of us are wired wrongly??

Thank you for sharing your motto... Just these two principles alone.. Will be able to bring anyone who can internalise this very far in seeking peace and happiness :celebrate:

I am not at liberty to share some of the things I have been thru... For me I've always believed that things (good and bad) always happen for a reason and they are to make us \"better persons\"... In bad situations, learn to see the good that can come out of it... And we will see the light at the end of the tunnel :celebrate:

[heutistmeintag]

Insider, you are so inspirational to me. :celebrate:


:udawoman:

[westmom]

Insider …touching and insightful sharing…thank you.

[Honey]

Insider


Reading your post brings to mind a friend who used to be like my sister. Todate, we’ve knew each other for 30 years but sad to say, we are no longer in touch. I had visualise us growing old together. I remember sending her a birthday card that reads like when we were young, we talked about how we would grow up to be, how we like our boyfriends & how we want our weddings to be. Very touching. We would share our deepest secrets, we were practically each other’s shoulders to lean on & to cry to. We used to stay over nite at her aunt’s (empty house) place after clubbing. We would sit by the beach & just stare into the horizon without talking …

Well, she got attached in our late teens (to the same guy whom she got married to at our mid-twenties) while I only got attached later & married 3 years after her wedding. I knew that she had flings while being attached but it was only much later that I realised that all the while, she was also flirting with the guys who showed interest in me. Of course I trusted that she was "only being friendly" & would never do anything to hurt me. It was only much later that I realised how the exchange of numbers between her & them & all the happenings that I knew that things were not as straight forward.

I met my husband while I was out clubbing with her. She was getting married in a few months’ time. She did not think that things would strike between my husband & I & well, she was afterall getting all the attention from my husband’s good friend whom she was to hurt when he discovered that she was getting married soon while they were "developing a relationship" but then that guy is also very buaya.

My husband & I went on to become a couple & got married a few years later. My husband & I are a very attached couple as in we do not go out with other people either in group dates or alone without each other besides the occassionally lunch dates. She used to comment that way is "not healthy" as she got alot of freedom but within 1 year of marriage, her husband & another lady friend had something going on - a taste of her own medicine perhaps. It’s been many years since they are married. They have no kids but still going on together (I think so). I only came to realise her "not being so happy for me" after I had my 2nd kid (she would be the 1st to know of my pregnancies as I wanted her to be the 1st few to share my joys). I had wanted to "share my kids" with her & let her be like Godma to them but soon after my 2nd kid, I grew tired as to why am I the one who had to call & wait all the time. She never put in anymore efforts anymore. I kept giving excuses, perhaps I am a stay-home-mum while she was getting high in her career but no matter how, I could not accept her excuse that she claimed she was very busy. Hey, I am on call 24/7 by my kids & hubby & keep house, cook, marketing & all yet I could make efforts to call her. I eventually gave up keeping in touch with the friendship died that way. There were yearly (initially) CNY or Christmas greetings which I merely replied "Thank you". I used feel very hurt by the thought of it that I didn’t even want to talk about it. It was very sad & very hard to let go of a friendship that I thought could last a lifetime but I knew that keeping the friendship was one-sided. I find strength in my kids & husband. My wound has healed. I no longer bear any ill-feelings cos I accept that we are now on different paths & have different aims & values in life. I have moved on.

Sorry, this is a very long sharing. I just wanted to share my thoughts & experience as well. Thank you for reading. I have some more thoughts to share on the husband aspect which I will do so later.

[buds]

A one-off sexcapade sounds more like a moment of folly… than an

extra marital affair. I dunno… EMA to me is something more personal
& definitely not one-time/one-off kinda situation and an ongoing
relationship. Here’s my sharings.

An old friend whom i met under unexpected circumstances happily
shared she was extremely happy. I questioned her happiness as to
assure myself that she had gotten back with her husband, since when
i last saw her, she shared that she was undergoing separation period &
going through divorce proceedings.

Instead she replied, "I’m pregnant."

I was naturally overjoyed cos to me that meant she and her husband
had really moved on together. But when i was about to congratulate
her, she said, "Aren’t you gonna ask me whose is it?" Shocked out of
my world, i was just open-mouthed. She answered her own question
and told me that she was carrying another man’s child and intends to
keep it… but that she has patched things up with her hubs. The other
man was her long-time crush. And also another friend of mine…

She said that there was no way she could be with that other man in
marriage cos he will never let go of his wife despite his many infidelities
with numerous women. So she was contented to carry the child in her to
bear his name.

She eventually gave birth and named the child after the other man’s pet
name (ie. nick name) and ended it off with her husband’s surname. Yeah.
Her husband does not know till today.

However, the other man’s wife (also a friend) knows. Despite her many
suicidal thoughts and depression, she brought herself back up and just
told herself to snap out of it, for that man was the only one she loved &
cared for, since they first got together. I’ve asked her why she cud take
him back despite being angry, hurt and so crushed by his promiscuity…
She answered, "He’s the only man in my heart. I cannot think of being
with any other man other than him. He is also the father of my beautiful
children. My perfect lover and my best friend."

Though the hubs has sworn off the EMA with that friend, we know he’s
having on-going relationships with others… still. Some married, some
not. Now that’s one long history of extra marital affairs which may nvr
end. He is happy with his wife now spending more time with each other
and all their children. However, his need for variety is still evident till
today…

I do not understand the selfish actions caused by husbands to hurt their
wives and their family, when upon marriage husbands have vowed to
care, love and cherish… it is just sad and unfair.

To all wives who have stood by their man, no matter what… and got
over it, you have my utmost respect with your magnanimosity and the
drive to keep moving forward, for it is definitely not easy… cos as women
i’m sure there will be lingering thoughts as to what went wrong and what
was done/had been done with the other woman/women.

Someone i know once said, "There are times when finding peace seems to
have better satisfaction than compensation…"

Fellow male friends… help us (women) understand you better instead of
seeking temporary exits… Women are generally easy to please if you
would only try…

Fellow female friends who’ve been through the despair of having an
unfaithful husband, here’s hoping you can find that profound peace in
your hearts.

My take is, upon marriage…
a husband and wife is only exclusive to each other and no one else.

Period.